I hate this time of year!!

It’s come up again, the dreaded time of the year
Time flies by and life goes on
My very special little boy my first born would of been 27 today ..

I often wonder what he would of turned out like, I see grown men in the street and wonder if he would of been like them, what he would be doing, What his hobbies would of been, If he would of still looked so like his father. He probably would of been married with children by now.

I don’t know why but it seems to still hit me hard every year,
You would think after all these years the pain would ease but I long for my little boy every day, I miss him and I’ll never forget him, times a great healer I’m told, well 27 years on and it’s still not healed completely I have learned how to cope, I’ve learned how to get on with life, I’ve learned how to get through each and every day without crying my heart out but I have shed a tear everyday for my lost son, I think of him every night, I dread bedtime when there is nothing to take my mind off him, I loathe sleep as that means starting another day he is gone. Yes I know life goes on and I have had 7 wonderful children since my angel left me, but that doesn’t mean I forget all about my first and special little man and I could never replace him.

It’s a feeling you can’t explain to anyone what it’s like, when people ask why your crying or down you can’t and don’t want to tell them why. Those close to you have no idea what you’re feeling or why.

I don’t even tell people in my real life what day it is. my ex husband, His Brothers and Sisters, grandparents  don’t even know he existed even his father didn’t.
I ran away I hid from life. I wasn’t ashamed of my darling baby I just didn’t want to lose it. I know that some would have made it so hard for me to keep him who wouldn’t have wanted me to have him so I figured we were better off on our own. If they didn’t know about it then they couldn’t take it away from me I would have my own child with an unconditional love someone I knew that would love me back as much as I loved them. I loved my baby from the second I found out I was pregnant my love grew as my baby grew. It’s so hard to explain the feeling you have as you can feel that life inside you, a life you made, an achievement. There was no way I was going to risk losing my baby.

I know my parents would have wanted me to terminate and no doubt everyone else concerned would have felt the same way as well. I was on my own and I knew it.
I had it all planned to show him/her off once he or she was born I would explain then. They would have loved him then once they saw him I know it. He was so beautiful so perfect. So much like his father it wasn’t true. My secret could have come out then
People don’t remember anniversaries like this or want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about things like this,
They prefer to think he never existed, don’t care or don’t know he existed.
Well he did and there will always be one person that will never forget him and that’s me.
I could never forget my son no matter how many years go by even if I live to be a hundred years old
The pain and heartache is just as hard to live with now as it ever was. You can put on a brave face, have a laugh, most people will never know what secret your hiding, what happened in the past. It’s a heartache you can keep to yourself most days but when it’s my little man’s birthday,

The Anniversary of the day that I gave birth and lost my son all at the same time. I can’t put on a brave face. I can’t carry on as if it never happened. Its days like today that I can’t cope and I can’t hide the tears.
But I have to pretend I’m ok, I can’t explain how I’m feeling, I don’t want to have to talk about it because then they will see the tears that I spend my whole life trying to hide
Then I will be vulnerable. I can’t be like that. I can’t talk about it I can’t put it in to words so I have to write it down.

What makes matters worse is his death could of been avoided. he had been 60 hours from being saved and his little life was worth only £2000 how the hell can anyone put a price on a childs life.
I held my little man and then I had to plan a funeral all on my own.
No parent should ever have to do that. No parent should ever have to wonder what their child would of grown up like.

Michael I know there was no-one else to love you but I did with all my heart, there is always a most special place for you in my life and heart and my soul and that is all you will ever need
If you’re looking down my sleeping angel you’ll always be loved and missed and one day we will be together again, I promise you that I love you so much
RIP My Darling Michael Andrew until we are together for always

I saw this written once and thought how true …

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one I long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though my arms are empty,
And I know not what to do.
Every beating of my heart
Says that I love you.