Christmas…………. Yes I said it outloud… I’m thinking Christmas Already!

No Seriously We are nearing the end of September and I’m starting to plan Christmas already.
Yes don’t laugh I know I’m the queen of procrastination but when it comes to Christmas, Easter and Halloween I seem to get organised early so I can sit back relax and watch everyone else panic… its great!! 

Well Decorations that is….

Mary has said she has a black tree in her loft that she don’t want any more so I’m thinking I rather like that idea…

This year I fancy a change..
The trouble is a black Christmas tree presents the equally unusual dilemma of how to decorate it.

To disprove the notion that you’ve gone completely off your rocker, I have never been a coloured lights fan but I’m now wondering if I go coloured lights and bright colours and go really garish or do I go slightly sophisticated… (If that’s all all possible when we are talking Christmas decorations ) and go for the Silver and white look.

 

Of course it will mean that I will have to buy all new decorations as I’ve not done the silver and white theme before at Christmas I’ve always stuck to the cream and gold but that is what I’m trying to get away from. I am not a decorations snob… I am more than happy to go to the 99p shops and £ shops to pick up the baubles etc.. ceiling dangly things, maybe even some tinsel this year , Even Asda’s and places like that do some great ones…

It’s like the front room window I would love to get the icicle type Christmas lights for the window so do I go white or blue? you see this is why these things need to be planned in advance…

I need to start picking bits up… Allan may be pleased because it would mean that he wont have to get any of the erm hundreds of decorations out of the loft lol  ( yes I have all sorts of colour themes up there) actually its just reminded me I do have some silver bits from when I had a purple and silver bauble decorated tree in my huge kitchen when I was in Faversham.

But sod it if I start picking up bits now I wont need the stuff out the loft… I’m not bothering with the wall 4ft half a tree this year as I don’t want to move the furniture..  I think I may even pick up new tree lights when I decide what I want…  Seriously its so much easier than trying to get stuff out of the loft…… The problem of being a christmas decoration hoarder is that we have boxes upon boxes of decorations up in the loft and I hate sorting through them all.  I did have a really good sort out a couple of years ago and got rid of the tat I would never use again lol
I think it will just be the tree in the corner a few bits on the shelf below the tv and of course ceiling bits

There you see that’s Christmas decorations planned already… Of course that all depends on my getting the black tree….  But then Last year I did see some funky red ones for sale in Wilkinsons …..

Right what does that leave to plan now….
I guess it all depends on how many we have for Christmas dinner…  The more the merrier usually:

Baking.
Well this year I’m only making a cake… I’m not bothering with puddings at all, or the Christmas Kransekake, I will make the ginger bread house as the kids love it…

Mince Pies are a must of course… sherry trifle etc.  
Food:
Last year we had beef, pork and turkey and the turkey went first so this year I think I will just get a small 9lb Turkey and a nice joint of Pork…
Usual Veg and roast pots , Boxing day will be the usual , leftovers and salad lol
Crackers I have up in my bedroom… Seriously I have two packs that I bought last year for the summer Christmas meal that was planned that never happened for Boo and in the end we never used them. I have wrapping paper upstairs as I got loads of rolls for 5p each at Asda’s lol yes I’m cheap when it comes to stuff like that… honestly why pay fortunes when its only going to be ripped off anyway.

Presents
Well I already have a present list in mind but that’s all I’m willing to say at the moment although yes again I’m prepared as I already have picked up some bits.
Allan’s main present is membership to Arsenal Football Club He’s wanted to be a full member for years…….  And its already taken care of..
Boys I have promised myself I am not going to go mad this year… Ali doesn’t do toys in fact he doesn’t do presents. I think he gets overwhelmed by the whole Christmas affair but he does do Tech so I’m thinking along those lines for the boys and maybe a personal dvd player each for in the car.. ive seen some cool ones that you can even run from usb flash drive or sd cards as well as dvd disc’s   great for car journeys, plus a couple of games they like.. and little stocking fillers I may think of along the way.
I’ve picked up some bits for Amber already and She keeps saying she wants a new laptop and has seen a nice red one she likes for £699… well one things for sure finances will not stretch that far but Im sure we will be able to sort something out for her.
Then there are the miscellaneous presents such as secret santa and a few other people I want to buy for… Sorry folks but due to lack of finances again these will be cheap and cheerful! but there will be a lot of thought put into them. I am keeping these kind of gifts to the under a Tenner price bracket.. well secret santa is £10 with postage.

