I’m tangled in my own confused little world where doubts have taken over…

I’m tangled in my own confused little world where doubts have taken over.

It feels like I’m the little kid in the cupboard, playing hide and seek, only to realize the game was over an hour ago, and nobody is looking…

How many times is someone supposed to hit rock bottom and lose everything and everyone before she reaches uphill and stay uphill?

Just as I think things are finally on the up after years of being rock bottom and I’m starting to live again, something comes along and kicks you right in the teeth.

Maybe I’m feeling so blue  because I have been so full of this lingering bug and feeling run down. I don’t know what it is but I do know that right now I don’t feel like I’m coping.

This last week has been a nightmare and I’m not one to say that during the school holidays. I love having my kids at home but this Monday I can’t wait for them to go..

I feel like walking up to a wall and just banging my head against it.

I’m worried about Ali. The older he gets the more I’m sure something is just not right 😕

I always said he should have been an only child.. He hates his sisters. Tammy especially, Tolerates Alex for the majority of the time.. The rest of the time he hates him as well, He never made any friends in playgroup and still hasn’t made any friends at school since he started in September.  For a long time I have convinced myself that he was shy. But now I’m starting to face the fact that there is more to it than that.  He is starting to get spiteful with Alex if he can’t get his own way..  pinching, pushing and being plain destructive.. breaking up Alex’s toys even breaking up his own toys..

He never really was a toy kid to be honest.. its only over the last year that he has started to show an interest in some of the latest “must have’s” that Alex had  so at christmas it was easy just get them both the same for everything.. I would say a good 70% of his now Ali has broken on purpose along with about 10% of Alex’s. 😦

He still shouts and growls or should I say RAAHHHH’S!!!  If he gets told off or again can’t get his own way.. he was never one for tantrums when he was little but this stubborn shouting and being nasty is starting to happen more and more often..  and boy is he stubborn.. he will not give in to anything or anyone..  I have tried every punishment known and nothing is working.. even Dad gave him a slap the other day and all he did was Growl louder this went on for a good couple of hours.  In the end the only way to calm him down was to get him to sit on my knee .. He will have cuddles with me and Allan and will give my dad a kiss and cuddle when he leaves but that is it.. no-one else is honoured and even we have to fight for them.

This week I feel like I have been at my wit’s end.. like I said maybe it’s because I have been feeling so unwell, Maybe it’s because I’m feeling unsettled for some reason. I don’t know .

What I do know is I can’t ignore this any longer.. I am going to have to try to find out what I can do to see if He really does need some help or he is just and unsociable nasty stubborn little bugger…….. 👿

One thing is for certain.. I’m not coping at the moment.. what the hell is wrong with me…..

I have coped with the death of a child,

I coped with the premature arrival of my twins…

I have coped through having 3 kids under a year old..

I have coped with having 5 under school age…….

I have coped with living with an abusive husband

I have coped with a separation and looking after the kids for two years,

I have coped when the evil one returned and the world crashed all around me.

I have coped with losing my house, my family,

I have coped with becoming a full time carer  of my mum who was disabled, diabetic, ill and very demanding and suffering with dementia and looking after a baby  and my own house, at the same time

Again I have coped with single-handedly visiting her in hospital for  8 or 9 weeks, sorting out a nursing home for her then being told she wont make it and then  sorting out her funeral because my brother “had his own life” and when she did pass away he  was to busy on his holiday in the south of France to help arrange anything.. to be told by him he didn’t even want me to call him when she did finally die because it would ruin their holiday.

I have coped with keeping two houses running and suffering miscarriage after miscarriage in a final attempt to have one last child.

I have coped with the benign lump in my neck that caused me to have a week in hospital hooked up to morphine while they ran every test under the sun before they decided that its safer to leave it where it is and of course there is always that day when you never know if  its going to turn malignant

I coped when Ali was born, three weeks early and by emergency c section because history was repeating itself with my first child.. my waters had gone and infection was imminent.

I have coped with a certain persons Infidelities not once but twice.

