Goodbye Andy It’s been a pleasure knowing you.

Andrew Robert Smith
3rd August 1966 – 15th August 2014 – Always in my heart.

So goodbye my friend
I know I’ll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It’s okay now
Goodbye my friend

 

Today is a day I have dreaded ever since I heard the terrible news that I had lost a dear dear friend.
Today is the day we say goodbye…  Today is the day of Andy Smiths Funeral.  He will be missed so much.


Sleep has not happened so I’m sitting here counting down the minutes until noon when the service starts.

Not only have I lost a good friend, Alex has lost his godfather, The world has lost one of the nicest people ever.

e488f278473600b61f4076c81a9f7525 www.pinterest.com

The highs and low’s of this week

To say the last 7 days have been challenging would be an understatement.
I spend the majority of my time now driving the old man around to various appointment’s , shop’s and other places he either needs to go to or has to go to.
I get that he can’t get out now because he can’t drive
I get that he is lonely because he has NO friends but then neither did my mother, maybe is because they spent the majority of their life travelling around the world from one country to another and were never in one place long enough to make friends rather than acquaintances,
I get that I am the only person he has because quite frankly my older brother.  By 7 years,  is a total waste of space who has always made it clear even back to when my mother was alive that he and his wife (no kids ) as he put it to me when I last spoke to him “We Have a Life “.  so although he lives less than a mile from the old fart he doesn’t even call him never mind go and see him..  so that leaves me to do it all.
Apparently even with the work I do, the Volunteering, the kids, House, the pets, the Adult Education, and everything else… does not constitute anything as important as my brothers “life”
What my dad doesn’t get is that I can’t be with him from 8am or before If he had his way till 8 at night, when I say I have school runs and things to do he sulkslike a child..  so that brings me to the.  Low’s.
I live in a house with 3 adults in amber is over 21 now but still does fuck all, can’t even sort her washing or room out, I even posted a picture of her jeans with her draws still stuck inside them on facebook, ok she blocked me but the next morning her shorts with one leg inside out and another pair of jeans with socks stuck in the end were in the wash…. obviously nothing sinks in.
Next time everything goes straight in the bin..  I would say she should do her own washing but then I can see her buggering up my washing machine.. she cant even work out how to turn an oven on using the pilot light, so the washing machine is going to be way beyond her.  The advantage of her blocking me on facebook is the next time she leaves her knickers on the floor in the kitchen,  hair all over the bathroom, and bedroom a complete tip  (ok thats normal but when I ask her to do it I expect to be able to see carpet) as far as I can see now.. Everything Skanky  Is fair game.

Allan has done nothing lately apart from moan and do stuff for the scouts, so I lost it on Sunday. I will thrown away clothes etc that are still rolled together in the wash and Allan can start to pull his weight and put family first instead of everyone else .

All was helped better by some kind words from one friend (he may know who he is) and a visit around to see another friend and a pint and a half of wine, and a good old natter and whine.

I did walk there lol

The highs I received my certificate to say I had passed my teacher training course and that they want me to go in and take some exams on Friday well mock exams and if I pass them I can take my examination without having to do a years course ( personally I’m not holding my breath) but it will be nice to have a day without running him around even if it means I’m at the Adult education college instead.

We have our little visitor back this weekend as well so determined on how his trial run of the hike goes tonight depends on if I can go this weekend. Which was the cause of another argument because after last years hike and the problems we had with Ali this was the reason Allan was organising on this year and where does he choose, down country lanes near Milstead which has some very steep hills.

And here endeth  today’s rant

Footnote:  as I didn’t get to post this yesterday as I was on my phone and thought it had sent I now realise that you poor sods are going to get it all in one go today

So anyway Last night he did the hike and lo and behold… the walk was too dangerous and with hills to steep for beavers to use, in fact I was told that even the adults would find the terrain hard going.

So now the hike has been rearranged and they are going to do it locally and yes I can take the little one in the buggy so I will indeed be joining in..
Well hey I want my JOTT badge to sew on my blanket as well you know!

I so love being able to say   I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!

Things can only get better… right?!

This has been kind of a rough week.  I have not been having the best of luck lately

Worst week of my life. & I feel like my blog is the only place I have to go to bitch about it I can set the odd pissed off status on facebook but at least here I get the chance to say how I really feel, Im not one for those dramatic woe is me status updates, In fact the one thing that annoys me more than anything else is the suicidal attention seeking updates you see on a regular basis on facebook.

