The highs and low’s of this week

To say the last 7 days have been challenging would be an understatement.
I spend the majority of my time now driving the old man around to various appointment’s , shop’s and other places he either needs to go to or has to go to.
I get that he can’t get out now because he can’t drive
I get that he is lonely because he has NO friends but then neither did my mother, maybe is because they spent the majority of their life travelling around the world from one country to another and were never in one place long enough to make friends rather than acquaintances,
I get that I am the only person he has because quite frankly my older brother.  By 7 years,  is a total waste of space who has always made it clear even back to when my mother was alive that he and his wife (no kids ) as he put it to me when I last spoke to him “We Have a Life “.  so although he lives less than a mile from the old fart he doesn’t even call him never mind go and see him..  so that leaves me to do it all.
Apparently even with the work I do, the Volunteering, the kids, House, the pets, the Adult Education, and everything else… does not constitute anything as important as my brothers “life”
What my dad doesn’t get is that I can’t be with him from 8am or before If he had his way till 8 at night, when I say I have school runs and things to do he sulkslike a child..  so that brings me to the.  Low’s.
I live in a house with 3 adults in amber is over 21 now but still does fuck all, can’t even sort her washing or room out, I even posted a picture of her jeans with her draws still stuck inside them on facebook, ok she blocked me but the next morning her shorts with one leg inside out and another pair of jeans with socks stuck in the end were in the wash…. obviously nothing sinks in.
Next time everything goes straight in the bin..  I would say she should do her own washing but then I can see her buggering up my washing machine.. she cant even work out how to turn an oven on using the pilot light, so the washing machine is going to be way beyond her.  The advantage of her blocking me on facebook is the next time she leaves her knickers on the floor in the kitchen,  hair all over the bathroom, and bedroom a complete tip  (ok thats normal but when I ask her to do it I expect to be able to see carpet) as far as I can see now.. Everything Skanky  Is fair game.

Allan has done nothing lately apart from moan and do stuff for the scouts, so I lost it on Sunday. I will thrown away clothes etc that are still rolled together in the wash and Allan can start to pull his weight and put family first instead of everyone else .

All was helped better by some kind words from one friend (he may know who he is) and a visit around to see another friend and a pint and a half of wine, and a good old natter and whine.

I did walk there lol

The highs I received my certificate to say I had passed my teacher training course and that they want me to go in and take some exams on Friday well mock exams and if I pass them I can take my examination without having to do a years course ( personally I’m not holding my breath) but it will be nice to have a day without running him around even if it means I’m at the Adult education college instead.

We have our little visitor back this weekend as well so determined on how his trial run of the hike goes tonight depends on if I can go this weekend. Which was the cause of another argument because after last years hike and the problems we had with Ali this was the reason Allan was organising on this year and where does he choose, down country lanes near Milstead which has some very steep hills.

And here endeth  today’s rant

Footnote:  as I didn’t get to post this yesterday as I was on my phone and thought it had sent I now realise that you poor sods are going to get it all in one go today

So anyway Last night he did the hike and lo and behold… the walk was too dangerous and with hills to steep for beavers to use, in fact I was told that even the adults would find the terrain hard going.

So now the hike has been rearranged and they are going to do it locally and yes I can take the little one in the buggy so I will indeed be joining in..
Well hey I want my JOTT badge to sew on my blanket as well you know!

I so love being able to say   I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!

Busy Busy Busy, Let’s play catch up

Yes I know I always say that.. and to be honest the only reason I am finding the time now is because Allan has taken the boys on a cubs sixer (Alex is a sixer) and seconders  crazy camp out in cardboard boxes at one of the local scout HQ halls.  Ali has gone along even though he isn’t officially a sixer or seconder with the cubs  he is a lodge leader with the beavers and due to go up to the cubs at Easter.

Anyway I digress, the only reason I have time now is that I am on my own and not crawling into bed.

Well I say on my own… of course Amber is here… or not here… she is out as per usual, but will no doubt come in during the early hours of the morning. and I have Shelby here… My little weekend visitor, We tend to have her here every weekend now from Friday to Monday so her mum can get some much-needed rest and one to one time with her other daughter.. Shannon who is now 6 week old or will be in a few hours.  Shelby is 14 months old and as good as gold and the boys love having a part-time sister.  Alex because he loves little ones and is always making a fuss and playing with her and Ali because she doesn’t actually live here full-time.. He secretly likes her but wouldn’t admit it.. but you see him talking to her when no one is looking..