So that’s Christmas just about organised.

Now that’s planned the next thing to plan which is before Christmas anyway is Halloween………..  Oh and Alex’s Birthday on the 21st of December… Now that is the hard one…………….

 

 

 

 

 

Domestic havoc

Looking around this house and it’s messy…..again.

The party of summer is over, and the groove of school is upon us. we are in the the third week back now…

Anyways  My house is a mess.  A time-consuming, fixable mess that I resent having to clean.
Everywhere I look I see visual chaos – stacks of books on the landing, clothes that need to be folded and put away upstairs now I have brought them in from the washing line.
I have said it before but I fear that I am one pile away from being a guest star on Hoarders.
You may say I am slightly exaggerating . It really isn’t that bad but to me It is.

I spent hours cleaning, folding washing and feeling organised on the weekend only to turn around and find it messy again. 

In fact yesterday I cleaned up again, but you wouldn’t know it today. There’s popcorn, paper, clothes and towels all over the floor and dishes to be done (I just loaded the dishwasher last night, how did they all get dirty again?).

I have bed wetting washing to do….Again (when will that ever end I have had all these kids and not one was a bed wetter until I had Ali, ). I have been told its a possibility because he is autistic… I know its not every night in fact its only once every couple of weeks, just when we think we have cracked it.. we get the accident, 😦

I really don’t want to do any of it and am feeling quite overwhelmed by the constant chores that seem to invade my life. I have Allan at home with me at the moment and yes he helps but not much… he will do an odd DIY job for me and then make twice as much mess as there was before, he never puts anything away… he will start big jobs like sorting all he books out on the shelves in our room… stack 100’s up on the landing to go into the loft and that’s as far as its got. Having a teenager girl… Well 20 next march is not much help either as she just makes more mess, I have never known anyone trash a bathroom like she can when she has a shower… she used soap… I mean WTF.. who uses soap nowadays?? we all use shower gel or bath cream but not her she uses soap and its always covered in hair. EWWWEEE!

I know how my parents felt now as she gets up, showers, goes out… (I used to work but she just goes out with friends and boyfriend) she comes in late at night and I’m talking 2 or 3 am and has her dinner.. I leave he’s in the microwave so at least I know she has eaten something. an old saying was brought to my attention the other day by a friend… “you treat this place like a hotel” I am now holding back from saying it as I remember my mother saying that to me.

Oh And then there is the washing just put by the machine for it to magically be done for her ready to wear next time. I can feel the annoyance kicking in and these feelings simmer within me as I attempt to clean and clear up and am continually met by extra demands of the boys, the man, the step daughter. I am desperately trying to stay calm and not take my annoyance out on the kids honest, but I feel my attempts becoming very strained. This anger and annoyance is sitting in my throat, just waiting to escape by way of yelling, slamming something down, or simply falling apart momentarily.

I’m hormonal after a fact in that I am nearly 50 but still not gone completely through the change.. (that’s not helping), I’m annoyed, I couldn’t be bothered and all I want to do is sit down with a cup of tea and watch a dvd or go on the pc and go on facebook,  in the comfort of a nice clean house and no interruptions. In an ideal world we would win the lottery and I would have “Staff” clear up after everyone So what do I do? Firstly, stop. Right now, stop in my tracks, take a few deep breaths and reflect on what I’ve been thinking. Look at this opening paragraph. It is full of conversation that is in conflict with the reality of what is presently going on and the reality of life as a parent. It is this resistance of reality that is causing my stress and the simmering emotion of anger. Anger is caused because we enter into these conversations in our minds about how something shouldn’t be the way that it is. We are in conflict between what is and what we believe it ‘should’ be. The house is messy right now! This is reality. As part of the agreement made between me and my partner when he was in full time employment, and how we share the workload, I am responsible for the upkeep of the house, him the garden and the DIY jobs,

