Im loving eBay more and more each day I keep finding these old classics.





This guy was so funny he ended up with his own website.

For Sale: One Slightly Used Size 12 Wedding Gown. Only worn twice: Once at the wedding and once for these pictures.

Make: Victoria

Style: 611

Size: 12

Divorce forces sale

I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, “That’s such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it.” So, this is what I’m doing. I’m selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didn’t so I got stuck with the bill. Luckily I only got stuck with his daughter for 5 years. Thank the Lord we didn’t have kids. If they would have turned out like her or her family I would have slit my wrists. Anyway, it’s a really nice dress as you can see in the pictures. Personally, I think it looks like a $1200 shower curtain, but what do I know about this. We tried taking pictures of this lovely white garment but it didn’t look right on the hanger as you can see, so my sister says, “You need a model.” Well, quite frankly my sister isn’t exactly small, (like a size 12 is?) so she wouldn’t pose for the picture. Seeing as I have sworn off women for the time being and I ain’t friends with any, it left me holding the bag. I took the liberty of blacking out my face – not to protect the ex-wife but to protect me from my bar buddies and co-workers finding out about it. I would never live it down. Actually I didn’t think my head would fit in the neck hole, but then I figured she got her Texas cheerleader hair through there I could get my head in it. Though, after looking at the pictures, I thought it made me look fat. How do you women wear this crap? I only had to walk 3 feet and I tripped twice. Don’t worry ladies – I am wearing clothes on underneath it. I gotta say it did make me feel very pretty. So if it can make me feel pretty, it can make you feel pretty, especially on the most important day of your life, right? Anyway, I was told to say it has a train and a veil and all kinds of shiny beady things. I think it’s funny that one picture makes it look like the chest plate off an Imperial Storm Trooper. Did I mention that all I want is a ball game and beer? Cheap at twice the price. Ladies, you won’t regret this. You may regret the dude you marry but not the dress.

Just a little side note – As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn’t be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work…

On Apr-26-04 at 10:38:31 PDT, seller added the following information:Well, the auction is a little over half over and I am just amazed. This thing has taken more hits than that pothead that lives in the next building. Man, oh man, if hits were bucks I’d be getting a suite at Safeco.

I also have received TONS of email. I don’t have the time to reply to all of them but I just want to let everyone know that I appreciate the well wishes.

Of the email I received:

Five or so were invitations to ball games in other states. Two of those were for little league games. Do they have those cushy executive boxes with the free chicken wings at those?

One email was from Scotland. It’s a good thing he wrote it because I wouldn’t be able to understand a word he said. Never did get through Braveheart.

Most were thanking me for the laugh. You’re entirely welcome. Five years of misery was well worth the hearty guffaw that was my pleasure to give you.

Oh, yeah. I also got three marriage proposals. Yes, you read it right – three marriage proposals. I feel like one of those mass murderers on death row. I never understood how the hell they got more chicks than I did. Now I know. They sold crap on eBay.

On Apr-26-04 at 23:45:56 PDT, seller added the following information:Holy Moly!

The hit counter is starting to look like the odometer in my truck! Not the new shiny black full-size 4-wheel-drive American pick-up that I had to part with, but the somewhat older, multicolored, lumpy, tiny, 2-wheel-drive foreign pick-up that belches smoke. A little something about that vehicle, though: it’s absolutely amazing! When I get inside it to go to the store, I am all depressed. But when I arrive at the store, I’m so freaking loopy from inhaling the fumes, I forget why I went there in the first place. I’m saving buckets of money. Of course, I will probably have to spend it all on the tuberculosis I will acquire, but hey, you can’t have everything.

I felt compelled to update this ad once more due to all of your emails. The first thing I have to say is thank you all for your support in my time of need. It was a truly harrowing experience. Some of you men know exactly what I mean.

Seeing as this has turned into my little public forum, I just want to address a few of the emails that kind of left me scratching my head.

I now have five marriage proposals. You would think my speaking of the ones I already got yesterday would have put a damper on it, but you women sure are persistent. One woman actually said she doesn’t want to marry me, but wouldn’t mind being my ex-wife. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Nope. No thanks, already got one. (Pssst. Didn’t I mention I had one? Who wants an ex-wife that can’t read? Now, I know what you guys are thinking – “If she can’t read, then the divorce would be smooth sailing.” Well, that would be all well and good but I didn’t say her ATTORNEY couldn’t read. You following me on this?)

