My Dad’s Bunk Beds
I am posting this for my Dad, it’s not that he doesn’t have a laptop or that he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just much easier to call your son and ask him to do things for you.
They (Mother and Father) are wishing to give away a set of bunk beds, they are generally quite kind like that. Of late my grandmother has been staying with them every other weekend and it seems the choice of ‘top or bottom’ is too much for her to handle and so they are buying a new bed for her.
This is great for my grandmother but it sucks like an industrial vacuum cleaner for me since it now means only one of my children can stay over at any given time. That loud bang you just heard was my social life clattering to the floor like a deer who stared too long at the headlights.
It is because of this that I have decided not to list the beds on a free to good home site and instead sell them and keep all of the money for myself. I will of course be telling my father that I gave these away for free.
If you would like these bunk beds (I hope you don’t) they are available for collection from the Tollesby area of Middlesbrough, it’s quite affluent around there so please address my father as sir and curtsey for my mother, if my sister is there you can poke her in the face for all I care since she has done nothing to change their minds about getting rid of the beds.
The bed/s are of a metal construction finished in boring silver, quite honestly though they are a death trap and will almost certainly break apart and severely injure the first person to sleep in them.
The picture above is an illustration only, I really can’t be bothered going to his house to take a picture of bunk beds, if you don’t know what bunk beds look like then imagine taking one bed and putting it on top of another, then imagine the top one falling down and crushing the person below.
For the uneducated, bunk beds are a bit like a double decker bus with no wheels, useless and only good for homeless people and pigeons. Sleeping in them is dangerous and the arguments over who gets the top bunk are inevitable. One such argument with my friend Russ aged 8 at the time led to him having a bruised back and facial laceration, and then I got vertigo and wanted the bottom one anyway.
So far as I know, the beds have never been used in a sexy fashion nor have they been used to hunt for ostrich. It’s possible though that my Dad once built a den underneath and pretended to be Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity, he won’t admit to this so don’t mention it.
The beds are in good condition but will make your house look really stupid and your friends will stop visiting. You will become lonely and very sad and in a desperate attempt to drag yourself out of depression may even begin watching Homes under the Hammer presented by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander, little will you know that this will push you deeper in to the depths of loneliness and insanity. But at least you have the bunk beds, right!
Due to the size of the bunk bed you will most likely require a Russian built Antonov An-225 aircraft in which to collect it, a picture of which I have included. Sadly my father’s house lacks the appropriate equipment to refuel you for your return flight. It doesn’t have a runway either which makes the previous sentence somewhat worthless but I had an itching desire to type the word ‘refuel’. If you have a Ford Escort Estate or similar you might still be in with a chance but I doubt it.
My Dad will most likely dismantle the beds for you or more likely will call me to come and do it for him. I will certainly and intentionally lose at least 7 vital components rendering the beds utterly unsafe for human use, they will in fact be so dangerous that even the scrap man will think twice about taking them from you, and let’s face it, those scavengers would take bird flu infected land mines off you.
As with all good beds there is a monster underneath it, this is guaranteed to keep your children petrified and the mattresses forever soaked in urine. It goes without saying that the monster will also provide you with endless sleepless nights and a larger electricity bill owing to the fact that their bedroom light must remain on FOREVER!!!!! I will be pleased to inform your children of the monster when they come with you to collect the bed.
Anyhow, if you want them you can have them, just bid but remember if Dad asks they were free. (Look in to my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, you are in a safe place, listen to my voice YOU DON’T WANT THEM you are now a chicken, chickens don’t sleep in bunk beds. And awake.)
If you bid on these bunk beds then this child will have to sleep in a box in Evil Dad’s/Evil Grandad’s garage covered only in old newspapers and a tiny bit of left over carpet from the stairs
For those who cant be bothered to click the link this is the description its a classic…
Mens Pop White Storm Watch
Member ID boogieandcookie
If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.
The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can’t be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.
This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.
Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me – Oh how extravagant of her -“Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I’ll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve” By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that’s what I said she should be in the circus. “Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart”
I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend’s body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus – LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.
So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.
PS – As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.
Q: Hi Boogie, I trust your judgement and, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ? 22-Jul-11
A: Scratches chin, it really depends on if it is an Armstrong outboard motor bracket, I have found those tend to be the most resilient. Normally most useless cracks need be replaced, filling one almost always leads to additional expenditure later.