This is reality. The kids need me to help them with things. This is reality. As a mum there is lots of tasks that I need to do. This is reality. This is not the only part of my life. It is just parts of the goods and bads that come with everything in life. That is also reality. There is no point allowing myself to enter into conversations in my mind about how it should be different to the way that it is and how I don’t want to do it, because this is only going to cause me to feel angry and resentful. Do I really want to feel angry or resentful? Do I enjoy having these feeling? Of course not I love my boys more than anything in the world. So if the reality is that you have to do the housework and are regularly interrupted, how are you going to stop feeling angry or resentful? Change the way I think about it.

The first thing I need to do when I start to notice how bad I feel, is to shift my focus from what isn’t happening, to the reality of the situation, and then on to what I’m going to do about this new reality. So how can I look at this situation differently? What are the good aspects to my life that I can focus on? I get to be a stay at home mum. I have a partner who doesn’t care about a bit of mess here and there and doesn’t pressure me to keep it pristine clean. I have two healthy, happy boys. I am grateful that I even have so many things that it can make a house messy. I have a roof over my head. There was a time when I had the clothes I stood up in and nothing else.. I had lost the lot. This is good.

I can feel that heavy feeling in my body starting to lift. This part of my life is not the only part of my life. I went out the other day, I met up with friends for coffee, I had a bath the other night and relaxed, last night the kids were in bed early and I got to watch Master chef and the cupcake girls, sometimes my house is clean,

I always make sure I cook or provide a proper meal for the boys, that I am up to date with the washing so they wear clean clothes to school every day, I get quiet time 5 days a week when the kids are at school but then I have to go out, be it shopping or socialising. So what am I now going to do? Well because I changed my thinking to being back in alignment with reality and have consciously decided to look at the situation from a different more expanded perspective, I am now ready to tackle the reality of the messy house again.

Do I like it? No.

Am I going to all of a sudden love doing housework and chores? No. But I’m not feeling angry and overwhelmed by it. The house may be untidy at times, but then my boys are happy, we go out as a family, I get to see my friends, I don’t have to spend hours every day totally cleaning the house top to bottom because that is what is expected of me. I have stopped expecting it of myself. Yes it gets me down when the place looks like a bomb has hit it and no one does anything to the point where they would rather step over a book back or pair of shoes on the floor rather than pick it up.. ok in all fairness Allan does help out especially when I was ill. but then he is also guilty of making a lot of the mess.

Do I intend to spend my whole life picking up after them… NO… will I try to make time to tidy up when they are at school… Probably… Maybe……. It depends…

Now, time to stop writing and start cleaning! or I could just do something else!!  I’ll get to it later.


Why do people have to tell so many bloody lies???

Why do people have to tell so many bloody lies or come out with so much shite…

Do they really think we actually believe it? Do they believe it themselves?

 

To me its water off a ducks back I am so used to people talking shit I can spot it a mile off.

It’s like a built-in liedar  that I have now. Call it my super power!

Put it down to living with my ex who couldn’t tell the truth if a meteor fell out the sky and hit him he would say it was a bus

 

Those that say “Oh I’ve not talked to them in ages” when you know bloody well they only spoke to them in the morning

Or others who make up some elaborate story because if truth is known they simply can’t mange to live on their own so have given up and decided to move back in with family.