Other emails are serious buyers asking about the dress. “How long is the train?” and “Does the gown come with the headdress and veil?” Yes, headdress and veil are included, but the do-rag stays with me. And if the train was long enough for my ex’s caboose, it’s long enough for yours. You will have to supply your own baggage, though. I gave mine to Goodwill.

There was this one woman who wrote, “You should have covered your tattoos. People will be able to recognize you, like on America’s Most Wanted.” HELLO!!! I’m a guy selling a dress. I’m not wanted for war crimes.

Some of your emails made me laugh. Like the bitter woman that wished she had her ex’s testicles to sell on eBay. I’m not too sure there’s a market for that, though. Then there was the guy that gave his wife’s wedding dress to the Salvation Army by mistake, thinking it was a Christmas tree. Guess he didn’t have any Christmas balls that year.

This has also been a learning experience for me. I got a lot of messages correcting me about the color of wedding dresses. For Russian Orthodox, they are blue. For Chinese they are red. Mexico has multi-colored ones. All I know is, for my next wedding I will be wearing a hairy, flesh-toned ensemble because I will be buck naked with a toe tag lying on a slab in the morgue because I would have killed myself.

A lot of folks were asking me if I wear women’s dresses a lot. I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever donned female attire. It’s also the first time I’ve been inside something feminine that didn’t nag me to take out the garbage.

It seems a few people have taken offense to my inferring a size 12 is big. One male even pointed out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Now, I would agree with you that size 12/14 is small if I lived elsewhere. But I live right here in the good old 48 Contiguous, where binging and purging is a way of life. American women do not want to be double digits in size. Just ask any woman what size they want to be. Invariably they will say five or seven. Wealthy will be the person that opens a store for Lane Bryant-sized women but sews size 7 tags on all the clothes.

On the flip side of that, I have taken offense to some of the people that told me I’m ugly and a loser. All I have to say is you’d be ugly too if you had a huge white blotch on your face. And as far as being a loser, I think you have it all wrong. I am such the winner. It isn’t every day an average guy can make 50,000 people laugh. Thanks to each and every one of you from the heart of my bottom.

Because of the high profile of this item, I am changing the listing to Pre-Approved Bidders Only. To be pre-approved, please contact me at and include “Serious Bidder” in the subject line of the email and I will return your email to pre-approve your bidding on the auction. Thank you for your interest.Woooooooohoooooo! What a wild ride! The emails are coming faster than the hits. And now personal appearances. First Star94 radio in Atlanta, then King5 in Seattle,now the Today Show with that I-used-to-be-a-fat-weatherman-but-now-I-am-as-skinny-as-Regis-but-twice-as-funny Al “I will turn this car around” Roker.
It is amazing; all this media hype. Hey, Al! Any relation to Roxy?
EBay has graciously allowed me to update this page once more. So I will keep it brief.

This one guy emailed me and said, “Hey, bud. What part of Texas do you live?”
Uh… Well, sir, I am from Seattle. Uh, Seattle, Texas.
Right next to AreYouAFreakingMoron, Texas, which is a hop, skip and jump from IWasEducatedByGeorgeBush, Texas. Thanks for asking, neighbor.

We have a website coming that everyone can check out. It will be up soon.

Please only bid if you are serious. Or really, really hot.



Oh yes eBay Again has another Classic…

My Dad’s Bunk Beds

I am posting this for my Dad, it’s not that he doesn’t have a laptop or that he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just much easier to call your son and ask him to do things for you.

They (Mother and Father) are wishing to give away a set of bunk beds, they are generally quite kind like that. Of late my grandmother has been staying with them every other weekend and it seems the choice of ‘top or bottom’ is too much for her to handle and so they are buying a new bed for her.

This is great for my grandmother but it sucks like an industrial vacuum cleaner for me since it now means only one of my children can stay over at any given time. That loud bang you just heard was my social life clattering to the floor like a deer who stared too long at the headlights.

It is because of this that I have decided not to list the beds on a free to good home site and instead sell them and keep all of the money for myself. I will of course be telling my father that I gave these away for free.

If you would like these bunk beds (I hope you don’t) they are available for collection from the Tollesby area of Middlesbrough, it’s quite affluent around there so please address my father as sir and curtsey for my mother, if my sister is there you can poke her in the face for all I care since she has done nothing to change their minds about getting rid of the beds.

