Heartbroken

I have to admit that I am not a very emotional person for most of the time.
I joke when we are watching a film or something on the tv and Allan has tears welling in his eyes.
I used to think I had no feeling at all,  I lost everything and cried…….
And then I taught myself not to let anything get to me…. I blocked everything bad out as best I can.

It takes a while for things to really hit me or soak in..
Sometimes I have a tendency to block out things.. If I don’t believe its true then it didn’t happen

I really thought I had my fair share of pain and that things could only get better in this world.
I was so wrong..

I hate funerals and I am sorry to say I have been to far to many.. from my sons to my mothers….. and other friends and relatives.

Even with my mum  I knew she was ill. I was her carer and as I have said before in previous blogs.. In some horrible way I felt free after her death I didn’t grieve for a long time after her death and when I did it was for the mother I had known in my younger years.  not this old woman who didn’t know me or recognise me and I admit she was a burden towards the end.  

When I buried my son, I grieved from the second he was born…..  I think of him all the time, especially every year on his birthday

…… he was born  30 August 1984

This year he would have been 30… no I haven’t forgotten him this year…..   
But the pain has come back raw as anything..
When I heard the news about Andy I was in a state of shock… regret…… all sorts of feelings……  I cried…. but I kept going…..

Fast Forward to yesterday I have hardly slept in ages…..   I was dreading the funeral.  because it’s always the final ending..

The thing is… this is when it hit me like a truck crashing into the wall,  Its true….. It happened.. I will never hear or see Andy again.
that’s not right……  He was always there…….  He was Alex’s godfather…. I only wish I had a picture of Alex at his christening with Andy.. but that wasnt possible.. Andy was taking the photos of the christening.

Andy would have loved his funeral and wake…… you see all his true friends turned up to say a last farewell.. there was over 100 people there…
old friends were back  together…. All People I have known through Andy…..

The thing with Andy is you can go months with not seeing or hearing from him and still know he would always be at the end of the phone to help you if you needed it.. or be there for a chat if you needed someone to talk to and vice versa.. I have had to many calls to count from Andy when he has been shit on from a great height by some of his so-called friends.. 
I loved Andy as a friend…
The most fitting and best tribute I have seen was one that was written by another good friend who was also close to Andy.
It sums it up perfectly.
By

Roy Jamison

We used to talk,
and laugh, and cry…
But now you’ve left,
there’s tears in my eyes

This feeling, this hole
that you’ve left inside
Won’t stop, won’t quit
Won’t be pushed aside

Can’t think, can’t do
can’t speak, nor breathe
All I can do now,
Is try and grieve

This feeling, this loss,
This hurt, this pain
I hope one day
To see you again

Maybe one day after the end,
I’ll see you again my best friend,
Just maybe I’ll be fine and dandy,
Until that day I miss you Andy

And now I can’t stop the tears……..  Sleep didn’t happen at all last night no matter how hard I tried

I feel like I have been ripped in half… 

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have lost a friend one of the best friends ever
The fact that as we all get older, I have realised that we are not all immortal.

Memories.
I do know there will never be another person like him..
Yes at times he drove us all mad.

There are times when we thought he was being over dramatic about things and just had to say to him to sit back and chill, these things happen for  a reason..
There are times when I had to tell him in no uncertain terms.. he was being used…..  Usually by the radio stations.. But the thing is that was his life….
What he lived for…  
he was nocturnal..  and spent many a night here until dawn came and he went home to bed.
When the boys were born and we had to change our lives to daytime lives.. we still saw him……
He used to come around everyday when he got up it was usually around the time when the boys got in from school.

He used to answer the why kids questions.. Both boys are geeks, and asked geeky questions and Andy always had time to tell them what they wanted to know.. or to teach them… when Alex was only one.. he had Alex on his knee and found a site called knee-bouncers…. and he showed Alex how to work the keyboard.. He did the same with Ali..  
In the garden once  when we were having a BBQ  we had wooden chairs at the time, he was wriggling around in the chair holding Alex as a baby and the chair gave away…
Andy went crashing to the ground with a bump… But held onto Alex tightly so he wasn’t hurt…
There are so many memories…… some good, some bad………… and some evil……… (yes Andy had a temper on him when someone had treated him badly) I never saw that side aimed at me… but had seen it when turned on others.. and sometimes I have to admit with very funny consequences. 
I have been there for Andy as well.
during times when he was at court….  (temper related)

During the times when his lovely mum and dad needed help, in the garden, or greenhouse.. getting stuff out of the attic.
Tidying up his mums house when they were away on holiday and Andy had been there on his own..
When his mum had a nasty fall and broke her hip… we lent them the wheelchair while she was on the long road to recovery.

And as I have said in an old post from a long time ago
Andy was the only godparent that Alex had that ever bothered with him

https://notyouraveragemother.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/religion-and-godparents-why-bother/

Yes I’m in tears…… 
and the pain is unbearable at times….
I miss him..

I always will…

Because I now know that in a few months time… or weeks or days  He wont be there at the end of the phone.

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R.I.P Andy Smith.

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Todays trip out to headcorn was partly marred by the sad news that a very good friend had passed away.. I got the news while I was actually at the show.  