I have one friend in particular who does this at least every couple of weeks, I even told him once if he is going to kill himself could he do it quietly as ive lost interest now… Then I hid him from my wall lol

anyway as this is a me me me post.. back to me:

I haven’t been this miserable in so long. All I’ve wanted to do all week is fall asleep & not wake up. not in the suicidal sense but in the I really cant face another shit day… I need some good days..

 

I really don’t understand what exactly the universe has against me this week, but damn. I could have honestly just lay in bed and waited for Monday, because this clearly wasn’t my week. Each day I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, but I’ve done that the past five days and it didn’t help at all.

Seriously. I can’t catch a fucking break.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to remain stubborn and keep my mess close to heart. Not to say a word to a soul, Because I’m losing that feeling in my gut that soothes my dismal existence.

Because I want to hold onto something familiar despite thorns and sharp teeth.

Because nothing feels right and everything feels wrong.Even these words. Cluttered. Ambiguous. Cold. Distant. Inarticulate. 

Because it’s an endless cycle that’s left me reeling, violently grappling for steady ground.I feel nauseated with the business of arranging letters and organizing stuff Such a tiring affair. I’m drained

and I fear it’s beyond rejuvenation

Askayridnfweoitpqwnqlwiryhodadjfpweotubnaifwuyevfclahsdiuerktkfjkoiyiujbdjwtyquevmcnbvgczfhjsfpoiuytebnasdmnjhkfdfssasidyensnbcviwtybzjalairuepoowdfbkjdbcdwe!!!!!

It’s the closest I can get to having a good scream!!!!

 

What has put me in this down side you are probably wondering… well its a catalogue of things really.

I’m getting so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life lately. Obviously having read my blog about my step daughter you can see that this is getting me down big time… Allan is great don’t get me wrong.. I cant fault him, he is backing me up 100%… He is on her case constantly now.. to the point where despite the fact that she is driving me mad I’m starting to feel sorry for her… WTF??!!

 

Last weekend I was talking to my soulmate we were having a really in-depth chat which always brings me “up” and then I don’t hear from him this week, yes I know he is probably busy but still a simple hi wouldn’t hurt… ok yes he hasn’t been on facebook at all so its not just me he is ignoring. but still its the start of things going downhill as im wondering if I have done or said something wrong!

Ali Not being well also drained me… staying up with him one night and since then lying in bed listening to him cough all night and that paranoid checking on him in the middle of the night is taking its toll.. I feel exhausted… I cant sleep… even silly things are keeping me awake…

Procrastination is my middle name but then I lie awake thinking I must get that form off to the electoral roll for amber living here… I must go and pay that library fine I owe for over due books… I must return the meter reading form for the electric… I must contact the water board over the last bill before we went onto the water meter as there is a discrepancy… I never seem to get round to remembering these things in the day time but at 4am… they are top of the list of things on my mind.

 

The biggest cock up I had this last week was I lost my purse on Friday… .. I went to the chip shop to be honest in a lousy mood because of amber and something she had done that had peeved me. I got back home and Allan was clearing up Ali and changing him as the antibiotics he was given for his chest have given him the runs… and im looking for clean pants and towels etc while trying to dish the chips up to go with the pies I had in the oven cooking…

Now usually I always keep my purse in my bag and take my bag but as it was only going to the chippie in the car i just put my phone and purse in my pocket… I went I got to the chip shop I ordered a large chips and paid….

I remember getting home to the drama… that’s it.

Saturday I was making spag bol and I said to Allan we may need some onions… I went to get my purse from the side where the car keys were and my phone had been the night before as that’s where I thought I had put it and its gone… Allan had bowls so we both looked before he left and while he was gone I looked… I even searched through the bin in case I put it on the cooker top and it had been thrown away with the rubbish..

 

The problem is I had every spare penny we had in it… I had the gas bill money along with the gas card… I had the membership cards for us all for the swallows leisure centre and I had the bank debit card and a credit card in it… plus some other bits that I cant remember at the moment… I have another purse I keep all the cards in and just put in the ones I use at the time in my little purse.. so at least I haven’t lost driving licences and national insurance card etc

But its a big piss off all the same… thankfully we do on-line banking and Allan has another account so with the exception of the cash in the bank for direct debits i transferred everything over to that card so I can at least draw some cash out should I need to..

the credit card was maxed so that’s safe…….

we contacted the bank and credit card and they are sending out replacements.

I will contact the leisure centre tomorrow…

plus I will go to the chip shop and see if I left it in there while I was sitting waiting.. I’m not holding my breath of anyone handing it in not with the cash in it …

 

cards can be sorted but the cash we cant replace and to be honest we are skint at the moment anyway. so not sure what im going to do this week.. I need to top my phone up soon and cant even do that now… which kinda pisses me off….