The bed/s are of a metal construction finished in boring silver, quite honestly though they are a death trap and will almost certainly break apart and severely injure the first person to sleep in them.

The picture above is an illustration only, I really can’t be bothered going to his house to take a picture of bunk beds, if you don’t know what bunk beds look like then imagine taking one bed and putting it on top of another, then imagine the top one falling down and crushing the person below. 

For the uneducated, bunk beds are a bit like a double decker bus with no wheels, useless and only good for homeless people and pigeons. Sleeping in them is dangerous and the arguments over who gets the top bunk are inevitable. One such argument with my friend Russ aged 8 at the time led to him having a bruised back and facial laceration, and then I got vertigo and wanted the bottom one anyway.

So far as I know, the beds have never been used in a sexy fashion nor have they been used to hunt for ostrich. It’s possible though that my Dad once built a den underneath and pretended to be Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity, he won’t admit to this so don’t mention it.

The beds are in good condition but will make your house look really stupid and your friends will stop visiting. You will become lonely and very sad and in a desperate attempt to drag yourself out of depression may even begin watching Homes under the Hammer presented by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander, little will you know that this will push you deeper in to the depths of loneliness and insanity. But at least you have the bunk beds, right!

Due to the size of the bunk bed you will most likely require a Russian built Antonov An-225 aircraft in which to collect it, a picture of which I have included. Sadly my father’s house lacks the appropriate equipment to refuel you for your return flight. It doesn’t have a runway either which makes the previous sentence somewhat worthless but I had an itching desire to type the word ‘refuel’. If you have a Ford Escort Estate or similar you might still be in with a chance but I doubt it. 

My Dad will most likely dismantle the beds for you or more likely will call me to come and do it for him. I will certainly and intentionally lose at least 7 vital components rendering the beds utterly unsafe for human use, they will in fact be so dangerous that even the scrap man will think twice about taking them from you, and let’s face it, those scavengers would take bird flu infected land mines off you.

As with all good beds there is a monster underneath it, this is guaranteed to keep your children petrified and the mattresses forever soaked in urine. It goes without saying that the monster will also provide you with endless sleepless nights and a larger electricity bill owing to the fact that their bedroom light must remain on FOREVER!!!!! I will be pleased to inform your children of the monster when they come with you to collect the bed.

Anyhow, if you want them you can have them, just bid but remember if Dad asks they were free. (Look in to my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, you are in a safe place, listen to my voice YOU DON’T WANT THEM you are now a chicken, chickens don’t sleep in bunk beds. And awake.)

If you bid on these bunk beds then this child will have to sleep in a box in Evil Dad’s/Evil Grandad’s garage covered only in old newspapers and a tiny bit of left over carpet from the stairs

Oh yeah, this is a bit unconfirmed but I heard a rumour that the bed frame is made from recycled and unexploded hand grenades. If you are one of those people that wants to die in their sleep then take your chances with these ex-military (unconfirmed) Weapons of Mattress Destruction.