I have coped with Ali’s sight problems, I have coped with having the father constantly here. so what has changed

Why can’t I cope any-more.. Why am I sat here at nearly 3am because I cant sleep, tears streaming down my face, wondering why my life is going downhill again.

Is this just Karma for all the wrong doings I have done, and for all the hurt I have caused in the past when I was young….

I’m sat here wondering if my heart & head have ever heard of compromise?  I will never have the life I wanted I know that…..

But  Maybe what I’ve always wanted isn’t right for me at all..

😥


Life after Facebook?

 

Perhaps Facebook Has Run Its Course… I’m not on there as often as I have been in the past….
Reasons are many really, I have dwindled down most of the games I play.. I now play cityville, farmville, frontierville, and cafe world, problem is they are all at a stage where i can pop on for five mins and then leave them ticking over for another 24 to 48 hours..
I have been full of the Lurge….. this lurge has been on going now for weeks 😦 and the final reason why I haven’t been on line much is the boys have been off school so they have been on the pc’s in the front room.  But having said all that……..
I am wondering about my connection to the social networking site, I have felt this way for a long time now, especially after an exchange with an old friend that left me feeling a bit awkward, though I cannot explain why. I don’t feel that I did anything wrong. Perhaps more vocal communication would have made a difference. Communicating with your thumbs over a social networking site just isn’t the way to address a misunderstanding. I do feel guilty though, was it something I said, or something I didn’t say..

I know I can be a total idiot at times, either way the relationship is strained at the moment and that makes me really sad. I feel like I have lost or am losing a life long friend.

I’m longing for the days when I ran into people in the high street, and if we felt like being bothered, we went through the whole, “Hey, isn’t that…how ya DOIN’?”  Ok I see the odd old friend up the town now but not as often, I think most like me do the majority of shopping on-line
Another thing I miss now is being able to say to people “pop round for a coffee” how can I? the father is here the majority of the time, you just cant talk when he is there sitting in the chair, giving his during my time in the FO stories, or basically telling people they are talking shit.. remember there is his opinion and of course the wrong one…..
I don’t know why I originally got on Facebook.

I think I set up a profile about a year before I used it. I didn’t know the way it worked at the time and it sent out invites to all the people on my email contacts address book. I logged off and forgot about it …. When I logged on the second time, there were friend requests, mostly from people with whom I stayed in touch but did not have regular contact.

These are folk from whom I received Christmas cards ,
Then the requests came from people I lost touch with a few years back. It happens to all of us. Friends from high school when I was in the states, Friends from schools I attended in the UK,  those early work days. Even some from people who I know when my kids were little or old neighbour’s Some of us moved. Some of us transferred. Some of us got arrested 🙄 Over achievers managed all three.

The usual. Click “Accept”. Look at pictures of their kids. See if they impregnated/married that wombat they dated in school. Comment on how much weight they have gained. Conveniently ignore how much weight you’ve gained. Finally, type an insincere “OMG your kids are cute and you look great!” and OMG how many kids have you had????  (For the record, I received way more of these than I gave out) and move on.

Along the way, join a group or two. These are the best types of groups. No dues, no meetings, no power struggles!  or Like this page………  which of course you join because you don’t want to offend the person who sent the request… (I have learnt now to ignore such stuff) although the “like” certainly gets a lot of use when it comes to some of the things but its easier now to just click like than it is to go down the old route……

I have made some wonderful friends on Facebook. I have to be honest, though: based on our personalities and how crazy attracts crazy In fact I did have two fb accounts at one stage and slowly I moved all the real people and friends over to another one so I kept my real and virtual friends and got rid of the gamers which was what the original account had most of .. I think at one point I had over 3000 friends, Anyway as I was saying there are some fantastic friends I have become really close to on-line.. that are my kind of people, can take a joke, sarcastic and have a filthy sense of humour… people  I would have met who are/were  like my crazy old school friends anyway, especially from high school in america ..

I have reconnected with old work buddies from the embassy and GCHQ with whom I shared a love of Music, Alcohol, the occasional 2 oz (that’s my story, I’m sticking to it) regardless. Some Friends from my kids parents and old neighbours, still have the same mobile phone numbers. Being a short term Facebook junkie has reminded me that the good folk from my past are still in my mobile phone book even though I had changed my numbers I kept theirs . Perhaps I should use my phone more..

