I love eBay……. here is another one….

It’s been quite a while since there has been a real gem of a post on eBay,  Yes I know there was that woman who made the loom dress but then everyone jumped on the band if you pardon the pun.. wagon and all used her picture as well and to be honest it didn’t get me motivated enough to actually blog about it, but this person well they have really caught my attention.. not sure how long it will stay on there so will copy and paste as well as the link

CHARITABLE TATTOO ADVERTISING SPACE ON MY UPPER RIGHT ARM you get 3×3 inches

Listed for charity

Please Bid It’s For A Great Cause

 1 2 3

Seller information

 

100% Positive Feedback

Item information

Item condition:
New
Time left:
4d 08h (17 Sep, 2014 02:58:39 BST)

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SET THE BIDDING OFF? THERE IS A RESERVE SO YOU WILL JUST BE SETTING IT OFF

Thisisnt a joke so please no fake bids please.

Higher the price higher the donation amount50% the money will be going to MNDA (Motor Neurone Disease Association)
as this is close to my heart at the moment, the other 40% will go to your charity of choice

Space on my upper right arm for tattoo advertising space!
no bigger than 3′ by 3′ (has to be there or i wont be able to get work) and nothing to rude please haha. Funny tattoos are fine just not rude!!

Only 23 now so will be there for years, plus can get it removed and put on display when i die! So basically its like 100 years of Advertising, the papers and news will pick up the story so the potential is endless. If you iust want to make me

Will get into news so theirs that as well 😀

This is genuine, not a joke. winning bidder will obviously have to provide the image and if they have a a preferred tattooist will have to supply transport.

Would be nice if someone would bid :DTattoo and size is up for negotiation, any queries email me on torkey@hotmail.com


On 03-Sep-14 at 22:57:54 BST, seller added the following information:

ANYTHING GOES JUST NOTHING PERVERTED

On 04-Sep-14 at 03:41:26 BST, seller added the following information:

This is not a joke i will be 100% going through with it if the money is made, with a tattoo of the winner choice, SO PLEASE START BIDDING!!!!!! offers like this dont come round very often and its a great one to snap ip


On 04-Sep-14 at 06:25:47 BST, seller added the following information:

Extra pictures added as requested, and yes i”m double jointed 😀


On 04-Sep-14 at 17:57:34 BST, seller added the following information:

Email address is actually Torkey2@hotmail.com sorry got it wrong in the description

Now this is the current bid.. I have no doubt it will go higher although I do wonder what the reserve he set was…… Maybe time will tell

 

Current bid:
£77.00

Reserve not met
7 bids ]
Enter £79.00 or more
Free postage
100% positive feedback
New condition
Postage:
Free Standard Delivery | See details
Item location:
NEW MILLS, Derbyshire, United Kingdom
Posts to:
Worldwide
Delivery:
Estimated by Mon. 22 Sep.  help icon for estimated delivery date – opens a layer
Payments:
PayPal Postal order/Banker’s draft  |  See payment information

Returns:
No returns accepted

 

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/CHARITABLE-TATTOO-ADVERTISING-SPACE-ON-MY-UPPER-RIGHT-ARM-you-get-3×3-inches-/231330939036?pt=UK_Collectables_Advertising_ET&hash=item35dc66009c

I have found the perfect soft toy for Ali

Every now and then you come across something that catches your eye and you sit there and think “you gotta be kidding” because you can’t believe anything like it was actually made, marketed and is wildly successful, but rarely you come across something that is all those things, and I’m going to tell you about it, when I stop crying and scratching my head.

 

Let me now introduce you now to Pee & Poo,  http://www.peeandpoo.com/
Not that you haven’t met before, but probably not in this way. Created by Swedish designer Emma Megitt as a college project, Pee & Poo became so amazingly popular that they have t-shirts and stuffed… no, not animals, (let’s just call them number one and number two, shall we?) better yet, t-shirts and plush pals were created to… um, cuddle with? They are meant to address body functions in an open and playful manner and have been an instant hit with kids and adults alike. Seriously?

304722_10200579490554729_1020530009_n

Okay, I suppose they can be used for toilet training, or for adults who enjoy a little “potty” humour, ok what kid would actually really want one of these stuffed……erm toys you say..

Well the answer is MY KID.

Seriously as soon as I saw them I know Ali would love them  remember he doesn’t do toys but loves soft stuffed toys  , I saw these posted on the internet as just as stuffed poo and had to google and google until I found out where they came from (please no comments I didn’t mean like that) .. I mean where you buy it from . Anyway I posted the link on Facebook and straight away a close friend of mine said that would be right up her sons street……. and then my sister-in-law said her son would like it..

three other friends who I know via a Facebook group contacted me, all asking if I could find out a local stockist… yep their kids would love it to…. What is the common denominator between all these kids apart from the fact that they are a little strange because we know they would love the pee & poo soft toys… The fact that All are Autistic in some way… How weird is that… Anyway I found somewhere I can get them.. of eBay… (you gotta love that place)

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_trksid=p5197.m570.l1313&_nkw=pee+and+poo&_sacat=0&_from=R40
so I have ordered a set and that’s another stocking filler put away for Christmas 2013 for Ali 🙂

Im loving eBay more and more each day I keep finding these old classics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://weddingdressguy.com/original_ebay_ad/ebaylisting.html 

This guy was so funny he ended up with his own website.

 

http://www.weddingdressguy.net/o

For Sale: One Slightly Used Size 12 Wedding Gown. Only worn twice: Once at the wedding and once for these pictures.

Make: Victoria

Style: 611

Size: 12

Divorce forces sale

I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, “That’s such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it.” So, this is what I’m doing. I’m selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didn’t so I got stuck with the bill. Luckily I only got stuck with his daughter for 5 years. Thank the Lord we didn’t have kids. If they would have turned out like her or her family I would have slit my wrists. Anyway, it’s a really nice dress as you can see in the pictures. Personally, I think it looks like a $1200 shower curtain, but what do I know about this. We tried taking pictures of this lovely white garment but it didn’t look right on the hanger as you can see, so my sister says, “You need a model.” Well, quite frankly my sister isn’t exactly small, (like a size 12 is?) so she wouldn’t pose for the picture. Seeing as I have sworn off women for the time being and I ain’t friends with any, it left me holding the bag. I took the liberty of blacking out my face – not to protect the ex-wife but to protect me from my bar buddies and co-workers finding out about it. I would never live it down. Actually I didn’t think my head would fit in the neck hole, but then I figured she got her Texas cheerleader hair through there I could get my head in it. Though, after looking at the pictures, I thought it made me look fat. How do you women wear this crap? I only had to walk 3 feet and I tripped twice. Don’t worry ladies – I am wearing clothes on underneath it. I gotta say it did make me feel very pretty. So if it can make me feel pretty, it can make you feel pretty, especially on the most important day of your life, right? Anyway, I was told to say it has a train and a veil and all kinds of shiny beady things. I think it’s funny that one picture makes it look like the chest plate off an Imperial Storm Trooper. Did I mention that all I want is a ball game and beer? Cheap at twice the price. Ladies, you won’t regret this. You may regret the dude you marry but not the dress.

Just a little side note – As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn’t be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work…


On Apr-26-04 at 10:38:31 PDT, seller added the following information:Well, the auction is a little over half over and I am just amazed. This thing has taken more hits than that pothead that lives in the next building. Man, oh man, if hits were bucks I’d be getting a suite at Safeco.

I also have received TONS of email. I don’t have the time to reply to all of them but I just want to let everyone know that I appreciate the well wishes.

Of the email I received:

Five or so were invitations to ball games in other states. Two of those were for little league games. Do they have those cushy executive boxes with the free chicken wings at those?

One email was from Scotland. It’s a good thing he wrote it because I wouldn’t be able to understand a word he said. Never did get through Braveheart.

Most were thanking me for the laugh. You’re entirely welcome. Five years of misery was well worth the hearty guffaw that was my pleasure to give you.

Oh, yeah. I also got three marriage proposals. Yes, you read it right – three marriage proposals. I feel like one of those mass murderers on death row. I never understood how the hell they got more chicks than I did. Now I know. They sold crap on eBay.


On Apr-26-04 at 23:45:56 PDT, seller added the following information:Holy Moly!

The hit counter is starting to look like the odometer in my truck! Not the new shiny black full-size 4-wheel-drive American pick-up that I had to part with, but the somewhat older, multicolored, lumpy, tiny, 2-wheel-drive foreign pick-up that belches smoke. A little something about that vehicle, though: it’s absolutely amazing! When I get inside it to go to the store, I am all depressed. But when I arrive at the store, I’m so freaking loopy from inhaling the fumes, I forget why I went there in the first place. I’m saving buckets of money. Of course, I will probably have to spend it all on the tuberculosis I will acquire, but hey, you can’t have everything.

I felt compelled to update this ad once more due to all of your emails. The first thing I have to say is thank you all for your support in my time of need. It was a truly harrowing experience. Some of you men know exactly what I mean.

Seeing as this has turned into my little public forum, I just want to address a few of the emails that kind of left me scratching my head.