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: I have placed a bid on this item, however i was wondering if there may be the opportunity to ‘buy it now’- are you willing to settle a final price for the furniture now? Thanks, Henry 26-Jul-11
A: You steal my child’s bed and then have the audacity to want it sooner. I like your style. No.
Q: Will your mother be upset if I curtsey to your father and call her Sir? 26-Jul-11
A: Probably. Go for it.
Q: Hi, would you consider a swap for an old air bed. It only has one small puncture and providing you don’t sleep in late will stay sufficiently inflated to avoid contact with the floor. No monsters included 26-Jul-11
A: I laugh in the face of your offer. Hmm Hmm coff engage French accent…Herrr herrrr herrr ha.
Q: So, why no answer to your Grandma’s stash of obsolete £20 notes.Visiting Dad to have a quick check??? Did the said Grandparent have a monster experience? 26-Jul-11
A: In an effort to look thoroughly awesome and stinking rich I took them to a posh night club and smoked them one by one until I pulled.
Q: Will you ship to the US? I have an adolescent son very interested in these beds owing to the monster under it. He wonders if your monster speaks English… American English, not the good kind, will it tolerate teen boy funk(odor), and do we need to pay extra to ship the monster. Also, can it be shipped with the beds or do we need to purchase a seat on a flight? Warn your monster about the TSA in the United States…they are fond of groping. We don’t want the monster to arrive traumatized. Thank you! 26-Jul-11
A: Apparently I can no longer be trusted with international mailing, pffft one alarm clock, a roll of sausages, a bundle of wires and an xray machine gets everyones knickers in a twist.
Q: In case you do sell the aforementioned bunk beds and the samll child has to sleep in the box in the garage you may be interested in a large amount of spare carpet with we have in our loft and in addition to the carpet there are also rolls of wallpaper should you want to spruce up the box 26-Jul-11
A: Would be easier if I just sent you the child, you sound equipped to handle things.
Q: you have a funny family sir. 26-Jul-11
A: You know too much, your brain will be wiped whilst you sleep.
Q: Is that monster the type that steals ones dreams by placing the tip of his scaly fingers in the waxy orifice of children’s ears? If so, can you confirm that the top bunk is sufficiently far from the monster to avoid this issue, or does my friend Gerry have to sleep on the bottom bunk to act as some sort of sacraficial ear? Very Best Regards, Duncan 26-Jul-11
A: I regret to inform you that the monster hotline is now closed. If your question is urgent or if you are currently experiencing a monster attack, press 1 now for our out of hours team. Alternatively please repost your question between the hours of 8am-4pm.
Q: Do you accept barter? I can claim the highest vocal pitch of any male chorister in the UK post 1971 and would be willing to teach you how you can sing at similarly high pitches. Alternatively, I could pay in debased currency (Roman or French) 26-Jul-11
A: I had a similar experience with man skin and a jeans fly zipper once. I need no help or reminders of that day thank you.
Q: How many asylum seekers would I be able to accommodate on here? And, as it was previously used by your Grandmother, approximately how many out of circulation £20 notes are stashed in the mattresses? 26-Jul-11
A: An asylum seeker has more redeeming features than this bed. I have my suspicions that this bed made it across the UK border and has been claiming disability living allowance for 7 years whilst owning and working in a pizza shop.
Q: Hi, would it be possible for you to delivery to a small island in the Pacific? I will of course re emburse [up to £1] the cost. Also are the bunk beds suitable for bunking up to 6 adults? they look quite strong. Regards, Phil 26-Jul-11
A: I asked Michael what he thought about your question and he said “Grrrrreerrreeerrrr” you have been warned!
Q: Hello, can you please confirm if the bunk bed meets both BS EN 747-1:1993 and BS EN 13453-1:2004 standards? I would class myself as an “Extreme” bunk bed user and as such, I need to know I can depend on the bed, especially when performing high speed stunts as well as those involving fire and dogs. Can you finally advise if the bed is supplied with slippers and if so, is it 2 pairs? Kindest Regards Andy 26-Jul-11
A: Since my subscription to ‘Bedroom Furniture Standards Monthly’ ran out recently I am unable to confirm this for you. This bunk bed is not for you, how about a nice hammock.
Q: Hi. Another monster query. Is the monster pic for illustrative purposes only and can you guarantee the monster will only scare my kids (after finding out there’s no Father Christmas or Tooth Fairy they’re inclined to think I lie to them frequently) and not steal my chocolate Hobnobs or Maryland Choc chip cookies? Also do your parents have a wardrobe complete with monster they’re prepared to sell/give away? Many thanks, Trix 🙂 26-Jul-11
A: You cheeky swine, that’s a picture of my grandmother! I hope your kids are cookie shaped!
Q: You have made my day, thanks for the laugh!! 26-Jul-11
A: You made mine too, now we are equal and not a burning bra in sight!
Q: Would the bunk beds fit into a mint green ford focus? 26-Jul-11
A: Only if said Mint Green Ford Focus had been converted to a hearse, used for a long time then decommissioned and sold off at auction to a member of the public uninterested in funeral directing but on the look out for a really crappy set of bunk beds that would one by one pick off members of his/her family.
Q: I like to eat cheese on toast for supper but was told by my late mother that if I ate cheese before bed it would make my feet smell like mature cheddar and the mice would smell it and come and eat my toes while I slept. Do you think if I slept on the top bunk the mice would would be able to get up there and eat my feet? 26-Jul-11
A: Firstly, I think your late mother should be charged with crimes against humanity and sentenced to a life time of watching day time TV, for the love of god is it any wonder kids don’t want to go to bed! Personally I think its safe to say you can smash as much cheese in to your food hole as possible and zero mice will eat your feet off regardless of horizontal height.
Q: What colour is the monster? 26-Jul-11
A: Hello, the monster is the colour that most scare the living bejeeezus out of your child the most.