I have also remembered why I chose to forget certain years of my life. Not out of fear or denial. It was just counter-productive to revisit those times and relationships. All of which I regret for one reason or another.
Whoever I was during those periods was not the person I was before them and damn sure isn’t the person I see when I am brushing my hair in the morning now now. There’s stuff between 17-22 that I’d rather forget. (Of course I would love to be able to forget the getting married but the law wont let me until I finally get a divorce 😦  )
I admit to both having been hurt and hurting people, to not always having been the best friend, sister or daughter, and to needing to grow up.

Maturing if you can call it that, that has made me the person that I am now,  The old Ann,  I have no desire to revisit her. I can enjoy a good steak without watching a blow by blow of how it got to my table. I am by no means a veggie and you know what I dont feel guilty about it and Im not going to be made to feel guilty about it.

If Facebook has taught me anything, it is to be a better friend. Pick up the phone, make plans for lunch. Catch up and chat.. the problem is we never do meet up for lunch.. busy schedules, kids you name it time is never found, but we do chat.. we can spend hours messaging, Occasionally I will even turn my facebook chat on and list myself as available to that one person only and we can chat for ages..
When I am relying on cyberspace to maintain my friendships, I need to make a change. Friendships shouldn’t exist as the following:

“Hey, you on here too!”
Thats great what you up to?
Nothing much kids in bed..
“Yeah. Life is good. Bye.”

Next status update: Ann is happy she’s re-friending people…

Either way. I’m not saying that I am getting to the point of deactivating my account.. I would hate to lose contact with friends, But it doesn’t have the hold on me it used to..
Maybe there is life after facebook after all!!!

My very own Erection is Finally ready for use!

The Day has come It’s finally ready for me to use!!  What you ask… My Erection… Or simply put my very own Garden Shed…

My extension of the kitchen.

About two or more years ago we got a conservatory.. about 10ft x 10ft…  All we needed to do was get the base sorted and it would give me so much more room for all the kitchen stuff etc.

Problem was there was never anyone either skilled enough or had time to get this conservatory up..

At some point the local light-fingered brigade had tried to help themselves to the Ally and put it in next doors garden for collection. Joyce’s  garden is a wilderness to put it lightly.  She hasn’t been out there and done anything in over the 7 years since we have been here…. Anyway the Ally frame was spotted and recovered but of course we were never 100% sure it was all there.. So again All enthusiasm into getting it put up was lost.. After over 2 years of waiting i just suggested one day… wouldn’t it be easier just to do away with the conservatory and get a shed…… at least we could make it a bit more secure… we wouldn’t need to spend fortunes on a base and getting it up and of course i wouldn’t need blinds etc to stop the local tea leaf from seeing everything inside.

I think the fact that it would save us over £1000 to put it up appealed the most…

So on boxing day (WTF) it was decided that the shed was to be ordered. problem is the conservatory still needed moving as it was stacked up where the shed is going to go…  I had to defer delivery time twice while Allan got his Arse in gear and finally scrap and weigh in the Conservatory.. done eventually the day before the shed arrived.

Having taken delivery of the shed it was then stacked in a pile in the garden..

A week later reinforcements were called in to help get the shed up, Good old Andy was recruited to help out as usual when it comes to any job that needs doing. I’m not saying that Allan is incapable of doing anything like this but for some reason he always needs a hand doing it 🙄 and said person giving the hand usually ends up doing most of the work….

Anyway  we get as far as the shed up with the aid of help

Next to be done was the reinforced flooring because the flooring that came with it wouldn’t be strong enough to take the weight of the freezer, fridge and everything else I wanted to put in it..

Oh and then there was the insulation to keep it warmer, and the electrics……. these jobs were done on days when Allan had the time… total time taken for finishing touches… 4 weeks…..