So what else has happened..  Ali has so far been well, thank goodness… still on major medication but if it works then that’s all I worry about.
Despite the weather being lousy and it raining most of the time.. when we have dry days we are out with the boys, we took them both and Shelby to riverside country park a couple of weeks ago… it was a lovely day apart from being muddy but the kids all enjoyed a day out in the fresh air.
PicMonkey Collage1

Oh yes… Alex had his Class play… He was a miner and had to get up and tell the tale of how hard the children had it in Victorian times and how what it was like,  As it goes it wasn’t that hard to find the outfit for him… we borrowed his granddads flat cap, he had the brown t-shirt and cut up shirt from his Tudor day and as we didn’t have any tatty brown trousers.. actually we didst even have any good ones as I have to say it’s not a colour I would go out and buy for trousers for the boys… so we compromised and found an old pair of pj bottoms that were too small and I had put in the Phil the bag ready to give to our local christmas lights, I’m sure they wont mind getting them next month instead.

PicMonkey CollageWQ

Lets see what else………

One had luncheon with the Mayor 

(ok that’s a slight exaggeration, It was a buffet lunch )

With All the courses I have done, some were through our housing association , I had taken some sugarcraft ones and cake decorating along with doing the learning champion course with Allan, it was doing these which got me into the learning bug in the first place…. then I went on to the Adult education College and started enrolling in other things.   Anyway we got an invitation through the post inviting both Allan and I to a celebration of Achievement,  we thought it was just to push the 2014 courses so we said we would go along..   When we got there we had to sign in which we thought was strange and then we saw some familiar faces……  And another familiar face.. Sue.. As we know her through our being members of the Friends of Milton Creek Country Park.  

Sue who we know very well, Is the Mayor of Swale.
And she was wearing her bling..
So the days events went like this
And then it was out turn to receive our awards from Sue , we got a certificate and a nice boxed pen…  (the pen was rather lumpy to scan lol )
Afterwards she came over to talk to us and the first thing I said was it makes a change to see her with her Hair done and the bling… we usually see her dishevelled and in wellies. or attending meetings in her civvies.

I have to admit it was a nice surprise..  we hadn’t expected to have all this.. like I said we just thought they were rolling out the new courses for this year that were going to be available.  There were official pictures taken of us receiving our awards but we haven’t got a copy yet.  but we were in the papers
(that’s twice in two weeks for Allan and not once for being arrested lol )

PicMonkey Collage
Thankfully I was at the back of the picture in the paper and its so bad quality I can’t be recognised.  But I am there next to Allan   He is in the white and black shirt on the left-hand side of the picture at the back and I am in a red top with my badge between my boobs lol Depending on what the official pictures are like I may post one on here when we get them. 

(I avoid any public pictures of myself because of the Arsehole I call a husband still, Hence the reason why I don’t even have a profile picture of me on facebook) 

Well  that is it for now!  Phew!!!


A Week

A few weeks ago well,  Tuesday I watched my youngest child close to death.

To the point he was in Resus in A and E at the hospital before being admitted to HDU.

  The next week he was back at school (he went back last Monday but couldn’t play out or do PE for a week,)

He is now back to laughing, giggling, arguing and being stroppy with his brother.

Ok he is on some serious steroids and other medication at the moment. And like me will have to use a preventer inhaler possibly for the rest of his life.

But you know what I am so proud of him.

He took everything in his stride, He did what the doctors asked of him, ok he didn’t talk back to them and very rarely he even gave eye contact but we had no refusals of anything, we had no total meltdowns in the hospital.  For a child who thrives off routine and anything else causes major problems, He was a star.
Yes I know he was too ill at first to object to anything but even the day they let him out and wanted to run a few last tests he was a star.

Today he is back at school and hopefully back to normal.  he can go out for playtime, he can do PE and he is arguing with his brother………..

Normal services have been resumed!

In every 24 hours things can change from good to bad to good again!

A normal school day for both boys in fact after all the rain we have had it was quite nice and mild so we thought we would get the boys from school wrap them up warm and go straight to the country park for a walk as we are on the “friends of the park” committee” We went home, usual stuff,  have dinner and after some time on the pc or laptops the boys go to bed ready for school.

