I was born in 1962 in Beirut Lebanon,. My father was a diplomat serving for HM Govt..

Although we had a home base in the UK we travelled all over the world.. although to be honest i don’t remember much of the countries of my younger years,. My memory works from Munich in Germany to the USA where we lived first in Cleveland Ohio while he worked in the consulate there, then we moved to Lakewood Ohio… From there he was posted to the British Embassy in Washington DC. where i eventually ended up working first of all in the messenger service and then working in communications for the GCHQ Dept. I have to say i loved my job there and loved the money… and loved the life out there…. We Brit’s tended to stick together and had parties most weekends…  mainly because of course the age of being able to drink when you went out there was 21 and at the time i was 16 onwards… so we made our own fun.  any excuse for a party… birthdays, celebrations, because we were bored. fancy dress. you name it we had one for it. I made a lot of very good friends there but again if I’m honest i missed my friends in the uk, I travelled back as often as I could to Kent… well Sittingbourne in Kent to be exact. every holiday i could get time for i came back to the UK… A lot of my friends decided that once their parents got another posting elsewhere in the world to stay in Washington, not me I came back because I missed the English life and to be exact missed a certain person who was in the UK who shall remain nameless..As it wasn’t to be..

OK I admit I dated quite a few guys while I was working at the embassy.. nothing serious though as soon as anyone mentioned Marriage that was it I was gone like a shot… Girls just want to have fun comes to mind…

I came back to the UK on holiday and after a very stupid fling fell pregnant.. I had a termination and after a few complications was told I would probably never have children… HAHAHA.. (rather funny now considering how many children I have had) anyway I worked hard and loved my job in the states.. then it was time to come back to the UK for leave..

Anyway… I came back to the UK and on the way back had the most god awful flight going and I swore that after flying millions of miles all over the world I would never fly again. My dad had been posted to the uk for 3 years although I had the option to stay on at my job in the states I handed in my resignation well posted it to be exact. No way was I going back on a plane…

I had fun and enjoyed my life in Sittingbourne but in the end decided that I was getting bored and needed to work so I got a job locally as a PA to a director in a tool factory… Now bearing in mine when I worked in communications, I was practically my own boss… ok there were those above me but as long as you did your job you were left alone to get on with things and make decisions. now the director I worked for in the uk was basically a twat… He had no idea how to run a business or what a PA was actually for… A few home truths to him later and it was basically a job change for me. Same company but working in sales….  I have to admit I enjoyed that a lot more…

Then my whole life turned upside down… I found out I was pregnant. now I couldn’t tell my parents… very strict and I knew what their reaction would be and I knew they would insist on a termination. I also couldn’t tell the father as I had it in my head that he didn’t care about me and besides no way was I going to tie someone down to me because I was pregnant. ( this turned out to be the biggest mistake I ever made in my life, a word of advice… never assume )So I did the only thing I could think of.. I got in touch with a friend who I used to work with in DC  and had known since i was 16  They lived in London… went up to visit him and his girlfriend also my very close friend and they suggested that I stay with  them until the baby was born.. I told My parents I had a job in London and moved in within a week.

This was my first pregnancy, I was unmarried, and no longer with the father to be honest I was never with the father in the first place like I said I didn’t think he cared , I had quite a problem free pregnancy, a little bleeding at about week 7 but other than that, nothing, no morning sickness, I was the picture of health and finding it all very exciting, (from what I can remember)

i had a 20 weekish scan but in those days they never told you what the sex of the baby was,

At one of my last midwife appointments my midwife thought that the baby might be breech so she sent me for a scan when I was 37 weeks, I had the scan and baby was fine, head down, wriggling around, not a problem seen, two days later my waters started leaking just dribbles and drips, I called my midwife and she told me to get to the hospital straight away, I went and after waiting 5 hours to be seen I was looked at the heartbeat was found and baby was fine and I sent home, basically I was told that until the waters went properly or I was in labour to not come back, another two days later I had a big gush when the rest of my waters went, I went straight to the hospital again, and after waiting another 4 hours was examined again and told I wasn’t in labour to go home and come back when labour started, not once did they listen to hear the baby’s heartbeat this time , I was sent home with the usual rules no sex and no baths, (hey sex I was single and 9 months pregnant were they having a laugh? no chance of that anyway) I followed their advice to the letter,