So Here we are … An off cut of carpet later.. The side bit will be covered so you wouldn’t know and my shed is ready for filling. Of course the first job was get big chest freezer, fridge and my spare tumble dryer out of the other sheds and in there…

Allan had some  spare time yesterday to get  across  the fridge and tumble dryer which were at the back of his garden tool shed and the big chest freezer was in the other shed which used to be his tool shed until the light-fingered one help himself. now we keep junk in it and his power tools upstairs in the spare room 😦 Anyway He had dumped so much stuff by it in his shed, that when I need bits out of  the freezer,  I kind of have to reach over……. 🙄  I’m hoping that today is that day…..

Oh I cant wait to be able to use it without the risk of serious bodily damage first .

So white good moved over Shelves in… Brand new carpet filthy from Allan’s muddy shoes when he was moving the white good in… DOH!!!  but a small price to pay for more space 🙂

(I would just like to say that the reason the garden is muddy is my father is constantly letting the dog out onto the grass   😦  )

I can start clearing my very cluttered kitchen.. Fingers crossed!!

And now its half term, Is this a good thing or not?

The boys officially broke up from school on Friday.

Now usually I love the breaks and having them home with me but I’m wondering what this week will bring….

Boy boys seem hell bent on destruction still not to mention Ali is full of the Lurge and He is not the only one.

I still feel like death warmed up 😦

Not to mention that it’s Monday morning at 6.49am and both boys are up and I have a mountain of bedclothes to wash because Ali had just throw up over them.. Oh the Joys!!

I haven’t got anything planned for this half term other than the fact that both boys need new shoe’s before they go back to school so a shopping trip is in order this week and maybe a trip to Bodiam Castle if Ali is feeling up to it…

I have a feeling this could be a long week 🙄

Will someone please explain to me

Why it is that my children, and my Partner, all of whom have excellent hand eye coordination and full use of both hands, cannot seem to master the simple task of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a new one? They know how to flush(sometimes) , how to wipe (thank goodness), and how to wash (I’m hoping), but it’s like there’s some religious aversion to actually removing the empty cardboard tube from the  holder and replacing it with the new roll of paper.

Just this morning I went into the bathroom and discovered an empty cardboard roll still on the dispenser, and a mostly used roll of toilet paper sitting on its end on the edge of  the sink, where water splashed from the recent washing of hands had seeped up into the remaining paper on the roll, thus ruining it for its intended use.

This kind of waste annoys me to no end.

Any ideas on how to teach my bright, talented, but incredibly lazy children and other half,  how to perform this simple task without the currently endless nagging from me that is currently required would be much appreciated.

I will thank you. My children will thank you. My toilet paper will thank you

Dog 3 House 0

Don’t get me wrong, The dawg is no innocent.. but for months he has been so good until now…..

When we first got him he was the hardest mutt I have ever had to try to house-train.

I managed it in the end, with the odd accident. funny enough for some strange reason, they always seems to coincide with weekend visits 😕

Anyway, With the Aid of a crate and everything else we seemed to get through the chewing puppy stage pretty Scott free ..

He learned how to escape the crate, we found that out when we got back from silverstone and he had been running round the house most of the day.

Oh good we thought we have got there.. trained at last..

So as we no longer needed the crate for him so put it outside in the playhouse.. Seemed as good as place as any to store it lol

Everything was fine  until last week 🙄

I went shopping in the morning and had done the school run in the afternoon.  everything seemed fine when I got back,

That evening I went upstairs to make the boys beds (didn’t have time in the morning) and there was some sponge on the landing..

wondering what it was I investigated further, My bedroom door was open a little so I peaked in.. OMG the fucker had chewed the whole memory foam mattress. 😡 Not impressed I called Allan

and he came up to clear out…..

Dog chastised and has behaved until Allan and I went out yesterday to have our parent teacher evening and collect Alex from school..

I would say we were gone, about an hour and a half.. we got back in to find that

The dawg had chewed his way through Allan’s Landrover Manual and Alex’s Dr Who book he got for christmas..

resulting in one very upset child and one pissed off Alpha Male and one cringing dawg..

We had a subdued dog all evening while I was baking Jo’s Birthday Cake..