Q: Hi there boogie!! My mate just emailed me the link to your listing and I just had to message you my thanks! I have been feeling pretty crap today (no job, skint, blah blah..)and your writings (including the Q & A’s) had me roaring laughing! If you’re really out of work, you should most definately consider some form of comedic writing online/internet marketing/website referrals etc. for a living, as you have a great gift for it – I reckon you would rake it in!! All the best Stacy 22-Jul-11
A: Well thanks, I am sure that Top Gear, FHM, Men’s Health, Maxim, The Sun, The Times or Anglers Weekly will beat a path to my door should they feel that they are lacking a dark cynical wordsmith who can actually spell Lathe to swoop among them.
Q: Just an honest question about this watch as worn by offensively rich footballers. When you wore it did you have urges to throw yourself on the floor and scream ‘foul’ at all? And did you find yourself attracted to hugging lots of sweaty men? Your comments about your ex I consider to be ‘wartist’. You can get treatment for this – but why bother. 22-Jul-11
A: That is almost synchronicity – You know I did. I found myself feeling odd wearing the watch. I was compelled to spit in a very manly fashion and shout “man on” a lot. My friends thought this was normal, until I was compelled to purchase a Bentley GT and create a creative and brilliant nickname from a private number plate, you know like when you take the numbers and letters and make a word out of them.
Q: although you ended up with the hairdressers watch, i think steve should sell his quality watch and buy a better car with the proceeds, after dumping size uk-9 moley chops that is…. i presumed you both went on a date first, i understand that people dont check the size of each others feet on a date but if she is in proportion with the rest of her body she must have hands like jeff capes and an batty like rusty lee, well done for getting rid of her, although, by the sounds of it she wont be too bothered, she wasnt thinking of you when your ex boss was eating her. Good luck fella, im sure you will one day meet the woman of your dreams, mole free, normal feet an all tha caper 😉 22-Jul-11
A: Women NEVER show you their real feet on dates, everyone knows you have to do at least 3 dinners, 2 gifts, send her a poem, walk over hot coals, eat nails, join Cirque as human fire ball, play for a local small football club and appear in JLS before even thinking about going there.
Q: Hello there, I know this is a really random question but is this a real sale. I LOVE the description of it by the way 🙂 Thanks, Laura 22-Jul-11
A: Yes it is.
Q: I am Nigerian Prince hope for inherit USD45m, but need watch. Are you consider sending watch on approval? This is big opportunity – just need watch. 22-Jul-11
A: Oh Hello Nigerian. Sure where would you like me to send the watch, if you are short of food or any other resources such as live ammunition I might see if I have any in the shed for you.
Q: This watch will go down a storm….. when the cat got sucked into the lathe, I assume you were quick enough to turn on the coolant to stop any heat build up and damage those expensive tungsten tipped tools. have youe ever though about knuling a pidgeon on that thing you’d have to drop the speed to a low gear for this operation? 22-Jul-11
A: No that did not occur to me. Thank you.
Q: Could you get in touch with her just one more time and ask her if I can purchase the hairy eye wart so as to make a paper weight for my desk. Im willing to buy instead of Bid. 22-Jul-11
A: I will ask her but I know she is using some skin care products which are GAURANTEED to remove reduce or change the blemish after only 40 Bottles at £39.80 each used precisely at 0331hrs GMT for a period of no less than 1000 days.
Q: are you aware that your ad is now all over twitter and facebook? could you, perhaps, turn it into a play for radio 4? good luck with your sale and with finding a new, unblemished, girlfriend. 22-Jul-11
A: A play on Radio 4 – Let me think of a title – “What the F is that on your face” – starring Ronnie Corbet
Q: I will be moving to Essex soon as part of a “promotion” with my work. If I wear this watch will it make me more attractive to the lovely ladies of Essex? 22-Jul-11
A: Genius indeed it will, well spotted. Perhaps if you like you could also add a generous serving of St Tropez cream to your arm, this will create a better contrast, illustrating the white more prominently whilst drawing attention to your beautiful hard earned iron forearm flexor muscles. The combination of the white sports watch and brown muscular arm form is sure to establish both your sportiness and subsequent attractiveness to all females.