Really I do actually understand why you are doing this I just wish you would bloody admit it instead of all that crap about selling houses and then getting social housing flats… and then house exchanges or not as the case my be.. or maybe…

 

Then there are the ones who tell you they can’t reply to you because they don’t have access to that account, be it twitter or facebook when you know they do as you can see it right in front of your eyes…

I know your facebook account is there I can see it… I mention it once and oh look its been deactivated… well actually no it hasn’t been deactivated, you blocked me but what you forget is that I may have booked marked your profile and gone on general search and found it without being logged into my account or used Allan’s account … its simple you just say bollocks don’t want you on that friend list.. or I decided to not use it but leave it running… Why fucking lie about it… you see I don’t care if you are there or not… I care about being lied to..

 

But then I am not the only one who sees through your manipulative ways as well, you see your friends talk to me, They are finding it hard to understand why you come out with so much shit as well. They have worked out a long time ago what a liar you are!

Even your own husband knows what a Liar you are… why he puts up with it I have no idea!

 

Then you have the people you really don’t want in your life but someone else does… you know that person who upsets a close friend all the time because they lie to her… tell her they are not in contact with another person when not only do you know its an outright lie they do… The person I mention is someone who I actually blocked because I can’t stand the woman.. I mean I swear but this woman has the biggest potty mouth going and can upset half the town with her bollocks, but because a mutual friend of both potty mouth and my good friend keeps telling my friend (gets confusing don’t it.. try it from my point of view I have no idea what I’m doing half the time 😆 ) that she don’t have contact with potty mouth any more… so I unblock potty mouth and lo and behold I can see everyone comment on said mutual friends wall, and it just proves once again what a liar she is. And now the good friend is hurt… Personally I don’t give a toss about your lies but I do care that a friend is hurting…

tell the truth… there is no law that says you can’t have more that one friend… why lie…

 

Are you getting my drift here… I hate liars who lie to get themselves out of the shit or when they have been caught out… I hate people who exaggerate the truth, I hate people who make up bollocks because they have nothing better to talk about. I hate people who lie to make you feel sorry for them.

 

Tell the truth why don’t you… It wont hurt… who knows people may even like the real you!

 

These people I am going to start blocking from my life… I don’t need liars I can’t be doing with them. If you don’t have something interesting to say then shut up… Don’t make up a load of crud

there are some people in this world that would tell you its 100° outside when there is two foot of snow laying on the ground… Seriously do they think that everyone will believe them?

Do they believe it themselves?

 

The Lies and bollocks that I was told this morning really is the straw that broke the camels back…

I take no pleasure in proving you wrong and proving you are a liar…
I do it to make everyone else see what a freaking liar you are!!

Things can only get better… right?!

This has been kind of a rough week.  I have not been having the best of luck lately

Worst week of my life. & I feel like my blog is the only place I have to go to bitch about it I can set the odd pissed off status on facebook but at least here I get the chance to say how I really feel, Im not one for those dramatic woe is me status updates, In fact the one thing that annoys me more than anything else is the suicidal attention seeking updates you see on a regular basis on facebook.

I have one friend in particular who does this at least every couple of weeks, I even told him once if he is going to kill himself could he do it quietly as ive lost interest now… Then I hid him from my wall lol

anyway as this is a me me me post.. back to me:

I haven’t been this miserable in so long. All I’ve wanted to do all week is fall asleep & not wake up. not in the suicidal sense but in the I really cant face another shit day… I need some good days..

 

I really don’t understand what exactly the universe has against me this week, but damn. I could have honestly just lay in bed and waited for Monday, because this clearly wasn’t my week. Each day I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, but I’ve done that the past five days and it didn’t help at all.

Seriously. I can’t catch a fucking break.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to remain stubborn and keep my mess close to heart. Not to say a word to a soul, Because I’m losing that feeling in my gut that soothes my dismal existence.

Because I want to hold onto something familiar despite thorns and sharp teeth.

Because nothing feels right and everything feels wrong.Even these words. Cluttered. Ambiguous. Cold. Distant. Inarticulate. 