I now have five marriage proposals. You would think my speaking of the ones I already got yesterday would have put a damper on it, but you women sure are persistent. One woman actually said she doesn’t want to marry me, but wouldn’t mind being my ex-wife. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Nope. No thanks, already got one. (Pssst. Didn’t I mention I had one? Who wants an ex-wife that can’t read? Now, I know what you guys are thinking – “If she can’t read, then the divorce would be smooth sailing.” Well, that would be all well and good but I didn’t say her ATTORNEY couldn’t read. You following me on this?)

Other emails are serious buyers asking about the dress. “How long is the train?” and “Does the gown come with the headdress and veil?” Yes, headdress and veil are included, but the do-rag stays with me. And if the train was long enough for my ex’s caboose, it’s long enough for yours. You will have to supply your own baggage, though. I gave mine to Goodwill.

There was this one woman who wrote, “You should have covered your tattoos. People will be able to recognize you, like on America’s Most Wanted.” HELLO!!! I’m a guy selling a dress. I’m not wanted for war crimes.

Some of your emails made me laugh. Like the bitter woman that wished she had her ex’s testicles to sell on eBay. I’m not too sure there’s a market for that, though. Then there was the guy that gave his wife’s wedding dress to the Salvation Army by mistake, thinking it was a Christmas tree. Guess he didn’t have any Christmas balls that year.

This has also been a learning experience for me. I got a lot of messages correcting me about the color of wedding dresses. For Russian Orthodox, they are blue. For Chinese they are red. Mexico has multi-colored ones. All I know is, for my next wedding I will be wearing a hairy, flesh-toned ensemble because I will be buck naked with a toe tag lying on a slab in the morgue because I would have killed myself.

A lot of folks were asking me if I wear women’s dresses a lot. I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever donned female attire. It’s also the first time I’ve been inside something feminine that didn’t nag me to take out the garbage.

It seems a few people have taken offense to my inferring a size 12 is big. One male even pointed out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Now, I would agree with you that size 12/14 is small if I lived elsewhere. But I live right here in the good old 48 Contiguous, where binging and purging is a way of life. American women do not want to be double digits in size. Just ask any woman what size they want to be. Invariably they will say five or seven. Wealthy will be the person that opens a store for Lane Bryant-sized women but sews size 7 tags on all the clothes.

On the flip side of that, I have taken offense to some of the people that told me I’m ugly and a loser. All I have to say is you’d be ugly too if you had a huge white blotch on your face. And as far as being a loser, I think you have it all wrong. I am such the winner. It isn’t every day an average guy can make 50,000 people laugh. Thanks to each and every one of you from the heart of my bottom.

Because of the high profile of this item, I am changing the listing to Pre-Approved Bidders Only. To be pre-approved, please contact me at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com and include “Serious Bidder” in the subject line of the email and I will return your email to pre-approve your bidding on the auction. Thank you for your interest.Woooooooohoooooo! What a wild ride! The emails are coming faster than the hits. And now personal appearances. First Star94 radio in Atlanta, then King5 in Seattle,now the Today Show with that I-used-to-be-a-fat-weatherman-but-now-I-am-as-skinny-as-Regis-but-twice-as-funny Al “I will turn this car around” Roker.
It is amazing; all this media hype. Hey, Al! Any relation to Roxy?
EBay has graciously allowed me to update this page once more. So I will keep it brief.

This one guy emailed me and said, “Hey, bud. What part of Texas do you live?”
Uh… Well, sir, I am from Seattle. Uh, Seattle, Texas.
Right next to AreYouAFreakingMoron, Texas, which is a hop, skip and jump from IWasEducatedByGeorgeBush, Texas. Thanks for asking, neighbor.

We have a website coming that everyone can check out. It will be up soon.

Please only bid if you are serious. Or really, really hot.

 


 

Oh yes eBay Again has another Classic…

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220819683349

My Dad’s Bunk Beds

I am posting this for my Dad, it’s not that he doesn’t have a laptop or that he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just much easier to call your son and ask him to do things for you.

They (Mother and Father) are wishing to give away a set of bunk beds, they are generally quite kind like that. Of late my grandmother has been staying with them every other weekend and it seems the choice of ‘top or bottom’ is too much for her to handle and so they are buying a new bed for her.

This is great for my grandmother but it sucks like an industrial vacuum cleaner for me since it now means only one of my children can stay over at any given time. That loud bang you just heard was my social life clattering to the floor like a deer who stared too long at the headlights.

It is because of this that I have decided not to list the beds on a free to good home site and instead sell them and keep all of the money for myself. I will of course be telling my father that I gave these away for free.

If you would like these bunk beds (I hope you don’t) they are available for collection from the Tollesby area of Middlesbrough, it’s quite affluent around there so please address my father as sir and curtsey for my mother, if my sister is there you can poke her in the face for all I care since she has done nothing to change their minds about getting rid of the beds.

The bed/s are of a metal construction finished in boring silver, quite honestly though they are a death trap and will almost certainly break apart and severely injure the first person to sleep in them.

The picture above is an illustration only, I really can’t be bothered going to his house to take a picture of bunk beds, if you don’t know what bunk beds look like then imagine taking one bed and putting it on top of another, then imagine the top one falling down and crushing the person below. 

For the uneducated, bunk beds are a bit like a double decker bus with no wheels, useless and only good for homeless people and pigeons. Sleeping in them is dangerous and the arguments over who gets the top bunk are inevitable. One such argument with my friend Russ aged 8 at the time led to him having a bruised back and facial laceration, and then I got vertigo and wanted the bottom one anyway.

So far as I know, the beds have never been used in a sexy fashion nor have they been used to hunt for ostrich. It’s possible though that my Dad once built a den underneath and pretended to be Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity, he won’t admit to this so don’t mention it.

The beds are in good condition but will make your house look really stupid and your friends will stop visiting. You will become lonely and very sad and in a desperate attempt to drag yourself out of depression may even begin watching Homes under the Hammer presented by Martin Roberts and Lucy Alexander, little will you know that this will push you deeper in to the depths of loneliness and insanity. But at least you have the bunk beds, right!

Due to the size of the bunk bed you will most likely require a Russian built Antonov An-225 aircraft in which to collect it, a picture of which I have included. Sadly my father’s house lacks the appropriate equipment to refuel you for your return flight. It doesn’t have a runway either which makes the previous sentence somewhat worthless but I had an itching desire to type the word ‘refuel’. If you have a Ford Escort Estate or similar you might still be in with a chance but I doubt it. 

My Dad will most likely dismantle the beds for you or more likely will call me to come and do it for him. I will certainly and intentionally lose at least 7 vital components rendering the beds utterly unsafe for human use, they will in fact be so dangerous that even the scrap man will think twice about taking them from you, and let’s face it, those scavengers would take bird flu infected land mines off you.

As with all good beds there is a monster underneath it, this is guaranteed to keep your children petrified and the mattresses forever soaked in urine. It goes without saying that the monster will also provide you with endless sleepless nights and a larger electricity bill owing to the fact that their bedroom light must remain on FOREVER!!!!! I will be pleased to inform your children of the monster when they come with you to collect the bed.

Anyhow, if you want them you can have them, just bid but remember if Dad asks they were free. (Look in to my eyes, you are feeling sleepy, you are in a safe place, listen to my voice YOU DON’T WANT THEM you are now a chicken, chickens don’t sleep in bunk beds. And awake.)

If you bid on these bunk beds then this child will have to sleep in a box in Evil Dad’s/Evil Grandad’s garage covered only in old newspapers and a tiny bit of left over carpet from the stairs

Oh yeah, this is a bit unconfirmed but I heard a rumour that the bed frame is made from recycled and unexploded hand grenades. If you are one of those people that wants to die in their sleep then take your chances with these ex-military (unconfirmed) Weapons of Mattress Destruction.