You really have to love eBay.. And they say never trust a woman scorned…..

For those who cant be bothered to click the link this is the description its a classic…

Mens Pop White Storm Watch

Seller information

Member ID boogieandcookie

If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can’t be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me – Oh how extravagant of her -“Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I’ll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve” By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that’s what I said she should be in the circus. “Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart”

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend’s body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus – LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS – As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.

Q: Hi Boogie, I trust your judgement and, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ? 22-Jul-11

A: Scratches chin, it really depends on if it is an Armstrong outboard motor bracket, I have found those tend to be the most resilient. Normally most useless cracks need be replaced, filling one almost always leads to additional expenditure later.

Q: Hi there boogie!! My mate just emailed me the link to your listing and I just had to message you my thanks! I have been feeling pretty crap today (no job, skint, blah blah..)and your writings (including the Q & A’s) had me roaring laughing! If you’re really out of work, you should most definately consider some form of comedic writing online/internet marketing/website referrals etc. for a living, as you have a great gift for it – I reckon you would rake it in!! All the best Stacy 22-Jul-11

A: Well thanks, I am sure that Top Gear, FHM, Men’s Health, Maxim, The Sun, The Times or Anglers Weekly will beat a path to my door should they feel that they are lacking a dark cynical wordsmith who can actually spell Lathe to swoop among them.

Q: Just an honest question about this watch as worn by offensively rich footballers. When you wore it did you have urges to throw yourself on the floor and scream ‘foul’ at all? And did you find yourself attracted to hugging lots of sweaty men? Your comments about your ex I consider to be ‘wartist’. You can get treatment for this – but why bother. 22-Jul-11

A: That is almost synchronicity – You know I did. I found myself feeling odd wearing the watch. I was compelled to spit in a very manly fashion and shout “man on” a lot. My friends thought this was normal, until I was compelled to purchase a Bentley GT and create a creative and brilliant nickname from a private number plate, you know like when you take the numbers and letters and make a word out of them.

Q: although you ended up with the hairdressers watch, i think steve should sell his quality watch and buy a better car with the proceeds, after dumping size uk-9 moley chops that is…. i presumed you both went on a date first, i understand that people dont check the size of each others feet on a date but if she is in proportion with the rest of her body she must have hands like jeff capes and an batty like rusty lee, well done for getting rid of her, although, by the sounds of it she wont be too bothered, she wasnt thinking of you when your ex boss was eating her. Good luck fella, im sure you will one day meet the woman of your dreams, mole free, normal feet an all tha caper 😉 22-Jul-11

A: Women NEVER show you their real feet on dates, everyone knows you have to do at least 3 dinners, 2 gifts, send her a poem, walk over hot coals, eat nails, join Cirque as human fire ball, play for a local small football club and appear in JLS before even thinking about going there.

Q: Hello there, I know this is a really random question but is this a real sale. I LOVE the description of it by the way 🙂 Thanks, Laura 22-Jul-11

A: Yes it is.

Q: I am Nigerian Prince hope for inherit USD45m, but need watch. Are you consider sending watch on approval? This is big opportunity – just need watch. 22-Jul-11

A: Oh Hello Nigerian. Sure where would you like me to send the watch, if you are short of food or any other resources such as live ammunition I might see if I have any in the shed for you.

Q: This watch will go down a storm….. when the cat got sucked into the lathe, I assume you were quick enough to turn on the coolant to stop any heat build up and damage those expensive tungsten tipped tools. have youe ever though about knuling a pidgeon on that thing you’d have to drop the speed to a low gear for this operation? 22-Jul-11

A: No that did not occur to me. Thank you.

Q: Could you get in touch with her just one more time and ask her if I can purchase the hairy eye wart so as to make a paper weight for my desk. Im willing to buy instead of Bid. 22-Jul-11

A: I will ask her but I know she is using some skin care products which are GAURANTEED to remove reduce or change the blemish after only 40 Bottles at £39.80 each used precisely at 0331hrs GMT for a period of no less than 1000 days.

