I’m tangled in my own confused little world where doubts have taken over…

I’m tangled in my own confused little world where doubts have taken over.

It feels like I’m the little kid in the cupboard, playing hide and seek, only to realize the game was over an hour ago, and nobody is looking…

How many times is someone supposed to hit rock bottom and lose everything and everyone before she reaches uphill and stay uphill?

Just as I think things are finally on the up after years of being rock bottom and I’m starting to live again, something comes along and kicks you right in the teeth.

Maybe I’m feeling so blue  because I have been so full of this lingering bug and feeling run down. I don’t know what it is but I do know that right now I don’t feel like I’m coping.

This last week has been a nightmare and I’m not one to say that during the school holidays. I love having my kids at home but this Monday I can’t wait for them to go..

I feel like walking up to a wall and just banging my head against it.

I’m worried about Ali. The older he gets the more I’m sure something is just not right 😕

I always said he should have been an only child.. He hates his sisters. Tammy especially, Tolerates Alex for the majority of the time.. The rest of the time he hates him as well, He never made any friends in playgroup and still hasn’t made any friends at school since he started in September.  For a long time I have convinced myself that he was shy. But now I’m starting to face the fact that there is more to it than that.  He is starting to get spiteful with Alex if he can’t get his own way..  pinching, pushing and being plain destructive.. breaking up Alex’s toys even breaking up his own toys..

He never really was a toy kid to be honest.. its only over the last year that he has started to show an interest in some of the latest “must have’s” that Alex had  so at christmas it was easy just get them both the same for everything.. I would say a good 70% of his now Ali has broken on purpose along with about 10% of Alex’s. 😦

He still shouts and growls or should I say RAAHHHH’S!!!  If he gets told off or again can’t get his own way.. he was never one for tantrums when he was little but this stubborn shouting and being nasty is starting to happen more and more often..  and boy is he stubborn.. he will not give in to anything or anyone..  I have tried every punishment known and nothing is working.. even Dad gave him a slap the other day and all he did was Growl louder this went on for a good couple of hours.  In the end the only way to calm him down was to get him to sit on my knee .. He will have cuddles with me and Allan and will give my dad a kiss and cuddle when he leaves but that is it.. no-one else is honoured and even we have to fight for them.

This week I feel like I have been at my wit’s end.. like I said maybe it’s because I have been feeling so unwell, Maybe it’s because I’m feeling unsettled for some reason. I don’t know .

What I do know is I can’t ignore this any longer.. I am going to have to try to find out what I can do to see if He really does need some help or he is just and unsociable nasty stubborn little bugger…….. 👿

One thing is for certain.. I’m not coping at the moment.. what the hell is wrong with me…..

I have coped with the death of a child,

I coped with the premature arrival of my twins…

I have coped through having 3 kids under a year old..

I have coped with having 5 under school age…….

I have coped with living with an abusive husband

I have coped with a separation and looking after the kids for two years,

I have coped when the evil one returned and the world crashed all around me.

I have coped with losing my house, my family,

I have coped with becoming a full time carer  of my mum who was disabled, diabetic, ill and very demanding and suffering with dementia and looking after a baby  and my own house, at the same time

Again I have coped with single-handedly visiting her in hospital for  8 or 9 weeks, sorting out a nursing home for her then being told she wont make it and then  sorting out her funeral because my brother “had his own life” and when she did pass away he  was to busy on his holiday in the south of France to help arrange anything.. to be told by him he didn’t even want me to call him when she did finally die because it would ruin their holiday.

I have coped with keeping two houses running and suffering miscarriage after miscarriage in a final attempt to have one last child.

I have coped with the benign lump in my neck that caused me to have a week in hospital hooked up to morphine while they ran every test under the sun before they decided that its safer to leave it where it is and of course there is always that day when you never know if  its going to turn malignant

I coped when Ali was born, three weeks early and by emergency c section because history was repeating itself with my first child.. my waters had gone and infection was imminent.

I have coped with a certain persons Infidelities not once but twice.

I have coped with Ali’s sight problems, I have coped with having the father constantly here. so what has changed

Why can’t I cope any-more.. Why am I sat here at nearly 3am because I cant sleep, tears streaming down my face, wondering why my life is going downhill again.

Is this just Karma for all the wrong doings I have done, and for all the hurt I have caused in the past when I was young….

I’m sat here wondering if my heart & head have ever heard of compromise?  I will never have the life I wanted I know that…..

But  Maybe what I’ve always wanted isn’t right for me at all..



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