Because it’s an endless cycle that’s left me reeling, violently grappling for steady ground.I feel nauseated with the business of arranging letters and organizing stuff Such a tiring affair. I’m drained

and I fear it’s beyond rejuvenation

Askayridnfweoitpqwnqlwiryhodadjfpweotubnaifwuyevfclahsdiuerktkfjkoiyiujbdjwtyquevmcnbvgczfhjsfpoiuytebnasdmnjhkfdfssasidyensnbcviwtybzjalairuepoowdfbkjdbcdwe!!!!!

It’s the closest I can get to having a good scream!!!!

 

What has put me in this down side you are probably wondering… well its a catalogue of things really.

I’m getting so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life lately. Obviously having read my blog about my step daughter you can see that this is getting me down big time… Allan is great don’t get me wrong.. I cant fault him, he is backing me up 100%… He is on her case constantly now.. to the point where despite the fact that she is driving me mad I’m starting to feel sorry for her… WTF??!!

 

Last weekend I was talking to my soulmate we were having a really in-depth chat which always brings me “up” and then I don’t hear from him this week, yes I know he is probably busy but still a simple hi wouldn’t hurt… ok yes he hasn’t been on facebook at all so its not just me he is ignoring. but still its the start of things going downhill as im wondering if I have done or said something wrong!

Ali Not being well also drained me… staying up with him one night and since then lying in bed listening to him cough all night and that paranoid checking on him in the middle of the night is taking its toll.. I feel exhausted… I cant sleep… even silly things are keeping me awake…

Procrastination is my middle name but then I lie awake thinking I must get that form off to the electoral roll for amber living here… I must go and pay that library fine I owe for over due books… I must return the meter reading form for the electric… I must contact the water board over the last bill before we went onto the water meter as there is a discrepancy… I never seem to get round to remembering these things in the day time but at 4am… they are top of the list of things on my mind.

 

The biggest cock up I had this last week was I lost my purse on Friday… .. I went to the chip shop to be honest in a lousy mood because of amber and something she had done that had peeved me. I got back home and Allan was clearing up Ali and changing him as the antibiotics he was given for his chest have given him the runs… and im looking for clean pants and towels etc while trying to dish the chips up to go with the pies I had in the oven cooking…

Now usually I always keep my purse in my bag and take my bag but as it was only going to the chippie in the car i just put my phone and purse in my pocket… I went I got to the chip shop I ordered a large chips and paid….

I remember getting home to the drama… that’s it.

Saturday I was making spag bol and I said to Allan we may need some onions… I went to get my purse from the side where the car keys were and my phone had been the night before as that’s where I thought I had put it and its gone… Allan had bowls so we both looked before he left and while he was gone I looked… I even searched through the bin in case I put it on the cooker top and it had been thrown away with the rubbish..

 

The problem is I had every spare penny we had in it… I had the gas bill money along with the gas card… I had the membership cards for us all for the swallows leisure centre and I had the bank debit card and a credit card in it… plus some other bits that I cant remember at the moment… I have another purse I keep all the cards in and just put in the ones I use at the time in my little purse.. so at least I haven’t lost driving licences and national insurance card etc

But its a big piss off all the same… thankfully we do on-line banking and Allan has another account so with the exception of the cash in the bank for direct debits i transferred everything over to that card so I can at least draw some cash out should I need to..

the credit card was maxed so that’s safe…….

we contacted the bank and credit card and they are sending out replacements.

I will contact the leisure centre tomorrow…

plus I will go to the chip shop and see if I left it in there while I was sitting waiting.. I’m not holding my breath of anyone handing it in not with the cash in it …

 

cards can be sorted but the cash we cant replace and to be honest we are skint at the moment anyway. so not sure what im going to do this week.. I need to top my phone up soon and cant even do that now… which kinda pisses me off….

 

I have a headache which has lasted the last two days and i mean big headache… we went out today to the Dover transport museum and instead of enjoying looking around I just had that thumping and feeling sick.

 

The boys are in bed now ready for school tomorrow and I have just remembered neither of them has done their home learning so wont be able to hand that in either.

Im tired I want to go to bed but cant face it yet..

