My Dad’s Bunk Beds
I am posting this for my Dad, it’s not that he doesn’t have a laptop or that he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just much easier to call your son and ask him to do things for you.
They (Mother and Father) are wishing to give away a set of bunk beds, they are generally quite kind like that. Of late my grandmother has been staying with them every other weekend and it seems the choice of ‘top or bottom’ is too much for her to handle and so they are buying a new bed for her.
This is great for my grandmother but it sucks like an industrial vacuum cleaner for me since it now means only one of my children can stay over at any given time. That loud bang you just heard was my social life clattering to the floor like a deer who stared too long at the headlights.
It is because of this that I have decided not to list the beds on a free to good home site and instead sell them and keep all of the money for myself. I will of course be telling my father that I gave these away for free.
If you would like these bunk beds (I hope you don’t) they are available for collection from the Tollesby area of Middlesbrough, it’s quite affluent around there so please address my father as sir and curtsey for my mother, if my sister is there you can poke her in the face for all I care since she has done nothing to change their minds about getting rid of the beds.
The bed/s are of a metal construction finished in boring silver, quite honestly though they are a death trap and will almost certainly break apart and severely injure the first person to sleep in them.
The picture above is an illustration only, I really can’t be bothered going to his house to take a picture of bunk beds, if you don’t know what bunk beds look like then imagine taking one bed and putting it on top of another, then imagine the top one falling down and crushing the person below.
For the uneducated, bunk beds are a bit like a double decker bus with no wheels, useless and only good for homeless people and pigeons. Sleeping in them is dangerous and the arguments over who gets the top bunk are inevitable. One such argument with my friend Russ aged 8 at the time led to him having a bruised back and facial laceration, and then I got vertigo and wanted the bottom one anyway.
So far as I know, the beds have never been used in a sexy fashion nor have they been used to hunt for ostrich. It’s possible though that my Dad once built a den underneath and pretended to be Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity, he won’t admit to this so don’t mention it.
The beds are in good condition but will make your house look really stupid and your friends will stop visiting. You will become lonely and very sad and in a desperate attempt to drag yourself out of depression may even begin watching Homes under the Hammer presented by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander, little will you know that this will push you deeper in to the depths of loneliness and insanity. But at least you have the bunk beds, right!
Due to the size of the bunk bed you will most likely require a Russian built Antonov An-225 aircraft in which to collect it, a picture of which I have included. Sadly my father’s house lacks the appropriate equipment to refuel you for your return flight. It doesn’t have a runway either which makes the previous sentence somewhat worthless but I had an itching desire to type the word ‘refuel’. If you have a Ford Escort Estate or similar you might still be in with a chance but I doubt it.
My Dad will most likely dismantle the beds for you or more likely will call me to come and do it for him. I will certainly and intentionally lose at least 7 vital components rendering the beds utterly unsafe for human use, they will in fact be so dangerous that even the scrap man will think twice about taking them from you, and let’s face it, those scavengers would take bird flu infected land mines off you.
As with all good beds there is a monster underneath it, this is guaranteed to keep your children petrified and the mattresses forever soaked in urine. It goes without saying that the monster will also provide you with endless sleepless nights and a larger electricity bill owing to the fact that their bedroom light must remain on FOREVER!!!!! I will be pleased to inform your children of the monster when they come with you to collect the bed.
Anyhow, if you want them you can have them, just bid but remember if Dad asks they were free. (Look in to my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, you are in a safe place, listen to my voice YOU DON’T WANT THEM you are now a chicken, chickens don’t sleep in bunk beds. And awake.)
If you bid on these bunk beds then this child will have to sleep in a box in Evil Dad’s/Evil Grandad’s garage covered only in old newspapers and a tiny bit of left over carpet from the stairs