5 days later I started getting severe backache in the morning, my best friend called the midwife, who came out to see me, when she looked at my co op card she was shocked to hear my waters had gone and that I had been sent home, she stayed with me about half an hour later the first contraction came and boy was it a good one,she tried to listen for a HB and couldn’t find one but her Doppler had been playing up so she decided that I should go to the hospital, she called for an ambulance and was told it would take an hour to get to me as there was a major accident on the roads and that they were all busy so she decided she would take me in her car to the hospital as it was about half and hour away and she didn’t think I was going to last an hour and a half before giving birth,

we got to the hospital and I was wheeled to the delivery suit, at which point I couldn’t even walk, she asked to stay for the delivery but was told no and the hospital midwives would take over, she said her goodbye’s and good luck

At the hospital they examined me, I was 3cm dilated but they couldn’t find a HB either, so I was hooked up to the machines still no HB, it was then they told me the baby had died, I was given an option of an epidural which I took I just wanted it over and done with as quick and painless as possible now. , the pain when they put the tube in my back was the worst pain I have ever had in my life, also after 20 Min’s I had no feeling from my knee’s down but could feel every contraction, so they decided to let it wear off, I was given gas and air to help myself to and then the wire with the magic button on it to call for assistance if I needed it and left on my own, after about 2 hours I really needed a drink I pushed the button and a midwife came in, told me I wasn’t allowed anything except a sip of water, which was warm as it was by the window in the middle of summer, she examined me and found I was only 5cm dilated and basically told me they were really busy so unless I felt something happening not to buzz them

my best Friend turned up at the hospital and asked to sit with me, and she was told no it was only husbands allowed into the delivery room or designated birth partners that we had to fill in name and address on the notes before giving birth at the hospital and as I hadn’t filled her name in when i first got my co op card she wasn’t allowed in,

9 hours later after the odd midwife popping in it was decided that I was 9cm dilated and that baby should be with me in the next hour, the midwife on duty obviously hadn’t read my notes as she was asking if I had everything ready for the baby etc., I had to tell her the baby was dead,

she went very red, and made an excuse to leave the room, half hour later I had this stinging down below and pushed the buzzer again, a midwife came in and said the head had crowned, after 20 Min’s of pushing my baby was delivered, he was taken to the next room and I was told he would have been perfect and that he weighed 7lb 7oz

I had a couple of stitches and was wheeled to the ward with all the other new mums and their baby’s and told to rest and given some pills to take, I’m assuming they were sleeping pills because the next thing I remember is waking up about 8 hours later, at which point I was hooked up to a drip with antibiotics,

I was told that i had to stay in the hospital for 6 days as was standard at the time for first time mum’s so there I was stuck on a ward with all the other mums and their babies, basically crying my eyes out constantly,
I even remember one of the nurses telling me to pull myself together as I was upsetting some of the other mums,

I had a doctor come round and explained to me that the reason the baby had died as i had got an infection in his words caused by the fact that my waters had gone, and the baby had been dead in his estimate for about 60 hours, he also advised me that off the record I should contact a solicitor, I must admit he was the only person I had any contact with at the hospital that seemed to care, and was genuinely upset for me., this was on day 5 after the birth, he also arranged straight away that i be moved to a room on my own, which i was for the last day before i was discharged, i had another midwife come round and check me and the stitches at home on day ten, and was then discharged, and on day 13 a health visitor turned up to see the baby Rant at which point I lost the plot and threw her out, my friends boyfriend took me to a solicitors about 4 weeks later.and proceedings were started against the hospital for negligence,

it took 4 years for them to admit negligence and settle, the amount on my son’s life was £2000,