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: I have placed a bid on this item, however i was wondering if there may be the opportunity to ‘buy it now’- are you willing to settle a final price for the furniture now? Thanks, Henry 26-Jul-11
A: You steal my child’s bed and then have the audacity to want it sooner. I like your style. No.
Q: Will your mother be upset if I curtsey to your father and call her Sir? 26-Jul-11
A: Probably. Go for it.
Q: Hi, would you consider a swap for an old air bed. It only has one small puncture and providing you don’t sleep in late will stay sufficiently inflated to avoid contact with the floor. No monsters included 26-Jul-11
A: I laugh in the face of your offer. Hmm Hmm coff engage French accent…Herrr herrrr herrr ha.
Q: So, why no answer to your Grandma’s stash of obsolete £20 notes.Visiting Dad to have a quick check??? Did the said Grandparent have a monster experience? 26-Jul-11
A: In an effort to look thoroughly awesome and stinking rich I took them to a posh night club and smoked them one by one until I pulled.
Q: Will you ship to the US? I have an adolescent son very interested in these beds owing to the monster under it. He wonders if your monster speaks English… American English, not the good kind, will it tolerate teen boy funk(odor), and do we need to pay extra to ship the monster. Also, can it be shipped with the beds or do we need to purchase a seat on a flight? Warn your monster about the TSA in the United States…they are fond of groping. We don’t want the monster to arrive traumatized. Thank you! 26-Jul-11
A: Apparently I can no longer be trusted with international mailing, pffft one alarm clock, a roll of sausages, a bundle of wires and an xray machine gets everyones knickers in a twist.
Q: In case you do sell the aforementioned bunk beds and the samll child has to sleep in the box in the garage you may be interested in a large amount of spare carpet with we have in our loft and in addition to the carpet there are also rolls of wallpaper should you want to spruce up the box 26-Jul-11
A: Would be easier if I just sent you the child, you sound equipped to handle things.
Q: http://www.reddit.com/r/reddit.com/comments/j03wm/why_you_should_not_ask_your_son_to_do_a_job_he/ you have a funny family sir. 26-Jul-11
A: You know too much, your brain will be wiped whilst you sleep.
Q: Is that monster the type that steals ones dreams by placing the tip of his scaly fingers in the waxy orifice of children’s ears? If so, can you confirm that the top bunk is sufficiently far from the monster to avoid this issue, or does my friend Gerry have to sleep on the bottom bunk to act as some sort of sacraficial ear? Very Best Regards, Duncan 26-Jul-11
A: I regret to inform you that the monster hotline is now closed. If your question is urgent or if you are currently experiencing a monster attack, press 1 now for our out of hours team. Alternatively please repost your question between the hours of 8am-4pm.
Q: Do you accept barter? I can claim the highest vocal pitch of any male chorister in the UK post 1971 and would be willing to teach you how you can sing at similarly high pitches. Alternatively, I could pay in debased currency (Roman or French) 26-Jul-11
A: I had a similar experience with man skin and a jeans fly zipper once. I need no help or reminders of that day thank you.
Q: How many asylum seekers would I be able to accommodate on here? And, as it was previously used by your Grandmother, approximately how many out of circulation £20 notes are stashed in the mattresses? 26-Jul-11
A: An asylum seeker has more redeeming features than this bed. I have my suspicions that this bed made it across the UK border and has been claiming disability living allowance for 7 years whilst owning and working in a pizza shop.
Q: Hi, would it be possible for you to delivery to a small island in the Pacific? I will of course re emburse [up to £1] the cost. Also are the bunk beds suitable for bunking up to 6 adults? they look quite strong. Regards, Phil 26-Jul-11
A: I asked Michael what he thought about your question and he said “Grrrrreerrreeerrrr” you have been warned!
Q: Hello, can you please confirm if the bunk bed meets both BS EN 747-1:1993 and BS EN 13453-1:2004 standards? I would class myself as an “Extreme” bunk bed user and as such, I need to know I can depend on the bed, especially when performing high speed stunts as well as those involving fire and dogs. Can you finally advise if the bed is supplied with slippers and if so, is it 2 pairs? Kindest Regards Andy 26-Jul-11
A: Since my subscription to ‘Bedroom Furniture Standards Monthly’ ran out recently I am unable to confirm this for you. This bunk bed is not for you, how about a nice hammock.
Q: Hi. Another monster query. Is the monster pic for illustrative purposes only and can you guarantee the monster will only scare my kids (after finding out there’s no Father Christmas or Tooth Fairy they’re inclined to think I lie to them frequently) and not steal my chocolate Hobnobs or Maryland Choc chip cookies? Also do your parents have a wardrobe complete with monster they’re prepared to sell/give away? Many thanks, Trix 🙂 26-Jul-11
A: You cheeky swine, that’s a picture of my grandmother! I hope your kids are cookie shaped!
Q: You have made my day, thanks for the laugh!! 26-Jul-11
A: You made mine too, now we are equal and not a burning bra in sight!
Q: Would the bunk beds fit into a mint green ford focus? 26-Jul-11
A: Only if said Mint Green Ford Focus had been converted to a hearse, used for a long time then decommissioned and sold off at auction to a member of the public uninterested in funeral directing but on the look out for a really crappy set of bunk beds that would one by one pick off members of his/her family.
Q: I like to eat cheese on toast for supper but was told by my late mother that if I ate cheese before bed it would make my feet smell like mature cheddar and the mice would smell it and come and eat my toes while I slept. Do you think if I slept on the top bunk the mice would would be able to get up there and eat my feet? 26-Jul-11
A: Firstly, I think your late mother should be charged with crimes against humanity and sentenced to a life time of watching day time TV, for the love of god is it any wonder kids don’t want to go to bed! Personally I think its safe to say you can smash as much cheese in to your food hole as possible and zero mice will eat your feet off regardless of horizontal height.
Q: What colour is the monster? 26-Jul-11
A: Hello, the monster is the colour that most scare the living bejeeezus out of your child the most.

You really have to love eBay.. And they say never trust a woman scorned…..

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de#ht_602wt_1139

For those who cant be bothered to click the link this is the description its a classic…

Mens Pop White Storm Watch

Seller information

Member ID boogieandcookie

If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

The watch has a trustworthy and comforting rubber strap, in white, which is more than you can say for my girlfriend who can’t be trusted for five seconds and is about as comforting as having a lung removed. The face is clear and consistent white with simple minimalist design however my girlfriends face is covered in freckles, fake tan and has an unsightly mole just under her right eye.

This item is presented in a red gift box and is powered by a Storm battery but I no longer have the box or the instructions, still could be worse, my girlfriend unfortunately no longer has anywhere to live.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me – Oh how extravagant of her -“Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I’ll go to Covent Garden to the Storm shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve” By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that’s what I said she should be in the circus. “Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart”

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend’s body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus – LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS – As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.

Q: Hi Boogie, I trust your judgement and, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ? 22-Jul-11

A: Scratches chin, it really depends on if it is an Armstrong outboard motor bracket, I have found those tend to be the most resilient. Normally most useless cracks need be replaced, filling one almost always leads to additional expenditure later.

Q: Hi there boogie!! My mate just emailed me the link to your listing and I just had to message you my thanks! I have been feeling pretty crap today (no job, skint, blah blah..)and your writings (including the Q & A’s) had me roaring laughing! If you’re really out of work, you should most definately consider some form of comedic writing online/internet marketing/website referrals etc. for a living, as you have a great gift for it – I reckon you would rake it in!! All the best Stacy 22-Jul-11

A: Well thanks, I am sure that Top Gear, FHM, Men’s Health, Maxim, The Sun, The Times or Anglers Weekly will beat a path to my door should they feel that they are lacking a dark cynical wordsmith who can actually spell Lathe to swoop among them.

Q: Just an honest question about this watch as worn by offensively rich footballers. When you wore it did you have urges to throw yourself on the floor and scream ‘foul’ at all? And did you find yourself attracted to hugging lots of sweaty men? Your comments about your ex I consider to be ‘wartist’. You can get treatment for this – but why bother. 22-Jul-11

A: That is almost synchronicity – You know I did. I found myself feeling odd wearing the watch. I was compelled to spit in a very manly fashion and shout “man on” a lot. My friends thought this was normal, until I was compelled to purchase a Bentley GT and create a creative and brilliant nickname from a private number plate, you know like when you take the numbers and letters and make a word out of them.

Q: although you ended up with the hairdressers watch, i think steve should sell his quality watch and buy a better car with the proceeds, after dumping size uk-9 moley chops that is…. i presumed you both went on a date first, i understand that people dont check the size of each others feet on a date but if she is in proportion with the rest of her body she must have hands like jeff capes and an batty like rusty lee, well done for getting rid of her, although, by the sounds of it she wont be too bothered, she wasnt thinking of you when your ex boss was eating her. Good luck fella, im sure you will one day meet the woman of your dreams, mole free, normal feet an all tha caper 😉 22-Jul-11

A: Women NEVER show you their real feet on dates, everyone knows you have to do at least 3 dinners, 2 gifts, send her a poem, walk over hot coals, eat nails, join Cirque as human fire ball, play for a local small football club and appear in JLS before even thinking about going there.

Q: Hello there, I know this is a really random question but is this a real sale. I LOVE the description of it by the way 🙂 Thanks, Laura 22-Jul-11

A: Yes it is.

Q: I am Nigerian Prince hope for inherit USD45m, but need watch. Are you consider sending watch on approval? This is big opportunity – just need watch. 22-Jul-11

A: Oh Hello Nigerian. Sure where would you like me to send the watch, if you are short of food or any other resources such as live ammunition I might see if I have any in the shed for you.

Q: This watch will go down a storm….. when the cat got sucked into the lathe, I assume you were quick enough to turn on the coolant to stop any heat build up and damage those expensive tungsten tipped tools. have youe ever though about knuling a pidgeon on that thing you’d have to drop the speed to a low gear for this operation? 22-Jul-11

A: No that did not occur to me. Thank you.

Q: Could you get in touch with her just one more time and ask her if I can purchase the hairy eye wart so as to make a paper weight for my desk. Im willing to buy instead of Bid. 22-Jul-11

A: I will ask her but I know she is using some skin care products which are GAURANTEED to remove reduce or change the blemish after only 40 Bottles at £39.80 each used precisely at 0331hrs GMT for a period of no less than 1000 days.

