Oh yes eBay Again has another Classic…


My Dad’s Bunk Beds

I am posting this for my Dad, it’s not that he doesn’t have a laptop or that he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just much easier to call your son and ask him to do things for you.

They (Mother and Father) are wishing to give away a set of bunk beds, they are generally quite kind like that. Of late my grandmother has been staying with them every other weekend and it seems the choice of ‘top or bottom’ is too much for her to handle and so they are buying a new bed for her.

This is great for my grandmother but it sucks like an industrial vacuum cleaner for me since it now means only one of my children can stay over at any given time. That loud bang you just heard was my social life clattering to the floor like a deer who stared too long at the headlights.

It is because of this that I have decided not to list the beds on a free to good home site and instead sell them and keep all of the money for myself. I will of course be telling my father that I gave these away for free.

If you would like these bunk beds (I hope you don’t) they are available for collection from the Tollesby area of Middlesbrough, it’s quite affluent around there so please address my father as sir and curtsey for my mother, if my sister is there you can poke her in the face for all I care since she has done nothing to change their minds about getting rid of the beds.

The bed/s are of a metal construction finished in boring silver, quite honestly though they are a death trap and will almost certainly break apart and severely injure the first person to sleep in them.

The picture above is an illustration only, I really can’t be bothered going to his house to take a picture of bunk beds, if you don’t know what bunk beds look like then imagine taking one bed and putting it on top of another, then imagine the top one falling down and crushing the person below. 

For the uneducated, bunk beds are a bit like a double decker bus with no wheels, useless and only good for homeless people and pigeons. Sleeping in them is dangerous and the arguments over who gets the top bunk are inevitable. One such argument with my friend Russ aged 8 at the time led to him having a bruised back and facial laceration, and then I got vertigo and wanted the bottom one anyway.

So far as I know, the beds have never been used in a sexy fashion nor have they been used to hunt for ostrich. It’s possible though that my Dad once built a den underneath and pretended to be Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity, he won’t admit to this so don’t mention it.

The beds are in good condition but will make your house look really stupid and your friends will stop visiting. You will become lonely and very sad and in a desperate attempt to drag yourself out of depression may even begin watching Homes under the Hammer presented by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander, little will you know that this will push you deeper in to the depths of loneliness and insanity. But at least you have the bunk beds, right!

Due to the size of the bunk bed you will most likely require a Russian built Antonov An-225 aircraft in which to collect it, a picture of which I have included. Sadly my father’s house lacks the appropriate equipment to refuel you for your return flight. It doesn’t have a runway either which makes the previous sentence somewhat worthless but I had an itching desire to type the word ‘refuel’. If you have a Ford Escort Estate or similar you might still be in with a chance but I doubt it. 

My Dad will most likely dismantle the beds for you or more likely will call me to come and do it for him. I will certainly and intentionally lose at least 7 vital components rendering the beds utterly unsafe for human use, they will in fact be so dangerous that even the scrap man will think twice about taking them from you, and let’s face it, those scavengers would take bird flu infected land mines off you.

As with all good beds there is a monster underneath it, this is guaranteed to keep your children petrified and the mattresses forever soaked in urine. It goes without saying that the monster will also provide you with endless sleepless nights and a larger electricity bill owing to the fact that their bedroom light must remain on FOREVER!!!!! I will be pleased to inform your children of the monster when they come with you to collect the bed.

Anyhow, if you want them you can have them, just bid but remember if Dad asks they were free. (Look in to my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, you are in a safe place, listen to my voice YOU DON’T WANT THEM you are now a chicken, chickens don’t sleep in bunk beds. And awake.)

If you bid on these bunk beds then this child will have to sleep in a box in Evil Dad’s/Evil Grandad’s garage covered only in old newspapers and a tiny bit of left over carpet from the stairs

Oh yeah, this is a bit unconfirmed but I heard a rumour that the bed frame is made from recycled and unexploded hand grenades. If you are one of those people that wants to die in their sleep then take your chances with these ex-military (unconfirmed) Weapons of Mattress Destruction.