 

I have a headache which has lasted the last two days and i mean big headache… we went out today to the Dover transport museum and instead of enjoying looking around I just had that thumping and feeling sick.

 

The boys are in bed now ready for school tomorrow and I have just remembered neither of them has done their home learning so wont be able to hand that in either.

Im tired I want to go to bed but cant face it yet..

 

so yes I have had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week what ever way you want to describe it.

 

Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and if you can’t see anything that could go wrong then you’ve obviously overlooked something.  Well I don’t think Murphy overlooked anything in our house this week. 

Things can only get better… right?!

 

The words of that song go round and round in my head.

 

I’m trying to be optimistic and really hope things can only get better!!

 

 

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In Memory of Michael Another year passes.

My Baby boy would have been 28 today 😦

Never forgotten and Always Missed.

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please, don’t look away

And change the subject, It’s ok.

You see at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk, come sit with me?

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail,

Broke from me.. My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

Everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say–

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Mum, she tells lies

She never did before.

From now until she dies,

she’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is,

And because she can’t explain,

She will tell a little lie–

She can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,

She’ll say “I am all right.”

If that’s the truth, then tell me

Why does she cry every night?

Ask my Mum how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn’t have a choice, you see,

Nor had the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,

“I’m fine; I’m well; I’m coping.”

For God’s sake Mum, tell the truth,

Just say your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life–

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

Here I am in Heaven,

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you, don’t listen;

Hug her, and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We’ll smile, and I’ll be bold,

I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mum,

With all the lies you’ve told!”

Im Struggling here!!

No Seriously I feel about 90 years old,
I cant even joke about this now, I’m losing the will to live..
Just as I thought I was getting better my chest has got bad again,
I can hardly walk, I’m in so much pain from my feet as well as my hips, I feel like I’m an old lady!
the only time I can shuffle around is if im wearing a pair of old plimpsols I had, but I cant go to bed in them…….. and when its time to get up the pain upon standing is unreal, Im back to popping pills again left right and centre 😦

This is not me……….. I dont like being the miserable one…  I may be a bad tempered bitch but I dont like wallowing in self pity… but ffs………….. Come One!! Enough Already!!

Allan was going to ask Andy for the wheelchair back that we lent to him when his mum had her accident over a year ago, but I so don’t want to use it as I know once I do I’m actually wondering if I would get out of it again!.
2012 is supposed to be the year of getting myself sorted but things seem to be getting worse by the day!

As you can tell again its 3.14 am and Im wide awake… Insomnia has crept back in….
Oh and Allan has man flu……….
Just want I need!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had one bit of good luck this week but not going to jinx it yet!!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired…

 

I must sound like a broken record. I know people must get sick of hearing about it, because I get sick of saying it,

Today, I am very sick, I feel like death. Yes I have been out for the last two days. Yesterday to go shopping and today I took the boys out to Hornby visitor Centre.. (more about that in another post)

It’s now been almost four months that I’ve been suffering with my Asthma flare up combined chest infection, There’s goodish days and bad days, there’s better but not perfect days and REALLY bad days. It does get to you after a while. You don’t have the energy you used to have, just going to a few stores and walking around gets you completely and utterly exhausted and can’t breath, My inhaler has become an oxygen tank, I can’t leave the room without it never mind the house.. There’s days when I really get depressed….but I try to think about the positives. , I am a stay at home mum I know A lot of people who are sick do not get that luxury. Many of them have to force themselves to go to work no matter how absolutely horrible they feel. I’m just trying to rest my body as much as I can, I stay away from going out in the cold air as that has given me trouble in the past, and I’m basically just waiting it out. until the warmer weather gets here or I can shake it once and for all. Problem is I will soon have to do the school run again… oh Joy!!

 

Some of the hardest days as a mum are when you are sick. You want to be a kid again and snuggle up on the couch all day. I am always taken back to when I was a kid, and had my mum waiting on me hand and foot all day long when I was sick. She would make tomato soup and anything else soft that could be swallowed easily if I had a sore throat, We would listen to the radio and sleep as much as I wanted. I miss being a child when I’m sick.

So what happens when Mummy gets sick? Well, we still have responsibilities, don’t we? Our husbands/Partners still go to work, we have to watch our kids and get their meals, take them to school, wash clean and later make sure they have been in the bath and then put them to bed. And we just have to push through being sick. But it’s not easy, I’m not going to lie. You can’t sleep in, or sleep all day, or just lay around the entire day. And you still are waiting on your kids hand and food while you’re sick.