Q: are you aware that your ad is now all over twitter and facebook? could you, perhaps, turn it into a play for radio 4? good luck with your sale and with finding a new, unblemished, girlfriend. 22-Jul-11

A: A play on Radio 4 – Let me think of a title – “What the F is that on your face” – starring Ronnie Corbet

Q: I will be moving to Essex soon as part of a “promotion” with my work. If I wear this watch will it make me more attractive to the lovely ladies of Essex? 22-Jul-11

A: Genius indeed it will, well spotted. Perhaps if you like you could also add a generous serving of St Tropez cream to your arm, this will create a better contrast, illustrating the white more prominently whilst drawing attention to your beautiful hard earned iron forearm flexor muscles. The combination of the white sports watch and brown muscular arm form is sure to establish both your sportiness and subsequent attractiveness to all females.

Q: Can you confirm that i won’t catch thrush from any part of that watch if i was to purchase it? 22-Jul-11

A: I can confirm the watch has been only on my thrush-less wrist twice. Besides those bullet shaped hero’s are for a myriad of pelvic support defects. Including stress urinary incontinence. ( well I wasn’t going to say anything )

Q: Why did you go out with an ugly girl? 22-Jul-11

A: She was not ugly with the patch I bought her.

Q: love the watch……… but what was you doing with a size 9 feet wearing sasquatch with a moley moley face!!!! sounds like you are better off out of it LOL. Hope you use the proceeds to buy the cat a fake tail and leg as she sounds like she wont let you down like the ex did!!!! 🙂 22-Jul-11

A: Well it wasn’t until we she first wore her oh-so-attractive-female-enhancing-gladiator-sandals that I first noticed the gargantuan nature of her feet. When I was first presented with them in these ingenious shoes we were on holiday. Children were pointing, some cried, by that time it was too late.

Q: I am a grey Ford Focus and while I understand your pain may I respectfully ask that you do not deflect your hurt on to innocent vehicles. I can not choose who drives me. I may lack va va voom but I have feelings. Please do not tar us all with the same primer brush. 22-Jul-11

A: Thank you for your email Grey. I have to say I am saddened to have caused you so much discomfort. Added to the looks of disgust confusion and dismay you must already endure about your daily drives, I feel this was rather unfair of me. I also noted that you chose to keep your complaint neutral rather like your finish. Neutral. Neither here, nor there. Just Neutral so I appreciate that.

Q: I’ve searched through ebay and can’t find and Laithe Cat screens for sale. Perhaps you should pursue this market as a new career now that you are in need of a job. I would suggest something in clear perspex with matching on button shield. 22-Jul-11

A: If only I had a Lathe cat screen, mine and many millions of other animals would not be hurt in such a horrific way. I’ll call the Red Cross.

Q: Dude I don’t live in Swindon but I feel I should leave the comfort of Wales to buy you a beer just as soon as I can because you have made my day. I’m sorry for your strife. Good luck finding new job, with the lack of skilled machinists these days I’m sure you shouldn’t have too much trouble. 22-Jul-11

A: That is very kind of you thank you for your Welsh comfort. Will you be charging me a toll for that?

Q: I think you should give Steve a break, i’ve heard hairy, big footed slappers are very hard to resist? 22-Jul-11

A: Ha. You are quite right. It is never the mans fault in these cases. Women have special venom pheromones that blind their prey from rational thought rather like a spider.

Q: Hi, because the watch does not have a box can you put it in with the pessaries and send those as well? 22-Jul-11

A: I can arrange that yes. Good Question. This would be particularly cunning for Customs and Excise as I am not sure there is import tax for “soothing genital medication”.

Q: Hi … the watch sounds great, one question, were you wearing it when you punched Steve? How much for postage to Australia? We cant have you and Judy starving. 22-Jul-11

A: If it goes to Australia it might not work, because in Australia time goes backwards, things are upside down and there are Dingos that steal babies, and watches on every street corner. But I would assume £10 which is approximately 81,000 of your Australian Dollars.

Q: You are probably the best person around. Never read anything remotely funny on ebay before. Don’t ever change and I’m SURE you will do much better than whats-her-face. The watch is kinda ugly ps…as a woman I would advise you to never wear anything completely white – horrible. You rock! xo -Bonnie 22-Jul-11

A: Thanks Bonnie. It’s ok I will join Bachelorplace or Adultfreakfinder or something I will be fine, cause apparently they have tons of real girls in my town waiting for me, tonight, in my town, tonight, for me – tonight in my town. PS – Its not that UGLY – white watches are actually in for men. I saw a football player wearing one.

Q: Hey, Whats your Ex’s name and number?? ;P 22-Jul-11

A: Her name is “Lumpy faced prostitute” and you will find her telephone number now duly posted in every phone box in W1.