I decided that I couldn’t stay with my friends forever so i came back to sittingbourne, I never told either my parents about the baby or the father about the baby until he got in touch with me and we ended up as facebook friends… after a long discussion one evening I told him… to say he was a little shocked is a bit of an understatement.. im guessing he was rather pissed at me… but on the other hand he could have been relived as well, he could hardly admit that eh.. anyway back to the past.… I suffered from a major depression and decided that the only way I could fill that hole left in my life was to get pregnant again which i did.. the first guy who asked me out I deliberately got pregnant with. This time I told my parents… the words termination came out straight away… no way this was planned but i couldn’t tell them that  so in the end it was agreed that i would marry the father….. the biggest mistake of my life….. My mum was one of these people who always said I told you so… the lectures i had circled around I had given up a fantastic job in the states, I had given up a job in London.. (again remember she didn’t know the circumstances of my stay in London) and now here i was pregnant and with a guy 4 years younger than me.. he was 18  now he was more than willing to get married.  I had my doubts but hey if it meant i could keep my baby i went along with the whole thing. we were married on Jan 19th 1985 and my baby was born in June 1985… as soon as I held my son the rush of love was unbelievable… but there was still something missing… I needed another child……. despite things not being good with my Husband… he was abusive, lazy, never worked a day in his life I decided to get pregnant again… and I did… my twins were born a year and a month after my son in July 1986……..  I loved my kids to bits only problem was we were living in a B and B in margate and it was going to be a bit cramped… my father then got a posting to Zambia and said for us to live in his house until I got somewhere which I did. In fact I moved into my own house on the twins first birthday… Married life was not fun at all, I had to account for everything.. from every penny i spent to every person I talked to… this went on for the rest of my marriage.. I couldn’t leave I had nowhere to go… he wouldn’t leave..  stalemate…… my children started school and I realised that the only thing that kept me going in the day times was my children… so yes you guessed it i purposely got pregnant again  I had another son….. and a year later another daughter… by this time things were so strained at home my husband and I slept in separate rooms. to be honest im surprised i ever managed to get pregnant at all as relations between us were very rare to say the least.  Time went on and after years of fighting and both verbal and physical abuse from my husband I finally got him to leave….. I had two great years with him gone I had a life for the first time in 16 years. I went out with some friends got to go out for coffee when i wanted. the kids were all at school by now so i had the day time to myself. Then I started dating a guy. My husband (yes I say husband as he refused to get divorced) got wind of this and proceeded to first pretend he was dying of a brain and stomach cancer (I know it wasnt true as we had the same dr and he confirmed this) then when i still wouldn’t have him back he just moved back in one day….. nothing I could do to stop him as his name was on the house….  one hell of a beating later and that was it I couldn’t go back. while I was in hospital he had turned the kids against me….. refused me access to see them.  this went through the courts. I won access although i couldn’t have them live with me as i was homeless and living with a friend .. the kids by then refused to see me.. i was a whore apparently i abandoned them… now im not going in the ins and outs of this but lets just say he had to drag my youngest daughter off me screaming to stay with me at the time  he wouldn’t let them stay with me..

to cut a long story short.. I carried on seeing Allan and I got pregnant again  when Alex was born I got my house where i am now and since then we moved in together and have been together ever since.. we have another lovely son Ali

I would have loved another child but it wasn’t to be as I have had several miscarriages since Ali’s birth I think age is against me here.. I’ve had two children since i was 40 and for some that’s a miracle in itself… I’m blessed that I have had 7 healthy children  and of course have my angel, so I can’t dwell on my longing to have another.

This just about brings us up to date……. I live with Allan, our two son’s Alex who is 6 in December born 21st Dec 2003 and Ali born July 1st 2006…

So that’s me basically…… and here we are….

when im not looking after the kids, I spend a lot of time on the pc….

and I love working with graphics and photography and IT… I’m fairly pc savvy but learning new things all the time.

oh and this is me taken 2003

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