The truths about life, that I learned as a child:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise budgies.

2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If your brother hits you, don’t hit him back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old cousin to hold a tomato.

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

 

The great truths about life, I learned as an adult:

 

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 

Great truths about growing old:

 

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

Great truths about the different stages of life:

 

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

 

Great truths about success in life:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

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