Q: are you aware that your ad is now all over twitter and facebook? could you, perhaps, turn it into a play for radio 4? good luck with your sale and with finding a new, unblemished, girlfriend. 22-Jul-11

A: A play on Radio 4 – Let me think of a title – “What the F is that on your face” – starring Ronnie Corbet

Q: I will be moving to Essex soon as part of a “promotion” with my work. If I wear this watch will it make me more attractive to the lovely ladies of Essex? 22-Jul-11

A: Genius indeed it will, well spotted. Perhaps if you like you could also add a generous serving of St Tropez cream to your arm, this will create a better contrast, illustrating the white more prominently whilst drawing attention to your beautiful hard earned iron forearm flexor muscles. The combination of the white sports watch and brown muscular arm form is sure to establish both your sportiness and subsequent attractiveness to all females.

Q: Can you confirm that i won’t catch thrush from any part of that watch if i was to purchase it? 22-Jul-11

A: I can confirm the watch has been only on my thrush-less wrist twice. Besides those bullet shaped hero’s are for a myriad of pelvic support defects. Including stress urinary incontinence. ( well I wasn’t going to say anything )

Q: Why did you go out with an ugly girl? 22-Jul-11

A: She was not ugly with the patch I bought her.

Q: love the watch……… but what was you doing with a size 9 feet wearing sasquatch with a moley moley face!!!! sounds like you are better off out of it LOL. Hope you use the proceeds to buy the cat a fake tail and leg as she sounds like she wont let you down like the ex did!!!! 🙂 22-Jul-11

A: Well it wasn’t until we she first wore her oh-so-attractive-female-enhancing-gladiator-sandals that I first noticed the gargantuan nature of her feet. When I was first presented with them in these ingenious shoes we were on holiday. Children were pointing, some cried, by that time it was too late.

Q: I am a grey Ford Focus and while I understand your pain may I respectfully ask that you do not deflect your hurt on to innocent vehicles. I can not choose who drives me. I may lack va va voom but I have feelings. Please do not tar us all with the same primer brush. 22-Jul-11

A: Thank you for your email Grey. I have to say I am saddened to have caused you so much discomfort. Added to the looks of disgust confusion and dismay you must already endure about your daily drives, I feel this was rather unfair of me. I also noted that you chose to keep your complaint neutral rather like your finish. Neutral. Neither here, nor there. Just Neutral so I appreciate that.

Q: I’ve searched through ebay and can’t find and Laithe Cat screens for sale. Perhaps you should pursue this market as a new career now that you are in need of a job. I would suggest something in clear perspex with matching on button shield. 22-Jul-11

A: If only I had a Lathe cat screen, mine and many millions of other animals would not be hurt in such a horrific way. I’ll call the Red Cross.

Q: Dude I don’t live in Swindon but I feel I should leave the comfort of Wales to buy you a beer just as soon as I can because you have made my day. I’m sorry for your strife. Good luck finding new job, with the lack of skilled machinists these days I’m sure you shouldn’t have too much trouble. 22-Jul-11

A: That is very kind of you thank you for your Welsh comfort. Will you be charging me a toll for that?

Q: I think you should give Steve a break, i’ve heard hairy, big footed slappers are very hard to resist? 22-Jul-11

A: Ha. You are quite right. It is never the mans fault in these cases. Women have special venom pheromones that blind their prey from rational thought rather like a spider.

Q: Hi, because the watch does not have a box can you put it in with the pessaries and send those as well? 22-Jul-11

A: I can arrange that yes. Good Question. This would be particularly cunning for Customs and Excise as I am not sure there is import tax for “soothing genital medication”.

Q: Hi … the watch sounds great, one question, were you wearing it when you punched Steve? How much for postage to Australia? We cant have you and Judy starving. 22-Jul-11

A: If it goes to Australia it might not work, because in Australia time goes backwards, things are upside down and there are Dingos that steal babies, and watches on every street corner. But I would assume £10 which is approximately 81,000 of your Australian Dollars.

Q: You are probably the best person around. Never read anything remotely funny on ebay before. Don’t ever change and I’m SURE you will do much better than whats-her-face. The watch is kinda ugly ps…as a woman I would advise you to never wear anything completely white – horrible. You rock! xo -Bonnie 22-Jul-11

A: Thanks Bonnie. It’s ok I will join Bachelorplace or Adultfreakfinder or something I will be fine, cause apparently they have tons of real girls in my town waiting for me, tonight, in my town, tonight, for me – tonight in my town. PS – Its not that UGLY – white watches are actually in for men. I saw a football player wearing one.

Q: Hey, Whats your Ex’s name and number?? ;P 22-Jul-11

A: Her name is “Lumpy faced prostitute” and you will find her telephone number now duly posted in every phone box in W1.

Q: I like the look of the watch but I’m worried your skanky wart face mole ex may have hexed this watch. To your knowledge is she a practicing evil witch or was she a witch in a past life?? 22-Jul-11

A: Interesting view point. I did note that sometimes she would sit in a dark room looking at the watch rocking back and forth but I thought this was normal for someone with mental disturbance.

Q: Let’s face it, I have to hand it to you for answering these questions time and time again. This is the second time I’ve told you to stop you continue to tick me off by going in to minute detail. I’m sorry, I’m only winding you up. Note: This post may contain time related puns. Some of which are the worst puns of all time. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes but you forgot to watch the item.

Q: Sorry about your girlfriend dude.. I hope you find a new/better one. Don’t take her back or else the problems will be worse! 22-Jul-11

A: It is funny you say that. Mine was trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. She has mastered the: “What do you mean who am I talking to on Skype at 3am, its my friend Julie, don’t be so paranoid, god men are so paranoid, I will leave you if you are paranoid, you are so possessive, I hate possessive men who don’t approve of me flirting with everyone but saying I am not”

Q: Is there a matching white suit to go with this? If so, how much for the whole package. Also, you girlfriend came home late last night, was she with you by chance? Just trying to get my facts straight… Also will you ship to Thailand? 22-Jul-11

A: Oh no. I don’t think she wants to go back from Thailand – she promised to love me long time should I agree to pay for everything.

Q: Evening! I just happened across this auction, from a little (big) site known as Reddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iw0d2/best_ebay_product_description_ever/ I’m afraid I agree with you about the style so I shan’t be bidding, but I can buy you a damn beer coz I see you’re in Swindon… as am I! Promise I’m nothing to do with this Steve bloke though…as a rule I avoid Focus drivers. Good luck with the auction mate. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes there is something distinctly ordinary about a Focus in grey. It is neither Silver nor white, it is just grey. “Hi, do you like my car?” “Yes what colour is it?” “It’s primer” “Brilliant cleaning that must be a joy”

Q: I’m very sorry about your cat. Hug her for me. 22-Jul-11

A: Ah, that’s a shame but she is cat who is trained in Krav Maga. Sadly the postman lost an eye from hugging her once.

Q: Sorry about your girl and your boss. I will bid for this watch then burn it and bury the remains on a sunny beach in california. I hope your cat will enjoy some food. 22-Jul-11

A: Interesting idea. Is this beach patrolled often by police, as I rather have another item I was planning to bury there.

Q: How exactly does a cat get into a lathe accident? Oh, and nice watch… 22-Jul-11

A: Well as it happens I enjoy some social woodturning, metalworking, metalspinning and glassworking, it helps me relax. There is nothing quite like milling, grinding and fashioning a peice of metal from one shape, to a slightly different one. The transformation is quite rewarding. One day. I was shaping a piece of scrap metal from the tip into a beautiful swan on my new lathe. My cat had not seen the lathe before and whilst I was on a break she began to rub herself on the machine. I watched as I found this was quite endearing, but she accidentally switched it on with her paw.

Q: I felt like you should know that. Steve sounds like an asshole. 22-Jul-11

A: Thank you. I tore him a new one.

Q: hi great story can you add pics of both steve and ugly ex girlfriend thanks that would help in making a purchase 22-Jul-11

A: Steve is rather sadly bludgeoned quite badly and as a result images of him – are about to be uploaded, images of my fat thigh Evans clothes wearing big tall Sally however are likely to disturb small children and dogs.

Q: Hi there, are you boogie or cookie 🙂 22-Jul-11

A: Well actually I am boogie its a pet name. Cookie was the pet name for my ex girlfriend. I am called Boogie as I like to dance, she is called Cookie as the she has a cookie sized giant freckle on her right bosom.

Q: Are there any pictures of the original purchaser available? Purely for research purposes you understand. 22-Jul-11

A: Yes as a matter of fact there are – we once did some close up shots of her EYE MOUND for Dr Pakindoedoe – He wanted them to show his medical dermatological students how incredibly ugly it can be to be afflicted in this way he then passed them to be displayed in section 3C of the Natural History Museum in London, next to the lava beetles.

Q: Is the laithe for sale? 22-Jul-11

A: Hahahhahahahahahah

Q: The watch seems to have an honest face, however the original purchaser seems to be two faced – can you guarantee that he watch isn’t lying when it tells the time. Oh sorry to hear about your job. And the cat. 22-Jul-11

A: As the watch is male, I can confirm that it is not a lying female watch that will end up in your bed with someone else the moment you take it off your wrist.

Another fantastic post on eBay..