Ali in very good spirits

Ali in very good spirits


My youngest Ali  had a bit of a cough in the night, Nothing really worrying but we put some vapour rub on his chest and he went back to sleep, Tuesday morning when he got up he says his back hurt and he had a bit of a snotty nose so as both he and I were going on a school trip on Wednesday I decided to keep him off school so he would be ok for the trip, 
During the morning he perked up a bit and even had some sausages in a bap, in fact I kind of felt a fraud for keeping him off school, by dinner time he hardly touched his dinner and then went back on the laptop. Allan had a cub leaders meeting up at the scout hall in bexon lane so he left about 7pm within about half an hour Ali’s breathing got a bit heavy so I gave him his inhaler, It helped a little and he said he was tired so instead of putting him to bed upstairs  I pulled the sleep sofa out and told him to rest there propped up instead. 
By the time Alex had gone to bed  Ali’s breathing was getting worse and worse.. I was just about to call Allan to come home from his cub meeting when he came through the door.
By now its about 9.15pm, now you can tell how long it is since I have called the doctors out of hours because I had to look up online and found out that the local memorial hospital closes at 9pm and after that the out of hours service finishes and you now call 111 instead of NHS Direct.
 So I called 111 and a paramedic came. checked Ali over and said he had a very  high temperature & was Tachycardic now, because of the strain of trying to breathe and that it was serious. he put him straight on a nebulizer and called for the “Van with noise and lights”  they asked if there were any other children in the house so we told them that Alex was in bed so while I waited for Amber to get in to watch Alex, Allan went in the ambulance with Ali and the paramedic who first came as he wouldn’t leave Ali.. he even left his car outside and was going to get a lift back later on with the ambulance crew.

Once Amber arrived I drove up to Medway hospital and Ali was in A & E hooked up to loads of bits and was very poorly, they were giving him dose upon dose in the nebulizer and nothing was working.
he was looking really poorly and we had to wait for them to take a xray of his chest… (the x-ray people came to him)

Tuesday Night in A & E waiting for bed in HDU

Tuesday Night in A & E waiting for bed in intensive care


We were told that he would have to be admitted to intensive care but there was no space at the moment,  So for the time being he was going to be put in HDU on penguin ward (children’s) at Medway hospital.  So he was moved up there and straight away they decided that after 12 lots of medication put in the nebuliser back to back,  it wasn’t working so they hooked him up to two drips, Allan went home around 3am as he had to come home and get some sleep and be there to get Alex up for school the next day plus he had to go out and get some of the important cardboard bits done in the scout van.  I stayed with Ali and the consultant came around about 6am and explained that Ali had been very tacicocardic and his heart rate was still very high, He was also concerned about the amount of steroids Ali had now received and it still wasn’t helping, he tried finding a bed in Intensive care but there was still no space so he decided that Ali would have to stay on HDU.  He told me that the next few hours were crucial and that Ali was very  very seriously ill.

By 9am Ali was awake and starting to look a bit better.. well to me anyway.. he wanted a sip of water which the nurse gave him and he immediately threw it up …..  every hour they tried with just 20mls of water and each time it came up again… this was probably because of all the medication.. Ali was still on oxygen all the time and then the nebulizer every hour but he was starting to get bored just lying there..
So they turned on the what he called Lego man tv and put children’s programs on… He was not impressed to say the least lol good job I had his ds in my bag so he played on that…  by Wednesday evening they moved him to the ward and they had got him on 4 hourly nebulizer and off the oxygen and drips and told us that if he was ok through the night Wednesday he could go onto the inhalers on Thursday and if that was ok he may go home once he was stable.   So As I had done the night shift with him Tuesday Night Allan stayed Wednesday Night, He had the good shift as the ward had room for a Z  bed down the side of Ali’s for Allan to lie on they even used cylinder oxygen for Ali so not to disturb Allan when they did his obs and medicine.

After getting a relatively good night sleep at home, I got a call from Allan to say the consultant had been around and that Ali was improving well and they were going to start the inhaler early on him.  So they used a spacer and he had to have ten hits of his ventolin at a time every two hours and then extend it to every 4 hours..  and had his Prednisolone   If he was ok he could go home either Thursday night or Friday.. So I went shopping and picked up some bits just in case he did have to stay the night again as it would be my shift again.  But when I got to the hospital he was looking ten times better than when I had left him the night before.

If fact if anything he was bouncing off the walls….. and bored….. bored … bored…
Thankfully the medication worked a treat and in the evening they said we could take him home provided he took his medication every 4 hours and took his Prednisolone every day and we kept him in from playtime at school and pe for the first week he could go back to school on Monday.
As we were leaving a doctor came to sign the discharge forms and sort out his prescriptions for stuff he will need to take and turned to me and said…

He (Ali) has done remarkable considering we were close to losing him the other night………. 
I’m so glad they didn’t tell me that at the time !!!