Q: I like the look of the watch but I’m worried your skanky wart face mole ex may have hexed this watch. To your knowledge is she a practicing evil witch or was she a witch in a past life?? 22-Jul-11

A: Interesting view point. I did note that sometimes she would sit in a dark room looking at the watch rocking back and forth but I thought this was normal for someone with mental disturbance.

Q: Let’s face it, I have to hand it to you for answering these questions time and time again. This is the second time I’ve told you to stop you continue to tick me off by going in to minute detail. I’m sorry, I’m only winding you up. Note: This post may contain time related puns. Some of which are the worst puns of all time. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes but you forgot to watch the item.

Q: Sorry about your girlfriend dude.. I hope you find a new/better one. Don’t take her back or else the problems will be worse! 22-Jul-11

A: It is funny you say that. Mine was trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. She has mastered the: “What do you mean who am I talking to on Skype at 3am, its my friend Julie, don’t be so paranoid, god men are so paranoid, I will leave you if you are paranoid, you are so possessive, I hate possessive men who don’t approve of me flirting with everyone but saying I am not”

Q: Is there a matching white suit to go with this? If so, how much for the whole package. Also, you girlfriend came home late last night, was she with you by chance? Just trying to get my facts straight… Also will you ship to Thailand? 22-Jul-11

A: Oh no. I don’t think she wants to go back from Thailand – she promised to love me long time should I agree to pay for everything.

Q: Evening! I just happened across this auction, from a little (big) site known as Reddit: I’m afraid I agree with you about the style so I shan’t be bidding, but I can buy you a damn beer coz I see you’re in Swindon… as am I! Promise I’m nothing to do with this Steve bloke though…as a rule I avoid Focus drivers. Good luck with the auction mate. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes there is something distinctly ordinary about a Focus in grey. It is neither Silver nor white, it is just grey. “Hi, do you like my car?” “Yes what colour is it?” “It’s primer” “Brilliant cleaning that must be a joy”

Q: I’m very sorry about your cat. Hug her for me. 22-Jul-11

A: Ah, that’s a shame but she is cat who is trained in Krav Maga. Sadly the postman lost an eye from hugging her once.

Q: Sorry about your girl and your boss. I will bid for this watch then burn it and bury the remains on a sunny beach in california. I hope your cat will enjoy some food. 22-Jul-11

A: Interesting idea. Is this beach patrolled often by police, as I rather have another item I was planning to bury there.

Q: How exactly does a cat get into a lathe accident? Oh, and nice watch… 22-Jul-11

A: Well as it happens I enjoy some social woodturning, metalworking, metalspinning and glassworking, it helps me relax. There is nothing quite like milling, grinding and fashioning a peice of metal from one shape, to a slightly different one. The transformation is quite rewarding. One day. I was shaping a piece of scrap metal from the tip into a beautiful swan on my new lathe. My cat had not seen the lathe before and whilst I was on a break she began to rub herself on the machine. I watched as I found this was quite endearing, but she accidentally switched it on with her paw.

Q: I felt like you should know that. Steve sounds like an asshole. 22-Jul-11

A: Thank you. I tore him a new one.

Q: hi great story can you add pics of both steve and ugly ex girlfriend thanks that would help in making a purchase 22-Jul-11

A: Steve is rather sadly bludgeoned quite badly and as a result images of him – are about to be uploaded, images of my fat thigh Evans clothes wearing big tall Sally however are likely to disturb small children and dogs.

Q: Hi there, are you boogie or cookie 🙂 22-Jul-11

A: Well actually I am boogie its a pet name. Cookie was the pet name for my ex girlfriend. I am called Boogie as I like to dance, she is called Cookie as the she has a cookie sized giant freckle on her right bosom.

Q: Are there any pictures of the original purchaser available? Purely for research purposes you understand. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes as a matter of fact there are – we once did some close up shots of her EYE MOUND for Dr Pakindoedoe – He wanted them to show his medical dermatological students how incredibly ugly it can be to be afflicted in this way he then passed them to be displayed in section 3C of the Natural History Museum in London, next to the lava beetles.

Q: Is the laithe for sale? 22-Jul-11

A: Hahahhahahahahahah

Q: The watch seems to have an honest face, however the original purchaser seems to be two faced – can you guarantee that he watch isn’t lying when it tells the time. Oh sorry to hear about your job. And the cat. 22-Jul-11

A: As the watch is male, I can confirm that it is not a lying female watch that will end up in your bed with someone else the moment you take it off your wrist.