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220768216260&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fshop.ebay.co.uk%3A80%2F%3F_from%3DR40&_trksid=p5197.m570.l1313&_nkw=220768216260&_sacat=See-All-Categories&_fvi=1&_rdc=1

for those who cant see the link

2001 FORD FOCUS GHIA 1.8 Zetec Very Clean Interior
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2001 FORD FOCUS GHIA 1.8 Zetec Very Clean Interior

Item condition: Used
Ended: 16 Apr, 201117:01:54 BST
Winning bid: £1,080.00
Postage: Read item description or contact seller for details.See more services  See postal discounts  |  See all delivery details
Item location: Middlesbrough, Cleveland, United Kingdom
Post to: United Kingdom

Seller information

100% Positive feedback

Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec Ghia Mint Green (Possibly works underwater but this is unconfirmed)

If Trebor made car paint then I imagine it would look something like the colour of this car, it’s a pale minty green. I will include some green Trebor mints in the sale so that you can compare for yourself. Please specify if you would prefer Extra Strong mints instead, they are white (unlike the colour of this car) but I personally prefer them even if I do hold them partially responsible for the decay in one of my teeth.

I took this car in part exchange along with some cash for another car I was selling. I didn’t really want it but I wanted the car I had less and since I am a valeter by trade I saw potential in this.

The engine is sound as can be, the gearbox is a dream, it steers like it’s on rails and all of the features and electricals work as designed. It’s the Ghia model (what does ghia even mean?) so has a bunch of extras such as heated front windscreen, air con, electrically adjustable front seats and an upgraded dash.

Inside its quite lovely, dark and mysterious but shiny and clean. I would feel quite happy to host a business conference inside it. Refreshments could be served through one of the electrically operated windows. Drinks could be placed in 1 of the 2 available cup holders. If your business meeting was for more than 2 people then some of the participants may have to hold their drinks, they might whinge a bit because of this but just remind them that in some parts of the world they haven’t even invented drinks yet.

Nothing nasty to report about the inside of the car, no rips or scuffs, its very tidy actually. I have been driving this minty little number around for a few days now and I was surprised how nice it is to drive and have opted to drive this rather than my Mondeo. OMG I am such a liar, I just remembered that the passenger side door handle is a bit scruffy, that’s all though.

It’s a Ford Focus from 2001 which is exactly 1 year after 2000 when the world didn’t end and VCRs continued to work. I didn’t do much that New Years eve, not because I was afraid an airplane would fall out of the sky and land on me, I just fancied a quiet night in with my girlfriend of that time, I say girl’friend, she was nearly 40 but a proper sporty little thing, bit ugly but perky where it counted. I myself am no beauty box so us both being a bit ugly I never had and insecurities that she would run off with my best friend lol. But she did about a year later! He left his wife, went a bit mad, got sectioned then released, turned out to be an alcoholic and now has pancreatitis, all is well that ends well.

The alloys on this MINT GREEN (it’s not blue or black or red or any other colour, deal with the fact that its mint green to avoid disappointment. If you thought maybe it was silver but the sunshine in the photos made it look a bit green you were wrong) are in genuinely good condition. I gave them a quick tickle with an alloy cleaning brush but they need a better clean than that but since I am quite busy trying to get in to the girl next doors knickers I can’t be bothered. The plastics are all nice and black, the tyres are all insanely named cheap brands but have good tread on them. I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.

The windows are unbroken glass, have no chips and critically are transparent unlike bricks which are not often used as a window making material, they are tinted at the back so if you take that lass from the chippy up the hills you can do what you like in the back and won’t be seen. Unless someone looks through the windscreen and then the games up and the pillar box is down.

It’s done 107K miles which is much further than I can run and I wouldn’t even attempt to run that far not even for comic relief or children in need unless there was a cash incentive then I would consider it and work out some way to cheat. It would be an elaborate cheat including most likely a helicopter and several disguises, somewhere I have a dress up banana suit which I have only used once so I would probably try to get some more use out of it since I think it cost me about £60 a few years back.

The exterior of the car is generally in pretty good condition, there is some surface rust under the rear wheel arches (not that bad) and its had a small ding on the rear which has been tarted up a bit and doesn’t look that bad. There are a couple of places (arches, rear bumper) that have been resprayed in places probably due to surface rust in the past. I say resprayed, it actually looks like it’s been done by a drunken blind clown at night hanging upside down from a moving giraffe. Honestly, Ghandi could have done a better job slapping paint on with his flip flops. Estimated cost to have this resprayed by someone that isn’t mentally incapacitated is about £150-200 but who knows, maybe you aren’t the picky type and just want a motor that runs well, is comfy and proper posh on the inside.

It’s got MOT and Tax until July and I really can’t see any reason why it won’t fly through its next MOT (apart from the fact that cars don’t fly, be cool if they did)

Aside from the couple of dodgy resprayed bits this is a very decent car that runs beautifully but is green.

 

Any inspection, test drive, pretend flight is more than welcome. If you don’t want to drive it you can just sit in the driver’s seat and I can make engines noises but there will be an additional fee for this. I can also make airplane noises my Airbus A380 is very impressive, helicopters are harder but I can try if that is your thing.

You can see from the pictures that overall this is a bang tidy motor and you have my word it drives well. If this doesn’t sell I really couldn’t care less, I will keep driving it around not pulling birds. I don’t need to sell it but if you want it you can buy it.

Don’t forget its fathers day soon! What do you buy the dad who has everything? Well if he has a crazy a$$ large desk you could buy him a full scale replica ford focus 1.8 zetec ghia paperweight. If you know someone like Doc Brown for the back to the future trilogy maybe they could make you a remote control lie the one he had for the DeLorean DMC-12 which would be way awesome!


Update, Tuesday 12th April: < I like this colour I just pretended to get off with myself in the back seats, I had someone confirm that they could see me. This unfortunately means the windows are only lightly tinted and it isn’t privacy glass. Also worth mentioning that this car runs on petrol which can be bought at ‘petrol stations’, if you are unfamiliar with these then ask someone for directions to a place that sells over priced cold sausage rolls. 

I can confirm that the petrol low light works, it just came on.

Also I just took delivery of a docking station for my laptop, the box it came in is surplus to requirements as I have plenty of other empty boxes. I will include this box in the sale at no extra cost. Finally for today, I think a pound coin fell out of my Bermuda shorts and has lodged itself somewhere under the drivers seat, if I don’t find it before the car sells you can have this too. Dont be disappointed if its only 50p though, it sounded like a pound but could have been a 50.


On 12-Apr-11 at 12:09:28 BST, seller added the following information:

Last night I bought a multi-pack of ready made bovril drinks, just sipping at one now. I want to share the warmth so will leave one of my bovril drinks in one of the 2 cup holders for the winning bidder. You can choose which holder, left or right, but you must supply your own hot water.


On 12-Apr-11 at 13:24:01 BST, seller added the following information:

Sorry, the free cardboard box is no longer available. I used it to make a Flux Capacitor. I have now installed this in the Mint Green Ford Focus. It is untested and not covered in anyway by Ford warranty. When I go to buy a sausage roll later I will put some more petrol in and then zip her up to 88mph. If successful I will go back in time to catch the moron that touched up the arches and paint him mint green then ask him how he likes it! I will also go to McDonalds in the early 90’s when they still served root beer and stock up. I miss their root beer.


On 12-Apr-11 at 14:10:26 BST, seller added the following information:

The reserve is Ssssssshhh! £800 or if you prefer to look at it another way, thats 800 items from a pound shop.


On 12-Apr-11 at 23:16:56 BST, seller added the following information:

Bad news, my attempts at time travel have been brought to an ugly full stop. I just remembered that the speed limit in th UK is 70mph so I cant reach 88mph. Probably just as well, have you seen Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure? Napoleon was a bit of a handful and I dont have the time to baby sit him. Good news though, my pal was let off with a caution after his dog attempted to hump an old lady that collapsed recently. He was trying to get her in the recovery position and Floyd (the dog) thought it was a game. Someone didnt see the funny side and reported the incident to the police.

Did I mention this car has a leather steering wheel? Probably not suitable for vegetarians – not sure? I dont speak vegetarian so cant ask one.

On 13-Apr-11 at 08:27:55 BST, seller added the following information:

It is with great sadness that this morning I must inform you that the mint green ford focus has been poo’d on by a bird. I have had a quick look around the neighbourhood and there was 2-3 birds that looked a bit guilty, I have issued them with verbal warnings but on this occasion I am not prepared to perform DNA testing.

I will remove the offending poo splash with my high power jet wash, I know its high power because I once shot my friend in his marble collection and I swear he had tears in his eyes. I once hid 2 sachets of brown sauce in his wallet and then forgot about it for at least 2 months until he called me from work saying words that would kill a nun instantly. The sachets had finally burst making it look like he had gone to the toilet in his pants, he wasn’t allowed to go home and change so spent the whole day soiled.
Speaking of contortion-ism, I confirm I can not wrap my leg around the entire circumference of the time machine ford focus, I hope this does not affect the final auction price.