Q: Can you confirm that i won’t catch thrush from any part of that watch if i was to purchase it? 22-Jul-11
A: I can confirm the watch has been only on my thrush-less wrist twice. Besides those bullet shaped hero’s are for a myriad of pelvic support defects. Including stress urinary incontinence. ( well I wasn’t going to say anything )
Q: Why did you go out with an ugly girl? 22-Jul-11
A: She was not ugly with the patch I bought her.
Q: love the watch……… but what was you doing with a size 9 feet wearing sasquatch with a moley moley face!!!! sounds like you are better off out of it LOL. Hope you use the proceeds to buy the cat a fake tail and leg as she sounds like she wont let you down like the ex did!!!! 🙂 22-Jul-11
A: Well it wasn’t until we she first wore her oh-so-attractive-female-enhancing-gladiator-sandals that I first noticed the gargantuan nature of her feet. When I was first presented with them in these ingenious shoes we were on holiday. Children were pointing, some cried, by that time it was too late.
Q: I am a grey Ford Focus and while I understand your pain may I respectfully ask that you do not deflect your hurt on to innocent vehicles. I can not choose who drives me. I may lack va va voom but I have feelings. Please do not tar us all with the same primer brush. 22-Jul-11
A: Thank you for your email Grey. I have to say I am saddened to have caused you so much discomfort. Added to the looks of disgust confusion and dismay you must already endure about your daily drives, I feel this was rather unfair of me. I also noted that you chose to keep your complaint neutral rather like your finish. Neutral. Neither here, nor there. Just Neutral so I appreciate that.
Q: I’ve searched through ebay and can’t find and Laithe Cat screens for sale. Perhaps you should pursue this market as a new career now that you are in need of a job. I would suggest something in clear perspex with matching on button shield. 22-Jul-11
A: If only I had a Lathe cat screen, mine and many millions of other animals would not be hurt in such a horrific way. I’ll call the Red Cross.
Q: Dude I don’t live in Swindon but I feel I should leave the comfort of Wales to buy you a beer just as soon as I can because you have made my day. I’m sorry for your strife. Good luck finding new job, with the lack of skilled machinists these days I’m sure you shouldn’t have too much trouble. 22-Jul-11
A: That is very kind of you thank you for your Welsh comfort. Will you be charging me a toll for that?
Q: I think you should give Steve a break, i’ve heard hairy, big footed slappers are very hard to resist? 22-Jul-11
A: Ha. You are quite right. It is never the mans fault in these cases. Women have special venom pheromones that blind their prey from rational thought rather like a spider.
Q: Hi, because the watch does not have a box can you put it in with the pessaries and send those as well? 22-Jul-11
A: I can arrange that yes. Good Question. This would be particularly cunning for Customs and Excise as I am not sure there is import tax for “soothing genital medication”.
Q: Hi … the watch sounds great, one question, were you wearing it when you punched Steve? How much for postage to Australia? We cant have you and Judy starving. 22-Jul-11
A: If it goes to Australia it might not work, because in Australia time goes backwards, things are upside down and there are Dingos that steal babies, and watches on every street corner. But I would assume £10 which is approximately 81,000 of your Australian Dollars.
Q: You are probably the best person around. Never read anything remotely funny on ebay before. Don’t ever change and I’m SURE you will do much better than whats-her-face. The watch is kinda ugly ps…as a woman I would advise you to never wear anything completely white – horrible. You rock! xo -Bonnie 22-Jul-11
A: Thanks Bonnie. It’s ok I will join Bachelorplace or Adultfreakfinder or something I will be fine, cause apparently they have tons of real girls in my town waiting for me, tonight, in my town, tonight, for me – tonight in my town. PS – Its not that UGLY – white watches are actually in for men. I saw a football player wearing one.
Q: Hey, Whats your Ex’s name and number?? ;P 22-Jul-11
A: Her name is “Lumpy faced prostitute” and you will find her telephone number now duly posted in every phone box in W1.
Q: I like the look of the watch but I’m worried your skanky wart face mole ex may have hexed this watch. To your knowledge is she a practicing evil witch or was she a witch in a past life?? 22-Jul-11
A: Interesting view point. I did note that sometimes she would sit in a dark room looking at the watch rocking back and forth but I thought this was normal for someone with mental disturbance.
