Sadness but I should be happy

It is not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time but more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired and yet when it comes to sleep you find it impossible because the sadness is in your dreams too – it is a sadness you can’t escape from, I know I am supposed to feel happy, we have so much to look forward to but I can’t help thinking that the most important people in my life won’t be at my wedding. and as much as my dad was a royal pain in the arse sometimes, well all the time tbh, I miss him, I miss the older kids, and I miss my friends who have passed away. in an ideal world, they would all be with us to celebrate. I can’t help thinking that had things turned out differently, they would all have been there to help us celebrate because we could have got married years ago, 

The other thing that makes me sad in a way is the Wilkinson family will have one family member left with the name and that is my brother. who has no kids and never will. we are the last of the Wilkinson line. Ironic really considering I was the only girl born into the Wilkinson family for over 500 years, you would think being all males born into the family the name would be thriving, but none of the Wilkinsons had big families, just one or two boys   but the two world war’s and cancer had taken their toll on the male member’s and the family line and name, has dwindled down to my brother and me and with regret in a way, none of my kids had the Wilkinson surname.  It was one of the reason’s I never officially took on my married name the first time around. but this time, I want to have the same name as the boys and Allan, I think the only reason I am changing my name is because my dad is gone now. with the exception of all my children, the last 30 plus years, have been a challenge and at times a living hell, like a nightmare that never ended until I met Allan. we have had our up’s and down’s as all couples have had but we have come through it and it has made us stronger, and so here we are,  A new start and a new name.

As they say, things can only get better

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