And The Summer Holidays are here at last…

To my child who likes to argue with me:

Where do you think you got your ATTITUDE from??????

Give it Up, I have DECADES more experience than you!!!!

You See I win!!

You my Sunshine are in Bed and I am up……..


Is it me or has this been a very long 6 or 7 weeks of Term,  Last term was all bank holidays, school closed for voting, of course the Royal wedding and then the long Easter holiday..

This Term the kids and I think mums alike are just burnt out…

We all need a break,

I swear between Attitude Boy Alex and Ali well just being Ali today I could burst into tears.

Ali has been on a mission since he came home from school, breaking things in his path, The usual growling when he cant get his own way.. This afternoon  Allan was out the front fixing the Landrover and the little toe rag was running up the road so I had to get him in and hold him back, while Im doing so he is scratching at me, trying to pinch me,  shouting and struggling, Alex is being a pain and winding him up and Im just sitting there thinking roll on Bedtime…….

he pushes his luck to far when Allan finally finishes changing the landrover fan belt and other bits and Allan sends him to bed… I go up there to tuck him in and stop him kicking the bedroom door down, we have a cuddle and then with the promise from me to make a yellow jelly he has gone to sleep..

Next is Alex… Attitude boy… Lets just say I cant ask where he gets it from as I know only to well, between me and his dad the child has no chance……….

But despite the arguments of no school tomorrow, and I want to watch what ever it is on TV.. I won the battle.. He went to bed………..

I love having my kids home for the summer holidays… I love not having to get them up and  make sure I have everything for packed lunches, and not having to worry about the uniform being clean and making sure everything is ok and shoes sorted, homework done, doing the school run,. you know the usual routine..

BUT!! the way Ali is at the moment I dont know if I will cope with having him off school for 6 weeks, having him 24/7

I have never had a child like this before……….. I really dont know if I am going to get through this in one mental piece…

I saw this today and I thought how true it is….


As the kids break up today and say their goodbyes to the teachers and their friends, I thought I might say a few goodbyes of my own today..

Firstly to my peace and quite, I will truly miss you..

To the remote control, we have been good friends I know but, for a while we must part..

To the food in the fridge, goodbye…*sniff*,

To my tidyish house, please don’t be sad. I promise that, come September I will come and find you…

To my dog.. yes they will be home until September but I promise you can sleep sound when they go to bed….

Lastly, to my sanity….

Goodbye my old friend, until we meet again xxx

Its Official Ali is well Ali still but now classed as being on the Autistic spectrum!!

We got the letter thorough the other day.. Ali has been statemented now, He is on the lower end of the Autistic spectrum, with Aspergers however he is being refereed again because of high suspicion of dyspraxia as well, We have the appointment in the summer holidays and they said everything will be sent to the school for September… I have been assured by the school that it wont effect his place at the school… And he will get any help he needs… (Although I am not entirely convinced about this as I can’t actually see what help they can offer… how do you get a child to join in team or role play when he wont even speak to the other kids…..) Although he did have his hill friends…..  Not that he spoke to them he just ran around the hill by the playground with them while we waited for Alex to come out of his class but even that has come to an end now as he has been moved into the year one class now and they no longer get out ten mins early, So we now know what class room he will be in, The wait now is what teacher he will have…. No doubt we will find out when the report cards are sent out.

I have a feeling this is the start of a long road… but at least I now know why my son is so obnoxious at times.. and why he hates kids.. toys and everything has to be done a certain way…

it’s that Smedley sperm again lol

We Miss you Jakesy

Jamie Paul Catchlove (Jakesy)

Passed away peacefully on Friday 17th July 2009

2 Years ago today we all lost a very special and dear friend, Never forgotten and always in our Heart. We miss you more and more each and every day.

R.I.P Jakesy.

Two years have passed and still not a day goes by that we dont look over to your house and miss seeing you there.

We miss you popping over for a chat and the odd portion of “Real Chip”

You were one in a million, We will always miss you.

You’ll never walk alone


Memory was something you lost with age……

An application was for employment….

A program was a TV show…. A cursor used profanity…

A keyboard was a piano…

A web was a spider’s home…

A virus was the flu….

A hard drive was a long trip on the road…..

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived..

And if you had a 3 inch floppy… you just hoped nobody found out. 🙂