Q: Let’s face it, I have to hand it to you for answering these questions time and time again. This is the second time I’ve told you to stop you continue to tick me off by going in to minute detail. I’m sorry, I’m only winding you up. Note: This post may contain time related puns. Some of which are the worst puns of all time. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes but you forgot to watch the item.
Q: Sorry about your girlfriend dude.. I hope you find a new/better one. Don’t take her back or else the problems will be worse! 22-Jul-11
A: It is funny you say that. Mine was trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. She has mastered the: “What do you mean who am I talking to on Skype at 3am, its my friend Julie, don’t be so paranoid, god men are so paranoid, I will leave you if you are paranoid, you are so possessive, I hate possessive men who don’t approve of me flirting with everyone but saying I am not”
Q: Is there a matching white suit to go with this? If so, how much for the whole package. Also, you girlfriend came home late last night, was she with you by chance? Just trying to get my facts straight… Also will you ship to Thailand? 22-Jul-11
A: Oh no. I don’t think she wants to go back from Thailand – she promised to love me long time should I agree to pay for everything.
Q: Evening! I just happened across this auction, from a little (big) site known as Reddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iw0d2/best_ebay_product_description_ever/ I’m afraid I agree with you about the style so I shan’t be bidding, but I can buy you a damn beer coz I see you’re in Swindon… as am I! Promise I’m nothing to do with this Steve bloke though…as a rule I avoid Focus drivers. Good luck with the auction mate. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes there is something distinctly ordinary about a Focus in grey. It is neither Silver nor white, it is just grey. “Hi, do you like my car?” “Yes what colour is it?” “It’s primer” “Brilliant cleaning that must be a joy”
Q: I’m very sorry about your cat. Hug her for me. 22-Jul-11
A: Ah, that’s a shame but she is cat who is trained in Krav Maga. Sadly the postman lost an eye from hugging her once.
Q: Sorry about your girl and your boss. I will bid for this watch then burn it and bury the remains on a sunny beach in california. I hope your cat will enjoy some food. 22-Jul-11
A: Interesting idea. Is this beach patrolled often by police, as I rather have another item I was planning to bury there.
Q: How exactly does a cat get into a lathe accident? Oh, and nice watch… 22-Jul-11
A: Well as it happens I enjoy some social woodturning, metalworking, metalspinning and glassworking, it helps me relax. There is nothing quite like milling, grinding and fashioning a peice of metal from one shape, to a slightly different one. The transformation is quite rewarding. One day. I was shaping a piece of scrap metal from the tip into a beautiful swan on my new lathe. My cat had not seen the lathe before and whilst I was on a break she began to rub herself on the machine. I watched as I found this was quite endearing, but she accidentally switched it on with her paw.
Q: I felt like you should know that. Steve sounds like an asshole. 22-Jul-11
A: Thank you. I tore him a new one.
Q: hi great story can you add pics of both steve and ugly ex girlfriend thanks that would help in making a purchase 22-Jul-11
A: Steve is rather sadly bludgeoned quite badly and as a result images of him – are about to be uploaded, images of my fat thigh Evans clothes wearing big tall Sally however are likely to disturb small children and dogs.
Q: Hi there, are you boogie or cookie 🙂 22-Jul-11
A: Well actually I am boogie its a pet name. Cookie was the pet name for my ex girlfriend. I am called Boogie as I like to dance, she is called Cookie as the she has a cookie sized giant freckle on her right bosom.
Q: Are there any pictures of the original purchaser available? Purely for research purposes you understand. 22-Jul-11
A: Yes as a matter of fact there are – we once did some close up shots of her EYE MOUND for Dr Pakindoedoe – He wanted them to show his medical dermatological students how incredibly ugly it can be to be afflicted in this way he then passed them to be displayed in section 3C of the Natural History Museum in London, next to the lava beetles.
Q: Is the laithe for sale? 22-Jul-11
Q: The watch seems to have an honest face, however the original purchaser seems to be two faced – can you guarantee that he watch isn’t lying when it tells the time. Oh sorry to hear about your job. And the cat. 22-Jul-11
A: As the watch is male, I can confirm that it is not a lying female watch that will end up in your bed with someone else the moment you take it off your wrist.