 

so yes I have had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week what ever way you want to describe it.

 

Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and if you can’t see anything that could go wrong then you’ve obviously overlooked something.  Well I don’t think Murphy overlooked anything in our house this week. 

Things can only get better… right?!

 

The words of that song go round and round in my head.

 

I’m trying to be optimistic and really hope things can only get better!!

 

 

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I was Never like that… Im sure I wasnt.. ever………….. Never…….

 
Of course I’m referring to my step daughter Amber, Not even technically my step daughter… I’m not sure where she falls when it comes to relationship, She is Allan’s step daughter from his first… (only) wives first marriage..
He took on Amber as his own when he married his wife at the time… although they were only living together a few years he carried on seeing amber along with his daughter with his wife Tamara , and here we are now… she has finally slip with her boyfriend that she lived with for a year and come to live with dad…….

the first few months she hardly went out but now… she is never in… ok she will be 20 next March but she is a very young 20 yr old.

When she first started going out Allan used to get hold of her to find out what time she would be in.. He has given up on it now…
The clothes she wears would make any prostitute jealous.. I’m not a prude by any means and yes I wore short skirts when I was that age… but Seriously I was never that bad..  And I knew how to sit… I mean seriously she can be on the sofa and sitting there legs wide apart with short shorts on and leaving nothing to the imagination… Wings on show is not a good look at certain times of the month… You should tell a 5 yr old to sit in a more lady like position you shouldn’t have to tell a nearly 20 yr old.

Anyways… As I was saying now she goes out in the morning and comes back in the morning.. usually making the dog bark when it’s about 3.30am… I always leave a meal for her in the microwave but she has been known to take some fish fingers or something round her friends house at the bottom of the road…

Yes I was young once but I did know how to compose myself… And If I came back covered in love bites even one on my neck I coped hell…. She came home covered in them and not just the neck… not a good look and very hard to explain to an 8 yr old when he is asking about them.  It actually got to the point where Allan has had to speak to her boyfriend about them… fair enough she doesn’t look like a complete tramp now but close…

we even have extra lodgers… she has been scratching her head and everywhere else stupid for the last few weeks, funny enough since she started hanging around with her friends and boyfriend up the road.

anyway a check the other day revealed head lice… well that would explain the mad itching… I have checked again and not found any more but Have still been out and bought the treatment… if for nothing else but peace of mind that if the boys get them I can now treat them straight away. 

I think the straw that broke the camels back was today… first of all I went to brush my hair… bearing in mind its very short so I know it’s not my hair in it… The brush was covered in black hair… Not mine..

The just after we had got the boys home, She came in… went to the first aid box and opened it and starting looking through it… “what you done”? says Allan… oh it’s not for me… it’s for Alfie down the road, I need a big plaster that will cover his elbow as he has hurt himself….   ok I am one of these people who likes to keep a well stocked first aid box… one of the things you learn when you have a big family. And it’s not that long really since Alex did his elbow and I like to keep some spare big dressings because he scar looks still quite fragile so to speak. I reckon one fall and it would open again and I want to be prepared and of course for any other accidents that may happen… 
Anyway as it goes there was two of the big ones we bought for Alex… ok they don’t break the bank but lets face it they are at least £2 each  and you have to go to a chemist… of course we all know accidents never happen at reasonable hours when everything is open… that’s just sods law.

If she had said first it wouldn’t have narked me so much its the fact that she just helped herself to them for someone else…    of course had she asked we would have said yes if there is enough there..
Anyway Allan gave her the dressing and off she went… and at the time of writing this 2am she still hasn’t been back in..

This Morning we couldn’t resist it when she came in last night about 3.45am we know it was after 3.30am because Vickie has been with us a few days on the sofa and she didn’t settle to sleep or at least try to until after half three.. 