So everyday there was a rapid change… What a difference 24 hours makes.

And Now… Now is Saturday… I have Shelby up in bed for her nap (my lovely little weekend visitor from Friday till Monday ) I am sat here at my pc and Alex and Ali are on the Xbox playing Minecraft……… 

Normal service has been resumed!

Tuesday Night to Thursday Night......

Tuesday Night to Thursday Night……


Not so Happy Halloween….


Usually we Halloween big time, Put up decorations in the house and out the front, I bake cakes and buy candy for the kids coming round and we take the boys out trick or treating but it’s not to be this year.
Allan did take them to a Halloween Party last night (I had a really bad stiff neck yesterday and really didn’t feel like going)  but when they got home both started coughing and were white as sheets, 

I did wonder if they were tired as we had been to Tangmere Military Aviation Museum  in the day time and it was a couple of hours drive away from us,  A couple of hours looking around and then a couple of hours drive back so along with the party it had been a long day.

They went to bed but  I was woken up at 2am with Ali saying he felt sick, I came down and sure enough he had been sick, but it was all phlegm and his chest was really bad as his Asthma is really bad,again So two hits of his puffer later and he came in bed with us, he slept a little, I didn’t sleep at all . 

I got up today and both him and Alex were now bad, so all plans of putting all the decorations up and going to a Halloween Party in a hall, followed by a Halloween show, and then trick or treating in Iwade and then trick or treating around us went out the window. even the boys didn’t put up any argument  (hence I know they really are ill) 

I did go and pick up some extra sweets for them so they at least had a few…. and I have got some if some kids do knock but we decided that we wouldn’t put the decorations up  and would have an evening in watching some films or something and change Halloween day into a sofa day hoping that we don’t end up at the hospital in the next day or so with Ali on a Nebulizer, 

We will make up for it next year.

On the plus side at least they are on half term break from school and can hopefully get better before they are due to go back to school on Monday.

Allan at the Halloween Party yesterday being turned into a Mummy:

Things can only get better… right?!

This has been kind of a rough week.  I have not been having the best of luck lately

Worst week of my life. & I feel like my blog is the only place I have to go to bitch about it I can set the odd pissed off status on facebook but at least here I get the chance to say how I really feel, Im not one for those dramatic woe is me status updates, In fact the one thing that annoys me more than anything else is the suicidal attention seeking updates you see on a regular basis on facebook.

I have one friend in particular who does this at least every couple of weeks, I even told him once if he is going to kill himself could he do it quietly as ive lost interest now… Then I hid him from my wall lol

anyway as this is a me me me post.. back to me:

I haven’t been this miserable in so long. All I’ve wanted to do all week is fall asleep & not wake up. not in the suicidal sense but in the I really cant face another shit day… I need some good days..


I really don’t understand what exactly the universe has against me this week, but damn. I could have honestly just lay in bed and waited for Monday, because this clearly wasn’t my week. Each day I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, but I’ve done that the past five days and it didn’t help at all.

Seriously. I can’t catch a fucking break.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to remain stubborn and keep my mess close to heart. Not to say a word to a soul, Because I’m losing that feeling in my gut that soothes my dismal existence.

Because I want to hold onto something familiar despite thorns and sharp teeth.

Because nothing feels right and everything feels wrong.Even these words. Cluttered. Ambiguous. Cold. Distant. Inarticulate. 

Because it’s an endless cycle that’s left me reeling, violently grappling for steady ground.I feel nauseated with the business of arranging letters and organizing stuff Such a tiring affair. I’m drained

and I fear it’s beyond rejuvenation


It’s the closest I can get to having a good scream!!!!


What has put me in this down side you are probably wondering… well its a catalogue of things really.

I’m getting so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life lately. Obviously having read my blog about my step daughter you can see that this is getting me down big time… Allan is great don’t get me wrong.. I cant fault him, he is backing me up 100%… He is on her case constantly now.. to the point where despite the fact that she is driving me mad I’m starting to feel sorry for her… WTF??!!


Last weekend I was talking to my soulmate we were having a really in-depth chat which always brings me “up” and then I don’t hear from him this week, yes I know he is probably busy but still a simple hi wouldn’t hurt… ok yes he hasn’t been on facebook at all so its not just me he is ignoring. but still its the start of things going downhill as im wondering if I have done or said something wrong!