Thinking the dawg had learned his lesson I went shopping this morning.  Came back and lo and behold he had got the manicure set (that Allan had left on the table) and a brand new padlock and keys.. and opened the blister pack..

I noticed as soon as I walked in the door. arrrgghhh!!

We have a few options now…

We can tidy up after ourselves and make sure all bedroom doors are locked so the dawg cant get in to anything.

OR..

We can cage the dawg when we go out.. But that kinda defeats the object of having the dog guard the house.

It’s not as if he doesn’t have anything to chew on as he has the biggest mother of a bone going not to mention balls and toys…..

I have googled and found this

separation anxiety 😯 I have separation anxiety every-time I got to bed now.. I miss my comfy mattress I hate the new one we had to buy.

The look of pure Guilt!!

Just call me Purpilina!!!

All right, so maybe you haven’t seen purple hair colour grace the head’s of 50% of the female population around me.  But something tells me you will.

you see when ever I seem to colour my hair and I usually pick a colour that not many have or is unusual.  within weeks everyone seems to think its a good idea

Years ago I went Green… yeah OK it was during the sex pistols and punk era but within two weeks 4 other people I know did the same thing.. :(

As I got older my natural blonde started getting darker and darker.. I dyed my hair light ash blonde.. when others were a golden blonde.. what happens.
yep you guessed  it they all decided to go that lighter  shade of blonde..

In the end I got so fed up I let my hair grow back to its natural colour.
To be honest I had a nasty shock as my once blonde hair was now a mousy light brown..

with the exception of a few highlights every 5 or 6  years I found that between having kids, working and running a household
I didn’t have time for colouring my hair anyway.. plus not to mention that my ex would have hit the roof…
Anyway,  Time passes… Im with Allan now and He has no choice in what I do.. I just do lol
When Alex was christened I had this strange urge to get my long hair cut short and colour it blonde again.. I even went to a salon to have this done
as it had been years since I had home dyed and I was a little weary.. Hairdressing is not my forte..

I ended up with the worst cut I have ever had… bits sticking up all over the place… My head resembled the shape of a peanut and im not talking about the nice rounded peanuts in the salted bag im talking as they are with the shell on shape peanut.. Not a good look.. take it from me!! And to add insult to injury… My hair was a carrotty yellow, with a hint of green (not the funky punky green either) more tinge of snot green in the sunlight… I was not impressed… 😡

I had my hair done the day before the christening so it was too late to do anything really…

hence the really bad picture..

Anyhoo after this not so natural disaster… My hair didnt get cut or touched by anyone… I even trimmed my own fringe… I bravely let Allan trim my ends about three times a year

and when the Gray looked like it was winning I would buy a home colour in a medium to dark brown about twice a year and do it myself… hair style was long heavy hair twisted and clipped up… Boring but safe…

I kept this up until the summer before Ali was due to start school, by spring time it was hot already, and I was suffering from constant migraine’s I was convinced that the weight of my hair clipped to my head was causing them… Sooo I decided that it was time to cut………

Once my Hair was cut shorter of course I got brave again and wanted something different.. Hmmmm I’m out up the town and I see red and purple hair colour… undecisive I buy them both..

Jo my lovely neighbour coloured my hair.. I opted for Red first and I thought it was great but the more I got used to it the more subtle it looked so in the end I got a vibrant red and used that.. I was happy..

red hair.. cool…. then look around… everyone was going red.. 😦

Every other Mother up the school seemed to be going red apart from the three witches.. who just stare over in disgust..

Time for a change… Red is just too common…. 😉

Purple is the new me……. I ran this idea past Allan at the time and he said yeah why not.. it will be christmas soon  (he knows he couldn’t stop me anyway lol) Sooo

Jo coloured my hair a vibrant violet which looked fantastic the first few days.. but sadly has washed out more and more every time my hair even gets wet.

Maybe it was a semi… time for permanent me thinks it has been about 6 weeks now since it was done..

So last night I got one of the home kits and did it again.. This time Midnight Violet

Watch this space….

I refuse to grow old dignified or not…