My Facebook status this morning…

Karma is playing rock music FULL BLAST at 9am once the boys have gone to school, and getting your own back on a certain young lady who wakes us up when she comes in at about 3.30am in the morning 🙂

despite the fact that Allan has told her to tidy her room up as its was a tip and he couldn’t even get to the bed to put some bits away as it’s a storage bed… and made her tidy the bathroom as she usually leaves that a mess… yes this is me moaning the least house proud person going but come on.. pubes on soap is not a good thing in any house.. and none of us use soap..
I don’t know who to blame really,, the girl has no self-respect.. she will go off with anyone who pays her attention, she flirts like mad with all the lads…. dresses in very short skirts, shorts etc and pulls them up… rolls her t-shirt up at the bottom as well as pulling it down at the top so half her bra is always on show..
Like I said she has no idea how to sit.. or anything..  the constant scratching of her head or other places past the waistband… is driving me nuts… she has a cold and we get the most disgusting sound effects going when she is snorting away or trying to bring phlegm up , seriously a docker would be put to shame…  

Now neither of my girls acted this way ever , I never acted this way… surely it’s not normal now for young ladies to be like this with no self-respect or manners
oh look at me talking… even with my past I honestly don’t think I was like that…   Was I???

I’m now just wondering at what age it stops being child abuse and starts being assault.. because the next time I see her walking around with her boobs and bra hanging out all covered in love bits… and her skirt or dress rolled up so much you can see the crutch of her knickers and her bum from the back view… (she honestly can’t see this and thinks we are having a go at her all the time) 
The next time I have to say to her sit properly the boys don’t want to see everything.
The next time she comes in at silly hours of the morning and wakes up the boys and everyone else in the house…
I want to slap her….
Sorry just really narked and in one of those moods today..

Found some pics of when I was in my late teens and how I dressed, even as a fancy dress outfit… I covered up more…

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The Strangest Things Bring Up Old Memories

The Strangest Things Bring Up Old Memories especially when you see a picture posted on facebook or a saying. I saw today a page that had this status:

 

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

 

Love memories can linger in our minds for years, and we all want to burn and discard painful memories so we can forget all about them but the problem is when someone else burns the good memories..

 

I have been in love a few times in my life. My first and really only true love was the most painful. Painful because it was my stupidity and my fault it ended, and is the one that comes to my mind the most. In fact its the only one that comes to my really.

 

It comes to my mind, not out of regret or hate, but because I have no physical, materialistic, love memories of that relationship. I have no cards, no dried flowers, no love notes and no photographs. I have nothing off all the letters that were sent to me, Apart from the fact that we are still friends and soulmates as such and apparently according to him always will be.

I have nothing of our time together.

 

I did keep everything I even kept diaries from when I was 11 right up until I was about 22.

they all went up in the loft at my parents house along with photo albums of my childhood etc. Sadly when my parents were abroad and I was living in their house with my husband, while I was out one day with the three youngest at the time, he went up in the loft to be nosy and if I’m honest probably to find something to sell 😦 and collected all of my saved old love letters, gifts, notes and photos and made a bonfire out of it. He burnt everything he could find of my life before him… While I can understand to a certain extent his loathing of the fact that I had kept something of someone before him, I felt violated, He had no right, it was my property, it was not for his eye’s or anyone else’s … but then this is the man who destroyed anything to do with my family, even old photo’s of my parents.. after all this was their attic. He just assumed everything was mine.

Years have passed and especially since I split with my husband (its been over 12 years or so now)

I missed reading my first loves old love letters and his cards for a while, and after a few years, I almost forgot how he looked. I could remember him, of course, but it was just a vague memory.

 

The problem with me was that I had always been worrying so much about finding the perfect one, the one that matched up to my first love, that I had forgotten all about the experiences I’ve had on the journey. I can remember my first love, boyfriend sending me a mushy love letter after I had left for America, we wrote to each other all the time, the worst thing is I can’t remember what it said. I only wish I still had it.

 

When I put a profile on friends reunited he contacted me, we spoke briefly on the phone and from then on we were in contact via facebook.