Ali Not being well also drained me… staying up with him one night and since then lying in bed listening to him cough all night and that paranoid checking on him in the middle of the night is taking its toll.. I feel exhausted… I cant sleep… even silly things are keeping me awake…

Procrastination is my middle name but then I lie awake thinking I must get that form off to the electoral roll for amber living here… I must go and pay that library fine I owe for over due books… I must return the meter reading form for the electric… I must contact the water board over the last bill before we went onto the water meter as there is a discrepancy… I never seem to get round to remembering these things in the day time but at 4am… they are top of the list of things on my mind.


The biggest cock up I had this last week was I lost my purse on Friday… .. I went to the chip shop to be honest in a lousy mood because of amber and something she had done that had peeved me. I got back home and Allan was clearing up Ali and changing him as the antibiotics he was given for his chest have given him the runs… and im looking for clean pants and towels etc while trying to dish the chips up to go with the pies I had in the oven cooking…

Now usually I always keep my purse in my bag and take my bag but as it was only going to the chippie in the car i just put my phone and purse in my pocket… I went I got to the chip shop I ordered a large chips and paid….

I remember getting home to the drama… that’s it.

Saturday I was making spag bol and I said to Allan we may need some onions… I went to get my purse from the side where the car keys were and my phone had been the night before as that’s where I thought I had put it and its gone… Allan had bowls so we both looked before he left and while he was gone I looked… I even searched through the bin in case I put it on the cooker top and it had been thrown away with the rubbish..


The problem is I had every spare penny we had in it… I had the gas bill money along with the gas card… I had the membership cards for us all for the swallows leisure centre and I had the bank debit card and a credit card in it… plus some other bits that I cant remember at the moment… I have another purse I keep all the cards in and just put in the ones I use at the time in my little purse.. so at least I haven’t lost driving licences and national insurance card etc

But its a big piss off all the same… thankfully we do on-line banking and Allan has another account so with the exception of the cash in the bank for direct debits i transferred everything over to that card so I can at least draw some cash out should I need to..

the credit card was maxed so that’s safe…….

we contacted the bank and credit card and they are sending out replacements.

I will contact the leisure centre tomorrow…

plus I will go to the chip shop and see if I left it in there while I was sitting waiting.. I’m not holding my breath of anyone handing it in not with the cash in it …


cards can be sorted but the cash we cant replace and to be honest we are skint at the moment anyway. so not sure what im going to do this week.. I need to top my phone up soon and cant even do that now… which kinda pisses me off….


I have a headache which has lasted the last two days and i mean big headache… we went out today to the Dover transport museum and instead of enjoying looking around I just had that thumping and feeling sick.


The boys are in bed now ready for school tomorrow and I have just remembered neither of them has done their home learning so wont be able to hand that in either.

Im tired I want to go to bed but cant face it yet..


so yes I have had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week what ever way you want to describe it.


Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and if you can’t see anything that could go wrong then you’ve obviously overlooked something.  Well I don’t think Murphy overlooked anything in our house this week. 

Things can only get better… right?!


The words of that song go round and round in my head.


I’m trying to be optimistic and really hope things can only get better!!



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Germ ridden kids

We have had months without even a sniffle with the exception of the odd days hay fever. but  they have been back at school less than two full weeks and Ali is ill and I mean ILL. 

He started coughing the other day by last night he was feeling unwell.

I put him to bed as usual and then just as we were going to bed I checked on him and his breathing was so slow he was really struggling. He was awake and just lying there. 

I gave him his inhaler and he was still no better so we came downstairs and sat on the sofa so Alex wouldn’t be disturbed and so Allan could sleep,  I had decided by about 4.30am that I would give it another half hour and if he wasn’t settled by then I would take him up the hospital. 

Thankfully he went to sleep at which point I sat and watched him struggle to breath until my phone alarm went off to get Alex up. Once Alex was at school I spoke to the doctors who fitted him right in. It’s not as if I am one of those paranoid mothers who is always taking their kids to the doctors (with the exception of asthma clinic Ali has never been in his life) As he has only ever been admitted to hospital before when paramedics have taken him, anyway the doctor prescribed some antibiotics and he has to use his inhaler and the preventer’s.

He is still feeling rough but sounding a lot better, tonight we will see if it’s helping in the meantime I wish all those mothers who send their germ ridden snotty kids to school would provide tissues and teach their kids how to use them or keep them off school.

To you they may just get a slight cold,  to me it is a lot more serious for my son,

it’s a matter of life and breath!