On 13-Apr-11 at 08:55:39 BST, seller added the following information:

From: iphad
To: pistolfeet
Subject: Other: iphad sent a message about 2001 FORD FOCUS GHIA 1.8 Zetec Very Clean Interior #220768216260
Sent Date: 13-Apr-11 07:43:58 BST
Dear pistolfeet,Hola,I was wondering if you had pictures of the ‘girl next door’ and if they will be supplied upon viewing of the motor vehicle, if not will she be around for me to spy on?Much love

– iphad

Dear iphad,

Thank you for taking the time to ask about my untested mint green time machine ford focus. I can neither confirm or deny the existence of said photographs however my mum has an old cooking book which has drawings of happy looking 1940s women mixing things in bowls. If I can smuggle a page or two out of her house then I could supply these instead. Do you like home made sponge cake or trifle most? Miss Cookies is my favorite, she has a cheeky smile.

– pistolfeet


On 13-Apr-11 at 10:45:16 BST, seller added the following information:

I have added a diagram to photobucket which details my future plans for the Mint Green Ford Focus if it fails to sell. They are not protected by any patents so you may copy them if you wish but I advise against doing these modifications to a Fiat Uno because they get very rusty and could not sustain the additional weight, and lets face it, Fiat Unos are a bit rubbish.

On 13-Apr-11 at 13:44:45 BST, seller added the following information:


On 13-Apr-11 at 14:18:12 BST, seller added the following information:

This is how I would imagine it be to go shark fishing in a mint green ford focus:


On 13-Apr-11 at 14:35:26 BST, seller added the following information:

There is a bee stuck under my summer house and its driving me nuts buzzing around. I tried coaxing it out with a bit of cheese and a jam scone but its having none of it. Ford Focus’s (especially mint green ones) have an inbuilt feature to prevent getting trapped under a summer house, the feature is known to us specialists in the mint green car sales industry as ‘Size’, rest assured that you will not be wasting precious scones and French cheeses attempting to coax your car out from under summer houses or other shedery structures in order to get to work on time.

I recently bought a hand zapper for swatting flies, the electric kind! Not electric flies, that would be silly but an electric zapper. The temptation to try it out on myself was too much, it hurt much like I imagine giving birth to a hybrid cactus/food processor would. The reflex action from the zap was enough for me to slap myself on the eyeball. I can now exercise restraint when wishing to try the zapper on myself.

On 13-Apr-11 at 18:25:11 BST, seller added the following information:

My sincere apologies, I should have made this clear from the very beginning to avoid any doubt in your minds. I am pleased to confirm that you can easily fit 3 tins of Heinz Baked beans and 1 bottle of cheap aftershave on the dashboard. None of these are included in the sale of the mint green ford focus but I will allow you a spray of the aftershave, if I think you have sprayed more than is fair I will have to rub my face against you to reclaim some of the aftershave. I have not been able to test (due to laziness on my behalf) if an expensive bottle of aftershave would squeeze on to the dash but I suspect not.


On 14-Apr-11 at 09:21:57 BST, seller added the following information:


On 14-Apr-11 at 10:58:16 BST, seller added the following information:


On 14-Apr-11 at 12:21:04 BST, seller added the following information:

Good news! The Focus is still driving awesome, I just took it for a spin in to town to pay a bill that I really didnt want to pay.  I popped in to Dominos to try one of there sub sandwiches, the bloke said it would take 10 mins he must be new because it only took 5 mins but I didn’t say anything. Sorry but I ate it in the car which now smells a bit of peperoni but I can fix that, it did that thing that pizzas do you know when its really hot but you try and nibble at it anyway then a bit of cheese and a piece of peperoni slides out and sticks to your chin. Its left a red burn on my chin that looks a bit like the sun emerging from behind a pyramid, its quite arty really. I used my free can of coke to try and cool the burn a bit, that was useless. Any way the sub was a let down unlike the focus. Why haven’t you bid yet?


On 14-Apr-11 at 15:54:27 BST, seller added the following information:


On 14-Apr-11 at 18:34:45 BST, seller added the following information:


On 14-Apr-11 at 23:55:39 BST, seller added the following information:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/61766617@N07/


On 15-Apr-11 at 00:10:31 BST, seller added the following information:


On 15-Apr-11 at 09:25:05 BST, seller added the following information:

I have had an awful night, firstly I chipped a tooth on some cheddar flavoured biscuits which was bad enough but then I fell asleep on the sofa and had a dream that Texas Pete from superted had stolen my pressure washer which I need this morning. I notice that photobucket have stopped sharing my pictures because you lot exceeded my bandwidth, I am a bit annoyed with them, what do I pay my council tax for! I put them on another site called image shack, I am not sure I trust them, something doesn’t feel right.


On 15-Apr-11 at 15:25:09 BST, seller added the following information:

Many of you, approximately 7, have asked if they can buy the original images from this post. For me, quite frankly it is all about the money. You may bid to buy here: 220770218494


On 15-Apr-11 at 16:25:33 BST, seller added the following information:

220770250602 That is for a fishing boat and Ford Focus picture that I drew all by myself. The whale depicted in the drawing is called Weirdo and is included.


On 15-Apr-11 at 19:22:15 BST, seller added the following information:

X-Wing 220770345900

Tortoise 220770343645
Bovril Tank 220770340821
The fonts all look messed up on this update, fonts are like people.

On 15-Apr-11 at 22:19:55 BST, seller added the following information:

You gotta love eBay there are some right characters on there.

Saw this posted by a friend on Facebook and thought it was fantastic… The guy has a great sense of humour  will post the link but also the wording in case the link stops working when the auction is over

Apologies for the length but hey thats what they invented the scroll buttons for

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/XCEL-3-2mm-Infiniti-Drylock-Summer-Wetsuit-Medium-USED-/160559216667?pt=UK_SportingGoods_Wetsuits_WatersportsClothing_CA&hash=item256213381b

I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say ‘fair’ I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it’s in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you’re probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn’t look after and it looks like an Elephant’s arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man’s testicle.

You’re probably thinking “People p*ss in wetsuits, I’m not sure about a second hand wetsuit”, but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you’re sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don’t like boys that smell of p*ss  so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

I’ve included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

It’s a size medium or “m”, it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won’t really but it will keep you warm and it’s flexible so you’ll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you’re bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say “f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he’s doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he’s got some fresh dance moves”. They probably won’t say this.

Now as it’s been worn, there’s some signs of wear around the neck, which I’ve taken pictures of, so you don’t say “oi you c*nt, there’s area of wear around the neck I’m giving you bad feedback”. The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they’re close-ups), and I’ve taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it’s the right way round you don’t see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn’t it, but it had to be done so you can’t take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

Why am I selling it? Well I’ve just bought a new one, as I’m a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you’re going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it’s not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

I’ll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you’re around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you’re a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don’t want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

Any questions just ask, I’ll answer them very quickly as I’m sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there’s waves.

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.

On 14-Mar-11 at 23:43:11 GMT, seller added the following information:

UPDATE.

This listing for my urine-free wetsuit is getting a lot of unexpected attention which is nice but I’m feeling I should do something positive with all the ‘f*cking energy man’, so I’ve decided to give 90% of the money it makes to the Red Cross to aid their efforts in Japan. That sounds all ‘oh look at me I’m so nice I’m giving to charity’ doesn’t it… yeah well p*ss off.


On 15-Mar-11 at 00:42:42 GMT, seller added the following information:

Okay so people are now saying “only 90%”, and I agree that sounds a bit sh*t, you see I was worried that if it only made it up to £20 or something I’d be unable to afford the postage! So let’s say as the value goes up so does the percentage!


On 15-Mar-11 at 22:38:01 GMT, seller added the following information:

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS.

Just got off the phone to XCEL wetsuits in Hawaii, who are very kindly donating a BRAND NEW 2011 Drylock wetsuit to the auction, it will remain a 3/2 (summer) but will be available in a range of sizes to suit the winning bidder. So now, in addition to the original p*ss free suit, you’ll also get a brand spanker, but still no bears or doors, just TWO wetsuits free of urine, one old and knackered (m) and one lovely and new (any size).

Big love to XCEL for their kind donation.


On 15-Mar-11 at 22:48:23 GMT, seller added the following information: I should also add, that the new 2011 Drylock Summer suit retails at well over £300.00 and isn’t available over here in the UK yet. So dig deep or you may get bummed by the bear.