Things were different. We spoke like old friends and it was good. No ill feelings and no rift. I again had contact with him after 2 decades. To me contacting him felt like bumping into someone for the first time. I couldn’t recollect too many love memories of ‘us’, together on dates apart from maybe a trip to the cinema to see Rocky III, though he did remind me of a few incidents and old love letters. We were kids we hung around in groups, went to the pub with friends, I just cant recall the us time (well of course I remember moments )

 

He has said he still had my old love letters and love notes from when I was abroad and pictures of me, even despite the fact that he had married. I bet his wife loved that,

That thought didn’t make me feel warm or fuzzy inside, it made me feel foolish and stupid. He had treasured those years as a memory and He could recollect all of them, and laugh about it. I wished I could have turned back time, and I even wondered if I could ask Him for a photocopy of our old love letters! But that would be the most stupid thing to ask for sure. I had lost my love memories, sure, but not my mind thankfully. We are now in contact when ever we want. Like I said we are both on that infamous site facebook… He is on every account I have ever had… all three My main one, which I use all the time, My account that I originally had with over 3000 people on it which I opened when facebook had not long been going and you needed loads of people to play games, I deactivated that a long time ago and moved close friends and family etc. and people I wanted to keep in contact with to another account which is my main account now lol

I now even have an account now with just him and Vickie on it… (I opened it when I had to deactivate my main account for a few days just to remain Admin of some groups about a week ago) and then decided to keep it open just for a private chat and when I don’t want to get sucked into the whole facebook thing… its a private one.. as far as Allan is concerned its deactivated now.

 

If only I knew back then, about how I would feel now, maybe I would never have left those letters and stuff up in the attic where anyone could find them and my ex would never have burned the stack of old love letters and cards and no doubt done the tribal dance around them.

 

Perhaps, I would have been able to chat with my first love and talked about memories that I found funny too, memories of what we had written to each other. That would have been nice. But now, that’s history.

But the only thing that rubs it in is the fact that I don’t remember important things like dates of my first kiss, my first date, and my first love letter in my life. All that was written in my diary, If only I had those love letters and kept those love memories in a corner of the attic hidden away, I could have read them all over again and remembered what a smooth talker and writer he was, even when we were young!

Bearing in mind we had been writing to each other since we were about 11,

to be honest after everything I did to hurt him I’m surprised he even talks to me.

And yet he still says.. (Although no doubt a few drinks gave him some courage)

 

He will always love me and I will always be perfect and his Soulmate

Don’t you ever regret knowing someone in your life, good people will give you happiness, bad people will give you experience, while the worst people will give you a lesson and the best people will always give you

Memories

Germ ridden kids

We have had months without even a sniffle with the exception of the odd days hay fever. but  they have been back at school less than two full weeks and Ali is ill and I mean ILL. 

He started coughing the other day by last night he was feeling unwell.

I put him to bed as usual and then just as we were going to bed I checked on him and his breathing was so slow he was really struggling. He was awake and just lying there. 

I gave him his inhaler and he was still no better so we came downstairs and sat on the sofa so Alex wouldn’t be disturbed and so Allan could sleep,  I had decided by about 4.30am that I would give it another half hour and if he wasn’t settled by then I would take him up the hospital. 

Thankfully he went to sleep at which point I sat and watched him struggle to breath until my phone alarm went off to get Alex up. Once Alex was at school I spoke to the doctors who fitted him right in. It’s not as if I am one of those paranoid mothers who is always taking their kids to the doctors (with the exception of asthma clinic Ali has never been in his life) As he has only ever been admitted to hospital before when paramedics have taken him, anyway the doctor prescribed some antibiotics and he has to use his inhaler and the preventer’s.

He is still feeling rough but sounding a lot better, tonight we will see if it’s helping in the meantime I wish all those mothers who send their germ ridden snotty kids to school would provide tissues and teach their kids how to use them or keep them off school.

To you they may just get a slight cold,  to me it is a lot more serious for my son,

it’s a matter of life and breath!