There are certain times in your life when you regret not saying those words …….
Every day I tell both Alex and Ali how much I love them in fact I say it many times though out the day…..
and you know what when they tell me they love me its the most fantastic feeling in the world. That is what makes everything worth while. Then I have the sad times when I cant tell others how much I love them and regret not saying it to them more often.
If Im honest i cant remember a single time when either of my parents told me how much they loved me. both were never very good at showing their feelings.
dont get me wrong I have no doubts that they didnt love me, I know they did but they were just not affectionate people,
I dont remember them even showing affection to each other really, no holding hands, affectionate pecks on the cheek, you know what i mean. Maybe thats why i have or should i say did always find it hard to express my feelings for others, why i settled for someone who never showed me any affection.
Yes I do know what love is, or should I say being in love is and the various kinds of love there is and I strongly believe that true love is only found once or twice in a lifetime…… some people never even find true love……… true love is loving someone so much it hurts, It’s loving someone that you don’t go a day without thinking about….. A love that stay’s with you for your whole life….you dont even have to be with that person but you can still be in love with them.
Then there is another love, I once had a friend workmate who was in an arranged marriage she had never met her husband until the day of the wedding, I remember at the time asking her how she felt……. her answer scared i must of made some stupid comment about how she could do it. at which point she just laughed and told me to look at myself… ha ha i was in a dead end marriage, reason i got married I was pregnant.. ok point was taken.
Any way i digress for a second there , the point is she also told me that she loved her husband very much….. it was a love that grew between them as each and every day they were together.
There is the love you have for your child, the kind of love where you would die for them, where you would do anything for them,
then another love is the love you have for your family for parents, siblings, you may argue there may be fall outs but if the love is strong enough it will survive, ok i know not everyone loves their siblings, neither my brother or I have ever got on, we live about a mile from each other and still have hardly any contact. in fact in the last 30 years there has been no more than about 7 miles between where we have lived and i could probably count on two hands the amount of times we see each other… it’s funny i think he always thought i was daddys favourite and i always knew he was, he was the good boy who went to boarding school, got a job as a commodity broker…. ok he had a couple of rough years but on the whole towed the line……. then there was me, i was the typical wild child, refused point blank to go to boarding school, i got a good job in embassy and gave it up when my parents left the states, two reasons really. one i missed a very important person in my life and two the last trip i had to England when i was on leave i had a horrendous flight andnd forth across the Atlantic scared me so i only wanted to do it one more time and that was to come home, funny thing is my final flight was terrible as well and i swore i would never fly again. I then got a job London and then gave it up or so they all thought…. that’s when i had Michael I then got pregnant again, married, separated, got pregnant, live in sin……. the story goes on and on right up until present day while my brother has been married now nearly 30 years, they have a big 4 bed house, a boat or should i say yacht in the south of France.. no kids, posh cars good job’s…. anyway i have gone off track again… so back to where i was.. thought of having to fly back and forth to the states
Then there is the love you have for a friend, a strong bond between you and then there is forbidden love, this is loving someone you shouldn’t be it someone else’s boyfriend, husband, partner, wife, mother, girlfriend, you know what i mean, it’s someone who isn’t available. this is the hardest kind of love…. to be in love with someone you can never have or be with.
and last but now least there is love that is never reciprocated…….. when you love someone so much but they dont care about you…..
So where has this been leading to where do my feelings come into all this you ask……
I love all my children very much ok i may only be able to tell Alex and Ali how much i love them but in my mind i tell Michael, Daniel,John,Sarah , Andrew and Hayley how much I love them all the time and how much I miss them.
There is My dad i do love him, ok I dont say it to him, but he knows and i doubt he would ever want me to say it to him, its not his way…… but he knows… But I have to say he drives me crazy we dont have a days peace without him.
There is my friends….. I have some very good close friends who i do love, who i would try to help and support and stand by no matter what…. In fact I would like to think that I would do anything for any of my friends. I like helping people out when i can……I am so very lucky I have two soulmate’s in my life….. one a very good friend and who has been there for me when i need him through thick and thin and one a lifelong friend that i love very much and he will never know how much he means to me
I have love that has grown on me…… the more time i spent with Allan the more the love grew…… yes i love him despite the problems we have had and im sure he would reply with the same answer if asked the same question. But yes I do love him and tell him so …… . but i have to say he has stuck by me through some really bad times, been there for me, what more could I ask for….. will it last forever…… i cant answer that……. and i doubt neither can he in fact i dont think anyone in the world could answer that question.
I have my first love…… now this is where my mistakes began….. you see i blame my parents….. they made it hard for me to actually be able to tell someone i love them… So in the past i couldnt find the way to tell a special person to me how much i did love them or how much i was in love with him….. and the other reason i couldnt tell him….. fear of being rejected if i dont let you know i care you cant hurt me… Fear of maybe finding out that they didnt feel the same and making a total fool of yourself, especially when you had treated them so badly in the past again because you never thought or should i say i never thought they cared that much anyway. but i think the main reason I never told him how i felt was the fear of rejection
had I been able to tell this person what i felt….. how much i loved them then maybe my whole adult life would of been different even now well over a quarter of a century later I still feel love for them Im not in love with them but I do feel love for them. I Still think about them every day….. nothing has changed there. i dont think there has been a day in my life in the last 30 plus years that they havent come to mind if im honest…. but hey in my own little world i had my dreams. at least once…… Again I Cant tell them how i felt, how i still feel, how i will always feel… life is to complicated for that…. to late even if circumstances were different i doubt it would work out or would have ever worked out between us!! Chalk and Cheese .. Some things are just not meant to be!
All I can say to anyone is always tell those that you love just how much you love them, tell them how you feel.
Say those three magic words all the time and every chance you get….. it takes seconds to tell someone “I Love You”
Just do it because you never know if it will be the last time you will be able to say it to them again……
Or If you will ever get a chance to say it to them………
tell those people close to you that you love, you love them
there are 7 people in my life I cant say to them how much i love them because i cant see them to speak to or cant say it as it wouldnt be right, and you have no idea how much that hurts.
locked in eternal embrace
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