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: I have placed a bid on this item, however i was wondering if there may be the opportunity to ‘buy it now’- are you willing to settle a final price for the furniture now? Thanks, Henry 26-Jul-11
A: You steal my child’s bed and then have the audacity to want it sooner. I like your style. No.
Q: Will your mother be upset if I curtsey to your father and call her Sir? 26-Jul-11
A: Probably. Go for it.
Q: Hi, would you consider a swap for an old air bed. It only has one small puncture and providing you don’t sleep in late will stay sufficiently inflated to avoid contact with the floor. No monsters included 26-Jul-11
A: I laugh in the face of your offer. Hmm Hmm coff engage French accent…Herrr herrrr herrr ha.
Q: So, why no answer to your Grandma’s stash of obsolete £20 notes.Visiting Dad to have a quick check??? Did the said Grandparent have a monster experience? 26-Jul-11
A: In an effort to look thoroughly awesome and stinking rich I took them to a posh night club and smoked them one by one until I pulled.
Q: Will you ship to the US? I have an adolescent son very interested in these beds owing to the monster under it. He wonders if your monster speaks English… American English, not the good kind, will it tolerate teen boy funk(odor), and do we need to pay extra to ship the monster. Also, can it be shipped with the beds or do we need to purchase a seat on a flight? Warn your monster about the TSA in the United States…they are fond of groping. We don’t want the monster to arrive traumatized. Thank you! 26-Jul-11
A: Apparently I can no longer be trusted with international mailing, pffft one alarm clock, a roll of sausages, a bundle of wires and an xray machine gets everyones knickers in a twist.
Q: In case you do sell the aforementioned bunk beds and the samll child has to sleep in the box in the garage you may be interested in a large amount of spare carpet with we have in our loft and in addition to the carpet there are also rolls of wallpaper should you want to spruce up the box 26-Jul-11
A: Would be easier if I just sent you the child, you sound equipped to handle things.
Q: http://www.reddit.com/r/reddit.com/comments/j03wm/why_you_should_not_ask_your_son_to_do_a_job_he/ you have a funny family sir. 26-Jul-11
A: You know too much, your brain will be wiped whilst you sleep.
Q: Is that monster the type that steals ones dreams by placing the tip of his scaly fingers in the waxy orifice of children’s ears? If so, can you confirm that the top bunk is sufficiently far from the monster to avoid this issue, or does my friend Gerry have to sleep on the bottom bunk to act as some sort of sacraficial ear? Very Best Regards, Duncan 26-Jul-11
A: I regret to inform you that the monster hotline is now closed. If your question is urgent or if you are currently experiencing a monster attack, press 1 now for our out of hours team. Alternatively please repost your question between the hours of 8am-4pm.
Q: Do you accept barter? I can claim the highest vocal pitch of any male chorister in the UK post 1971 and would be willing to teach you how you can sing at similarly high pitches. Alternatively, I could pay in debased currency (Roman or French) 26-Jul-11
A: I had a similar experience with man skin and a jeans fly zipper once. I need no help or reminders of that day thank you.
Q: How many asylum seekers would I be able to accommodate on here? And, as it was previously used by your Grandmother, approximately how many out of circulation £20 notes are stashed in the mattresses? 26-Jul-11
A: An asylum seeker has more redeeming features than this bed. I have my suspicions that this bed made it across the UK border and has been claiming disability living allowance for 7 years whilst owning and working in a pizza shop.
Q: Hi, would it be possible for you to delivery to a small island in the Pacific? I will of course re emburse [up to £1] the cost. Also are the bunk beds suitable for bunking up to 6 adults? they look quite strong. Regards, Phil 26-Jul-11
A: I asked Michael what he thought about your question and he said “Grrrrreerrreeerrrr” you have been warned!
Q: Hello, can you please confirm if the bunk bed meets both BS EN 747-1:1993 and BS EN 13453-1:2004 standards? I would class myself as an “Extreme” bunk bed user and as such, I need to know I can depend on the bed, especially when performing high speed stunts as well as those involving fire and dogs. Can you finally advise if the bed is supplied with slippers and if so, is it 2 pairs? Kindest Regards Andy 26-Jul-11
A: Since my subscription to ‘Bedroom Furniture Standards Monthly’ ran out recently I am unable to confirm this for you. This bunk bed is not for you, how about a nice hammock.
Q: Hi. Another monster query. Is the monster pic for illustrative purposes only and can you guarantee the monster will only scare my kids (after finding out there’s no Father Christmas or Tooth Fairy they’re inclined to think I lie to them frequently) and not steal my chocolate Hobnobs or Maryland Choc chip cookies? Also do your parents have a wardrobe complete with monster they’re prepared to sell/give away? Many thanks, Trix 🙂 26-Jul-11
A: You cheeky swine, that’s a picture of my grandmother! I hope your kids are cookie shaped!
Q: You have made my day, thanks for the laugh!! 26-Jul-11
A: You made mine too, now we are equal and not a burning bra in sight!
Q: Would the bunk beds fit into a mint green ford focus? 26-Jul-11
A: Only if said Mint Green Ford Focus had been converted to a hearse, used for a long time then decommissioned and sold off at auction to a member of the public uninterested in funeral directing but on the look out for a really crappy set of bunk beds that would one by one pick off members of his/her family.
Q: I like to eat cheese on toast for supper but was told by my late mother that if I ate cheese before bed it would make my feet smell like mature cheddar and the mice would smell it and come and eat my toes while I slept. Do you think if I slept on the top bunk the mice would would be able to get up there and eat my feet? 26-Jul-11
A: Firstly, I think your late mother should be charged with crimes against humanity and sentenced to a life time of watching day time TV, for the love of god is it any wonder kids don’t want to go to bed! Personally I think its safe to say you can smash as much cheese in to your food hole as possible and zero mice will eat your feet off regardless of horizontal height.
Q: What colour is the monster? 26-Jul-11
A: Hello, the monster is the colour that most scare the living bejeeezus out of your child the most.

2 thoughts on “Oh yes eBay Again has another Classic…

  1. Pingback: Put a SMILE on your face: My Dad’s Bunk Beds | cheekylittleanimalsandme

  2. Pingback: Ebay Classic | TagHall

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