No sick days for mummy. We can be sick, but we can’t call in sick.

 

It’s sickie season. I’m ready to be feeling better so my job as mummy is easier.

 

What do you do when you are really sick and your kids aren’t? Carry on that is what!!

Ok yes Allan has helped out as much as he can but I can’t expect him to do everything!

I wish it was as easy as saying

I have decided that tomorrow I WILL be better.

 

I have decided that I have a Love – Hate relationship with Christmas,

I LOVE the sounds, the smells the feel of Christmas.
I LOVE Putting up decorations and driving around looking at lights while singing the carols on the radio with the kids. Spending time with Allan and the Boys and watching Christmas DVD’s together.

I LOVE watching the look of surprise on the boys faces when they open all their parcels and oh boy do I make sure they have loads to open… Flash back to when I got hardly anything I guess.. I don t spend fortunes on them. These people who put themselves in debt all year just to give the kids silly money presents at Christmas amaze me..

Why do they do that???
Why spend fortunes that I bet they cant afford, Are they trying to buy their child’s love….. There must be a reason somewhere!!!
but I do go for quantity lol they get lots of little stocking fillers.. although maybe not as many this year as they are really not into “toys” now and are more geeky
I LOVE getting all my Christmas shopping done early and making sure that the boys do get what they have asked for  (within reason) for Christmas, and everything is not out of stock.

I LOVE making my own Christmas cake and Christmas puddings, These were made last October and we have just been feeding the cake since,
I LOVE making my own mince-pies and yule logs. I love being prepared for Christmas, Getting the presents early and making sure I have got everything I need… (I do confess to usually leaving wrapping everything up until Christmas eve or a few days before 😦

I LOVE seeing the boys faces in the morning when they see all their presents, I love seeing the magic of Christmas in their eyes!
I LOVE the idea of having a house full of people, just like you see on the Christmas films where there have the whole family over..

I HATE that people (mostly adults rather than children , And the worst culprits going are the Out Law’s) feel obligated to GET presents, make lists of what they want and turn it into the “stuff”. Allan’s Mum and Sister always make a want list…. and take my word for it.. not cheap stuff either.. they do this on birthdays as well,
That’s NOT what Christmas is.
I am not religious by any means but Christmas is not for adults to “Want Want Want”
I HATE miserable people dragging me down at Christmas. I have had to drag myself up and I intend to stay there..

I HATE the fact that I miss my oldest five children and now grandchildren I have never seen so much and that I will not be able to spend yet another Christmas with them. But I refuse to let this ruin it for the boys I have now. It took an old friend to pass a comment a couple of years ago , on how many decorations I put up all over the house and the fact that I had a huge tree in the dinning room, the front room and even one in the hall way, the house was all lit up in fact it was like a grotto, That made me come to my senses. I realised that the year before I hadn’t even got the decorations out of the attic. If another friend hadn’t brought round a little 2ft tree and a few balls on it I wouldn’t of even bothered putting decorations up.

I swore after that I would never get like that Again. The boys would have decorations.
I HATE the fact that we have a quiet christmas. I would love to have a house full of people again.
But not it’s only my Dad ,Allan, me, and the boys on christmas day usually, Although we do have the girls sometimes on Boxing day.. I have a feeling though this year it will only be Amber 🙄
I HATE the fact that I have had 8 ok 7 kids but never get a card from them, I know I said I don’t like the material side of things for Adults but It does hurt me that Allan didn’t ever bother getting me a little something that he had chosen with the boys for them to give me. I see friends saying about presents they have received off their kids and I feel that pang of hurt… I never got presents off my ex and now I never get anything off the boys… I’m not talking something that cost fortunes I’m talking something that would be a keepsake… a box of chocolates that both Allan and the boys eat because I don’t like them really doesn’t count!

And to totally contradict what I said earlier about having people round on christmas day.. I also hate HAVING to have my dad with us on christmas day… only because I do think sometimes my brother Paul who lives less than a mile away from me could have him round occasionally, But no my brother does christmas on his yacht in the South of France… because as he has so often said to me before when I have mentioned to him that it would be nice if he saw dad more… He does have a life you know!!
I HATE the fact that he does have a life and can do what he wants when he wants!
I HATE crowded shops and battling my way through the town and supermarkets especially when I have done all my Christmas shopping!
And Finally, I HATE the fact that the majority of people that mean the most in the world to me probably never even think of me on Christmas day