To my child who likes to argue with me:
Where do you think you got your ATTITUDE from??????
Give it Up, I have DECADES more experience than you!!!!
You See I win!!
You my Sunshine are in Bed and I am up……..
Is it me or has this been a very long 6 or 7 weeks of Term, Last term was all bank holidays, school closed for voting, of course the Royal wedding and then the long Easter holiday..
This Term the kids and I think mums alike are just burnt out…
We all need a break,
I swear between Attitude Boy Alex and Ali well just being Ali today I could burst into tears.
Ali has been on a mission since he came home from school, breaking things in his path, The usual growling when he cant get his own way.. This afternoon Allan was out the front fixing the Landrover and the little toe rag was running up the road so I had to get him in and hold him back, while Im doing so he is scratching at me, trying to pinch me, shouting and struggling, Alex is being a pain and winding him up and Im just sitting there thinking roll on Bedtime…….
he pushes his luck to far when Allan finally finishes changing the landrover fan belt and other bits and Allan sends him to bed… I go up there to tuck him in and stop him kicking the bedroom door down, we have a cuddle and then with the promise from me to make a yellow jelly he has gone to sleep..
Next is Alex… Attitude boy… Lets just say I cant ask where he gets it from as I know only to well, between me and his dad the child has no chance……….
But despite the arguments of no school tomorrow, and I want to watch what ever it is on TV.. I won the battle.. He went to bed………..
I love having my kids home for the summer holidays… I love not having to get them up and make sure I have everything for packed lunches, and not having to worry about the uniform being clean and making sure everything is ok and shoes sorted, homework done, doing the school run,. you know the usual routine..
BUT!! the way Ali is at the moment I dont know if I will cope with having him off school for 6 weeks, having him 24/7
I have never had a child like this before……….. I really dont know if I am going to get through this in one mental piece…
I saw this today and I thought how true it is….
SCHOOLS OUT… !!!
As the kids break up today and say their goodbyes to the teachers and their friends, I thought I might say a few goodbyes of my own today..
Firstly to my peace and quite, I will truly miss you..
To the remote control, we have been good friends I know but, for a while we must part..
To the food in the fridge, goodbye…*sniff*,
To my tidyish house, please don’t be sad. I promise that, come September I will come and find you…
To my dog.. yes they will be home until September but I promise you can sleep sound when they go to bed….
Lastly, to my sanity….
Goodbye my old friend, until we meet again xxx
We got the letter thorough the other day.. Ali has been statemented now, He is on the lower end of the Autistic spectrum, with Aspergers however he is being refereed again because of high suspicion of dyspraxia as well, We have the appointment in the summer holidays and they said everything will be sent to the school for September… I have been assured by the school that it wont effect his place at the school… And he will get any help he needs… (Although I am not entirely convinced about this as I can’t actually see what help they can offer… how do you get a child to join in team or role play when he wont even speak to the other kids…..) Although he did have his hill friends….. Not that he spoke to them he just ran around the hill by the playground with them while we waited for Alex to come out of his class but even that has come to an end now as he has been moved into the year one class now and they no longer get out ten mins early, So we now know what class room he will be in, The wait now is what teacher he will have…. No doubt we will find out when the report cards are sent out.
I have a feeling this is the start of a long road… but at least I now know why my son is so obnoxious at times.. and why he hates kids.. toys and everything has to be done a certain way…
it’s that Smedley sperm again lol
Jamie Paul Catchlove (Jakesy)
Passed away peacefully on Friday 17th July 2009
2 Years ago today we all lost a very special and dear friend, Never forgotten and always in our Heart. We miss you more and more each and every day.
Two years have passed and still not a day goes by that we dont look over to your house and miss seeing you there.
We miss you popping over for a chat and the odd portion of “Real Chip”
You were one in a million, We will always miss you.
You’ll never walk alone
Memory was something you lost with age……
An application was for employment….
A program was a TV show…. A cursor used profanity…
A keyboard was a piano…
A web was a spider’s home…
A virus was the flu….
A hard drive was a long trip on the road…..
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived..
And if you had a 3 inch floppy… you just hoped nobody found out. 🙂