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: Dear D H Morgan, I notice in you description that you go to great lengths to invince prospective buyers that you have not at any time taken a slash in the power rangers outfit. Is this because you have rather been leaking your load into drinks bottles and dumping them along the hard shoulder of various motorways up and down the country? If yes then I must insist that you cease and desist in this disgusting activity henceforth. It’s not big, it’s not clever and there are perfectly good services located close to motorways which have the facilities you require. Failing that, why not piss in the wetsuit anyway? It would seem that not pissing in your wetsuit is a failed tactic in your attempt to attract a woman. If you hadn’t failed then you sure as hell wouldn’t spend so much time writing convoluted listings on Ebay. regards Furious, Surbiton. 16-Mar-11
A: Dear Mr Furious from Surbiton, your message is riddled with assumptions about me and my toilet habits, I have only p*ssed in a bottle once and that was during a traffic jam on the M5 in 1998, the bottle overflowed and drenched my chinos, yet I STILL did not dispose of it on the hard shoulder. I put it in the cup holder and neglected to tell Tony it was not apple juice 3 weeks later. He then threw it on the hard shoulder.
Q: Are you married, I love a man who moisturises……and scampi fries….ideal complete…..? 16-Mar-11
A: I am not married. I am ‘complete’ minus the end of my index finger which I lost trying to feed a chipstick to an otter, I should have listened to Terry Nutkins when he said “if you f*ck about feeding Otters you’ll lose a finger”, at the time it made no sense, now it does.
Q: If a bear can p*ss in a urinal standing up without soiling its paws, then does it definitely still sh*t in the woods? And what about the Pope? 16-Mar-11
A: Either the woods or my landing. Mark (the bear) reckons bears are ‘not designed to sit down’, hence why I spend a fortune on scotchguard. Funny that as he’s happy to sit down to watch Homes Under the Hammer whilst eating all my mini quorn sausages. The tw*t.
Q: i don’t really need a wet suit…i’d really like an aquarium! have you got any of those?! 15-Mar-11
A: No aquariums, but I do have a dead squirrel floating in a bucket, will that do?
Q: oh my god make love to me now! your the best! 15-Mar-11
A: “You’re” the best! Do you still want to make love?
Q: Firstly Fab advert have seen something this good since the 2,000 Bribo laptops a couple of years ago. Secondly how do we know you will 90% profit to charity? thanks for the giggles 😀 15-Mar-11
A: Okay a serious one, I’ll get some sort of receipt or acknowledgement off the Red Cross and I’ll upload screen grabs of the transaction!
Q: are there any left in the suit ? If so, could you hoover them out, as I’m allergic? Thankyou 15-Mar-11
A: There are simply too many to hoover.
Q: Babe you are now a legend on Facebook and at my college. You’ve brightend alot of peoples days!!! XXXX 15-Mar-11
A: I am pleased about this. I like bright ends. Torches have bright ends. Where is your college? Asking for a friend.
Q: Im very impressed that you haven’t wee’d in your wetsuit ! I would put in an offer but don’t think it will fit over my stupendous baps so any suggestions as to how I could fit them in it would be helpfull xx 15-Mar-11
A: My Mum always used to put them in foil, by the time I got to school they were flat. She also used to give me salt n’ shake crisps but she’d remove the blue bag. You’re probably thinking, ‘how thoughtful and responsible of her’. Well those thoughts are wrong. I wanted monster munch like the other kids and a Twix not a muesli bar.
Q: Fellow eBayer, I can’t help but notice that the legs of your so-called wetsuit seem disproportionately skinny. Are your legs curiously built, and if so, can you provide relevant dimensions? I am concerned that I could not apply this suit if I was the lucky purchaser. 15-Mar-11
A: My legs are indeed ‘curious’. In fact a lady from the retirement home once spent approximately 7 minutes staring at them the last time I wore shorts. She said “you’ve got legs like my Stan had, you look like a bleeding sparrow”. Lovely lady. Dead now.
Q: Have u ever defected in ur suit? 15-Mar-11
A: I have never given up my allegiance. I stand strong both in and out of my wetsuit.
Q: i think i love you! 15-Mar-11
A: I’m flattered but with a username like “badgerheadhull” I suspect you have the head of a badger and/or that you live in Hull. Either way nothing can come of us.
Q: Do you think i could use the wet suit as a space suit, can a person breath in space without a lazer gun, cos i gotta pick my nan up? francis zoet 15-Mar-11
A: Francis, you seem to be confused, a laser gun is not breathing apparatus it is a dangerous futuristic weapon. Your Nan is not in space she is in the co-op I’ve just seen her buying ginger cake and decaffeinated tea.
Q: Now,I have never had any desire to surf….in fact the nearest I get is the Surf n Turf at the Harvester, and as I live in Wimbledon I think I’m a bit too posh for that, but I understand your fear of Swans and Priests..(unlucky Sunday School incident) and for this reason only I feel the need to ask my friend from Penzance to come and collect said wetsuit! Only…it does mean my children won’t eat this week so I was wondering if you would consider a mutual exchange for my Chinchilla called Norman. He (as far as I know) doesn’t p*ss in wetsuits and would make a great companion/plaything/meal for your bear! Cheers 15-Mar-11
A: Could Norman successfully tame and ride a swan?
Q: i’ve never known a surfer who shops in MaxMara. Are you really that flash? really? this has to be a wind-up 15-Mar-11
A: I am flasher than lightening. I once bought a pack of Olives for £3.20 and simply threw them on the floor*. *at a swan.
Q: As you know by now your description is doing the rounds of face book….very original sales technique and the bear was genius…maybe you should consider a career in sales to fund your wetsuit habit? 15-Mar-11
A: I sold a house once. When I say ‘house’ I mean CD. When I say ‘sold’ I mean ‘took back for a refund’. We all get the picture. I can sell things, my future is set. I suspect by this time next year I’ll be eating food from Marks & Spencer and wearing corduroys.
Q: Are you single? My friend is single and is totally into surfers who don’t smell like p*ss. 15-Mar-11
A: I have a terrible feeling your friend is a swan. Last time I had a feeling like this it was just before number 35’s boiler broke and flooded their kitchen. I warned them, I said “I have a feeling your boiler is going to break and flood your kitchen”, John who lives there said “Don’t be a d*ck, it happened last night and I told you about it this morning”.
Q: Will you do a swap for my toenail clippings??? 🙂 15-Mar-11
A: What kind of a deal is this? This reminds me of the time David Holder tried to swap his used knee pads for my new BMX helmet. Being nine I felt it was a good deal. It wasn’t. My Dad told me off and enrolled me on a course called “sound trading” ran by the local Church. It taught me a number of things, 1) Never get in the back of a Priest’s car and 2) Only do a swap if the item you’re exchanging is worth less than the item being offered. This is not the case.
Q: What have you got against swans? 15-Mar-11
A: They have broken my arm on three separate occasions. Apparently they don’t like to be ridden.
Q: Please could you tell me how you managed to teach your Bear to use a urinal? Mine just refuses Thanks 15-Mar-11
A: Honey on the cistern, either that or just ask him nicely in a gentle tone. 

