Heartbroken

I have to admit that I am not a very emotional person for most of the time.
I joke when we are watching a film or something on the tv and Allan has tears welling in his eyes.
I used to think I had no feeling at all,  I lost everything and cried…….
And then I taught myself not to let anything get to me…. I blocked everything bad out as best I can.

It takes a while for things to really hit me or soak in..
Sometimes I have a tendency to block out things.. If I don’t believe its true then it didn’t happen

I really thought I had my fair share of pain and that things could only get better in this world.
I was so wrong..

I hate funerals and I am sorry to say I have been to far to many.. from my sons to my mothers….. and other friends and relatives.

Even with my mum  I knew she was ill. I was her carer and as I have said before in previous blogs.. In some horrible way I felt free after her death I didn’t grieve for a long time after her death and when I did it was for the mother I had known in my younger years.  not this old woman who didn’t know me or recognise me and I admit she was a burden towards the end.  

When I buried my son, I grieved from the second he was born…..  I think of him all the time, especially every year on his birthday

…… he was born  30 August 1984

This year he would have been 30… no I haven’t forgotten him this year…..   
But the pain has come back raw as anything..
When I heard the news about Andy I was in a state of shock… regret…… all sorts of feelings……  I cried…. but I kept going…..

Fast Forward to yesterday I have hardly slept in ages…..   I was dreading the funeral.  because it’s always the final ending..

The thing is… this is when it hit me like a truck crashing into the wall,  Its true….. It happened.. I will never hear or see Andy again.
that’s not right……  He was always there…….  He was Alex’s godfather…. I only wish I had a picture of Alex at his christening with Andy.. but that wasnt possible.. Andy was taking the photos of the christening.

Andy would have loved his funeral and wake…… you see all his true friends turned up to say a last farewell.. there was over 100 people there…
old friends were back  together…. All People I have known through Andy…..

The thing with Andy is you can go months with not seeing or hearing from him and still know he would always be at the end of the phone to help you if you needed it.. or be there for a chat if you needed someone to talk to and vice versa.. I have had to many calls to count from Andy when he has been shit on from a great height by some of his so-called friends.. 
I loved Andy as a friend…
The most fitting and best tribute I have seen was one that was written by another good friend who was also close to Andy.
It sums it up perfectly.
By

Roy Jamison

We used to talk,
and laugh, and cry…
But now you’ve left,
there’s tears in my eyes

This feeling, this hole
that you’ve left inside
Won’t stop, won’t quit
Won’t be pushed aside

Can’t think, can’t do
can’t speak, nor breathe
All I can do now,
Is try and grieve

This feeling, this loss,
This hurt, this pain
I hope one day
To see you again

Maybe one day after the end,
I’ll see you again my best friend,
Just maybe I’ll be fine and dandy,
Until that day I miss you Andy

And now I can’t stop the tears……..  Sleep didn’t happen at all last night no matter how hard I tried

I feel like I have been ripped in half… 

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have lost a friend one of the best friends ever
The fact that as we all get older, I have realised that we are not all immortal.

Memories.
I do know there will never be another person like him..
Yes at times he drove us all mad.

There are times when we thought he was being over dramatic about things and just had to say to him to sit back and chill, these things happen for  a reason..
There are times when I had to tell him in no uncertain terms.. he was being used…..  Usually by the radio stations.. But the thing is that was his life….
What he lived for…  
he was nocturnal..  and spent many a night here until dawn came and he went home to bed.
When the boys were born and we had to change our lives to daytime lives.. we still saw him……
He used to come around everyday when he got up it was usually around the time when the boys got in from school.

He used to answer the why kids questions.. Both boys are geeks, and asked geeky questions and Andy always had time to tell them what they wanted to know.. or to teach them… when Alex was only one.. he had Alex on his knee and found a site called knee-bouncers…. and he showed Alex how to work the keyboard.. He did the same with Ali..  
In the garden once  when we were having a BBQ  we had wooden chairs at the time, he was wriggling around in the chair holding Alex as a baby and the chair gave away…
Andy went crashing to the ground with a bump… But held onto Alex tightly so he wasn’t hurt…
There are so many memories…… some good, some bad………… and some evil……… (yes Andy had a temper on him when someone had treated him badly) I never saw that side aimed at me… but had seen it when turned on others.. and sometimes I have to admit with very funny consequences. 
I have been there for Andy as well.
during times when he was at court….  (temper related)

During the times when his lovely mum and dad needed help, in the garden, or greenhouse.. getting stuff out of the attic.
Tidying up his mums house when they were away on holiday and Andy had been there on his own..
When his mum had a nasty fall and broke her hip… we lent them the wheelchair while she was on the long road to recovery.

And as I have said in an old post from a long time ago
Andy was the only godparent that Alex had that ever bothered with him

https://notyouraveragemother.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/religion-and-godparents-why-bother/

Yes I’m in tears…… 
and the pain is unbearable at times….
I miss him..

I always will…

Because I now know that in a few months time… or weeks or days  He wont be there at the end of the phone.

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