Q: other than the Beyonce-like flexibility, does this wetsuit bestow special powers upon it’s wearer… levitation, bi-location, perfect pitch, anti-gravity, free entry to museums? i’d get by without most of the other stuff if it’s at least got invisibility and free entry to museums… secondly my neighbour Noel who doesn’t use eBay wants to know if wetsuits are good for general warmth and comfort indoors during freezing weather like we had around the christmas? thanks 15-Mar-11
A: The new owner will adopt the ability to open jars, stroke cats and eat 3 bags of scampi fries without any significant breaks.
Q: Hello. I have some puppies I need to get rid of. I was going to get a hessian sack off ebay and toss them in the canal. My girlfriend says this is cruel, but to be honest she’s not been very supportive since my release. I thought I’d make an effort though, just to keep her happy, so I think I’ll get an old wetsuit instead of a sack. This way the sudden wetness won’t upset them so much. Can you tell me how many puppies I could fit in the suit? They’re like the Andrex ones, you know, with the big brown eyes. 15-Mar-11
A: I would not like to help you or endorse the murder of puppies. Can’t you just dispose of them the usual way, you know by putting them on the end of a pole and dangling them over the edge of the alligator pit at Bristol zoo.
Q: I notice you mention time and again that you have never pissed in the suit, but have conveniently left out details as to whether you have shat in it. And for this reason, i’m out. I realise this isn’t a question, so I will just stick a question mark on the end so you can’t sue me? 15-Mar-11
A: I have never excreted whilst wearing the suit. Omitting information would be very wrong. I bought an Audi estate off a man once who failed to tell me it was sh*t and smelt of dogs. I got so angry I wrote him a stern letter and swore at my computer.
Q: Is your thumb manicured? 15-Mar-11
A: Don’t be ridiculous. Yes. For those wondering, my thumb or nail is not included in the auction.
Q: I am lucky enough to be attending the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April do you think the wetsuit will be suitable attire for such a function? 15-Mar-11
A: As long as you roll the legs up and wear a tie with it. And brogues, it’d look weird without brogues. The prince would stare at you.
Q: Do you have anything else you haven’t p*ssed on for sale? 15-Mar-11
A: Not really, I tend to mark my territory regularly, I was raised by a pack of Jack Russells.
Q: When i’m throwing my arms around like beyonce will it be in the iconic style of single ladies or more retro like crazy in love? 15-Mar-11
A: Dear Lee, I realise now I have made a huge mistake neglecting the finer detail of the listing, I think I imagined it to be more like that bit at 2:36 of Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” when she thrusts her hands forward with a stern look, which reminds me of the landlady at the Heron when she serves bottled lager.
Q: I was searching ebay for some used houmous when I came across your item. It’s really set me thinking, and I’m tempted to buy, but I don’t really like surfing much. I reckon that’s because I was traumatised by the film Jaws, and I know that’s not your fault, so I’m not going to raise it with Ebay. It’s a fine suit though, and the absence of piss is a bonus, a massive bonus. I’ve always liked neoprene, ever since the incident, and your item looks as though it’s been cared for by a man who only points his piss at the things he doesn’t want to sell. That’s clever, I’ve never mastered it. I’ve looked at your other items, and the authentic Pandora Charm is refreshingly piss-free also. I am worried though, because I looked at your feedback, and early on in your ebay career you sold some second-hand lounge lizard pants. You did get positive feedback, but I’ve heard the buyer recently died, from a rampaging crotch infection. So, if I win the suit, would it be possible for you to boil it first? 15-Mar-11
A: Dear sir, those pants were infection free, if the winning bidder died it’s as a result of his own sordid acts. I will not boil the wetsuit, I do not like boiling things, I once boiled an egg and it went hard.
Q: I would like to know if the urine free wetsuit works when not in the vicinity of a coastline? For example on a Friday and Saturday night i deliver pizzas in London on a moped sometimes in the rain. When it is raining i like to imagine that i am surfing, i feel your wetsuit would make me happy whilst i am delivering pizza’s in Balham, yet i do not want to annoy the customers with the smell of the ‘gold stuff, do you think your suit maybe the one for me? 15-Mar-11
A: I like this question. You’re thinking outside of the box here. It makes perfect sense to me, which means it’s probably wrong, I once thought it made sense to iron my pubes straight.
Q: Hello. For an extra fee, would you consider pissing in the suit before sending it? For me, a wetsuit isn’t a wetsuit until it’s been pissed in. It’s sort of a rite of passage. It conditions the neoprene beautifully, a bit like tanning leather. 15-Mar-11
A: Yes I suppose so. I once got asked to pee in a cup but that’s another story.
Q: do you have the bear’s telephone number? I’m sure we met last year somewhere in france? thanks 15-Mar-11
A: The bear says he never been to France, Belgium but not France. I may be answering this without asking him. He’s my bear.
Q: Dear Mr Morgan (or perhaps you still prefer to be called Morgan, as per your earlier reference to a school teacher)…I tried surfing once, and wore one of those bead necklaces and everything, and the surfer dude told me i was a proper surfer chick…. but as I live miles away from the sea, i took up triathlon instead…. but now I’m wondering – if i need a new triathlon wetsuit, would this be suitable – although waving your arms around like Beyonce in an Ironman mass start tends to get you punched in the face, so maybe not a good idea after all… hey ho – probably wouldn’t fit anyway, as I’m only 5 foot. 14-Mar-11
A: Hello Madam, there was a great deal of information to absorb in your submission. In response. No.
Q: I don’t like swans either. Or pandas. Or bears. I also don’t like the sea. Or surfing. Or wetsuits. But I do like ice cream. 14-Mar-11
A: I understand your swan hatred. Roger reckons the Queen can eat them, I wish I was the queen. I think you’re a monster not liking Panda’s, they make little gems you can eat.
Q: How wet does a wet suit get when a wet suit get wet? 14-Mar-11
A: Not that wet, it’s more ‘moist’ than wet, a bit like a flannel after it’s been rung out twice.
Q: Do you like newts? 14-Mar-11
A: I don’t know any personally so I cannot comment. I met a Monitor lizard whilst on holiday in Sri Lanka once, he was nice enough but didn’t drink.
Q: Do you think this wet suit could fit my pet panda? I have kept him in good shape but i’m finding it hard to get my hands on something that fits for when we surf at Constantine? 14-Mar-11
A: Hello Sir, I’m almost certain this suit will not fit a panda unless it is of a delicate build, but even then I don’t think it is necessary, Panda’s like most bears are born wearing a hairy wetsuit. If you made the Panda wear this wetsuit in addition to it’s natural wetsuit it would get too hot and would eat far too much ice cream.
Q: Are there any sticky deposits on the wetsuit? I know these are occasionally used for fetish purposes. 14-Mar-11
A: Hello Stuart, no there are no sticky deposits in the wetsuit, bid in confidence with the knowledge I have never climaxed whilst wearing it. I did lend it to Mark once though and he tends to do things like that, I’ll ask him.
Q: Will it make me look like Halle Berry when i get out the water? Does it attract sharks? 14-Mar-11
A: You have actually asked two questions there, I should probably report you to the eBay judiciary but I won’t, instead I’ll answer both the questions in the same order you have asked them. If you are Halle Berry it will make you look like her. The suit will not attract sharks though if the person wearing the wetsuit is bleeding profusely and is within a one mile radius of a shark it may attract one as I’ve read sharks can smell blood from the distance of one mile.
Q: That’s a surfer standing right there in a public slash-house pissing into the bear suit that he’s wearing. Don’t try and kid us man!! 14-Mar-11
A: Dear Dr Zoink, I can assure you it is a genuine real life bear, it is definitely not a man in a suit, look at his feet, no human has feet like that.
Q: Just wanted to say thank you for the most amusing thing I’ve ever read on eBay. Thank you. I hope someone pays you a million pounds for it. 14-Mar-11
A: I’m really pleased I’ve amused you. No really, I’m not being sarcastic. I am. Really. If someone pays me a million pounds I’d buy a submarine and fill it with otters, we’d cruise the oceans bringing happiness to the population of this planet. 

Q: hi, this is the best description ever. id just like you to know you’ve really made my day. btw did you know that this is now posted of facebook 🙂 i hope you have a really great day thanks for making mine. 14-Mar-11
A: Thank you, I am genuinely pleased I’ve made your day. Do you know what made my day today… a bag of scampi fries that were out of date but tasted perfect.
Q: Will the promised pictures of you modelling the suit for non-perverts be tweeted? I don’t want to follow you for nothing as @stevemosby keeps my feed quite busy enough. Thamks. 14-Mar-11
A: I’m undecided on this. I need to do evaluate the financial implications. I’ll do a spreadsheet and ask that chap off the telly and let you know.
Q: Does ReTweeting, posting a link to this on Facebook and generally acting like your pimp earn me a small commission? I also am unable to bid on the suit as the closest I have been to surfing is watching Point Break repeatedly, and the closest I have been to Cornwall is Ginsters. The sandwiches- pasties are unnatural. Loving your work. 14-Mar-11
A: Hello Jessica, are you really my new pimp, I hope so, my current pimp is a b*stard called Jeremy, he hits me with a plastic guitar, as I’m a sh*t hooker.
Q: …funniest thing I’ve read in years. Hope you get some lottery winner buy the suit for shedloads of cash mate! 14-Mar-11
A: Thank you for your kind words Bob, if it goes for more than £10,000 I’ll buy you a new bike!
Q: im loving the AD.. put a smile on my face! 14-Mar-11
A: You’re not going to offer me sweets to get in the back of your car are you?
Q: Your description is hilarious!! My sister just posted me the link just to read it! Wish i could surf as id definately buy it! hahaha 14-Mar-11
A: You don’t need to surf, in fact you can save on your heating bills by simply running a cold bath and climbing in whilst wearing a wetsuit.
Q: Is it used? 14-Mar-11
A: Dear Swelzba, the wetsuit is indeed used, but not in any weird gimp suity way, purely for its intended purpose of keeping you warm whilst engaging in water sports. Oh that sounds wrong doesn’t it. I don’t mean it’s been worn whilst someone p*sses on you. Oh never mind.
Q: You say this is suitable for men – does that mean you won’t sell to women? I’d quite like to buy it, but I’d only sit and look at it, to be honest – I’m scared of water, but I do like to be dry. And warm. And I prefer things that don’t smell of p*ss. Thank you. 14-Mar-11
A: Hello female ebay user, I am not sexist, this wetsuit will be sold to the highest bidder regardless of their sex, race or religion, I refuse to sell to swans though. I don’t like swans.
Q: How do we know you are telling the truth? Truro isn’t Newquay now is it? 14-Mar-11
A: I am truthful. My history teacher once said “wear that dress and bend over like last time”, he also said “Morgan, you’re not bright but you are honest, I admire that in a boy”. He never said that.
Q: I wonder if you could tell me, does the bear come with the suit? Cos that is one awesome looking bear. Also, do the urinals come with the suit? Cos they are some awesome urinals. Thanks. 14-Mar-11
A: Dear Husband of Kate, the wetsuit does not come with any bears or urinals. I’m concerned I’m going to get bad feedback now when the winning bidder receives only a wetsuit. I’ve really messed up here haven’t I. f*ck. I wonder If I can find a p*ssing bear before the end of auction.
Q: do you have any photos of you actually wearing the suit so I can get a better idea of what it looks like. 14-Mar-11
A: I can model it for you unless you’re a pervert? I’ll put socks down the front like usual. Oh I shouldn’t have typed that. I can’t stop.
Q: This is a bit random, but your mate posted your description of the suit on twitter and I read it and it is the most amazing descritpion of a suit or any product ever. Don’t think I’m a weird stalker, I just like good descriptions. Sorry I’m not going to buy the suit but if I did want a suit I’d get this one just on that description alone. Even tho I’m a small girl and the suit would swamp me and I wouldn’t look like Beyonce with sweet moves. I don’t even have sweet surfing moves, I’m a rubbish surfer as each time I try to surf I get water in my eyes and totally cry like the massive girl I am. Anyways good luck selling the suit. I’m off now because I have just written the most stalerist email ever. 14-Mar-11
A: Thank you for your kind words s.tarmaster, how much of a master of tar are you? Could you do my drive?
Q: Hi, Is the nice wooden door included in the sale to hang it on? Thamks 14-Mar-11
A: Unfortunately not, though the bin in the first picture is. It’s not. Thamk you. x