My good Friend and Alexs godfather Andy passed away  Friday Night… He had recently been diagnosed with type three cancer of the stomach and liver and was in hospital.  That in itself had been a shock. He had suffered with pain from Gallstones Or were they ?? for many years and the doctors were reluctant to operate because of his weight..
Now much as we loved Andy he has been known to be a tad melodramatic at times.. So I guess we didn’t take him seriously enough when he insisted there was a bigger problem.   I knew he was back in  hospital. He had been in before with a gallstones operation which didn’t go very well and I had been in then to visit him but with my dad being so Ill and having operations at Medway I just couldn’t face going up there… When My dad had his last op on the 11th I was going to pop in and see Andy while my dad was under……..  Then Allan had to do the cardboard on his own and couldn’t have the boys and I didn’t think Andy would appreciate me turning up with two very bored kids who had been up since 5am as my dad had to be checked in at 8am… So I decided to take my dad straight to his department.. and then wait for the call to come and collect him around 5.30pm.  So I didn’t go up and See Andy on the ward.   Something I will always regret.   Yes I admit at times he has driven us mad with his attitude to work at times and the nocturnal lifestyle he kept, out all night and asleep most of the day… getting up and coming around to ours before being called home by his elderly parents for dinner… but he had a heart of gold… if you ever needed a friend he was there……..  When I had all the hassle and split from my Husband.. not only was Andy there but he found me somewhere to stay with a friend…  In fact a lot of the good friends I have today I have met through Andy over the years…….. 
He was so proud when we asked him to be Alex’s godparent. He would never have children of his own so it was the next best thing.   We worked it out the other night that I have known Andy over 15 years and Allan has known him 18years…….. he has always been there at the end of the phone…… 
To say  I am heart-broken is and understatement ..I am in total shock.  
We havent even seen him for ages and ages because  we have been so busy with the Cardboard collecting and courses that everything and everyone else was put on the back burner because we never had time for them..  Another regret…….
Friends and Family must come first  as you never know when they are no longer going to be there… Its been a very hard lesson to learn.

So here I am a week on and waiting for news of when his funeral is going to be……..

And the tears are still streaming……

Andy Smith also known as Andy Roberts on the Airwaves as he was a radio presenter in many local studios… he even got me my job with BRFM before Alex was born.

The World has lost a great man with a Great Heart……… Alex has lost his godfather And I have lost a friend 😦

andy

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What I got for Christmas

I’m not greedy I Don’t expect to see a Michael Kors watch, or a Louis Vuitton bag falling out of my Christmas stocking,

 

I have got used to the fact that I don’t get presents over the years. My ex never bought me a present in the whole time we were married……. Not for Christmas or birthday…. or any other time come to that matter……

 

If fact I think the last bit of jewellery that was bought as a present for me was a gold necklace by a very good friend of mine many many years ago long before I even met my ex…… I still have it and wear it constantly to this day…

Allan did get my buffet server for my birthday plus a bottle of Disaronno so I know that finances were limited, In fact he had no finances as I am in charge of the bank card,

 

So when I mentioned I will post a list of what I got for Christmas you didn’t need to panic… seriously it’s not long.

 

I got a lovely set of smellies (tried and tested already when I had a lovely long soak the other day)

I got a lovely new apron from my secret santa, They know me well by the look of it…. I have to say they also got the boys a little something and both the dogs. 🙂

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My friend Leanne got me a lovely box of chocolates as well ,

And that’s it…….. yep…… total list of my presents..

Of course I always treat us to a present at Christmas, Something we want but would not generally buy for ourselves…….

 

Last year it was a new camera, This year we got a digital photo frame… granted I forgot to get a new SD card for it but that can be rectified soon.

 

I have however as mentioned the other day also got a present I bought for Amber, she has been telling us for a long time how she wanted a laptop for Christmas, finances didn’t spring to that… in fact even if we could afford it, I’m certain we wouldn’t be spending that much on a present for a nearly 20 yr old who pays £10 a week board… and has the rest of her money all to herself…. and can still manage to spend it in two days and borrow off us when cash is needed for important things like drink and clothes,

 

Anyway at the time we couldn’t afford a laptop so we got her a small tablet… the boys had a good 10inch one but hers was only a little 7inch one with a case. total cost I guess about £75

and this was on top of the £70 we had already spent on bits for her. Anyway a few days before Christmas, She was telling us how she had spent more on Christmas this year than ever before.. total cost… under £40 for everyone… and how next year she “Aint spending that much again”

so she is hardly the last of the big spenders……. having already spent quite a bit on her we sat and thought…… and then decided so it… she can have the other bits but I will keep the tablet as I wanted an ereader and it would do the job perfectly.

 

So Allan gave me the tablet for Christmas….

Just as well really because Amber had £50 for Christmas and when we said she could buy her own if she wanted… she decided that she don’t like the tablets and is going to save up for her own laptop….. because she wants to go on games on Facebook and apparently the tablet is no good for that..

 

So her loss my gain……

 

 

 

You know, there’s nothing else in the world that quite offsets your life than when you get a bad haircut.

 

My hair was getting much too long I was getting sweaty it was too short to tie back and too long to be comfortable on a hot summery day… Yes we did have one or two of those,

something had to be done. I had no idea what it was I wanted though, I had one or two pictures of me when I was younger and wanted it cut similar to that.. yes I know I wouldn’t look exactly the same after all, many years and loads of kids have taken their toll but hey should /could get the idea of what I wanted.

I asked my hairdresser friend if she could cut it for me, she had been to college for a couple of years so was more than happy to get the practice when she first started, she has trimmed my hair for the last three years first it was just my ends and then I got brave and asked for a short bob which she did ok as she did it in stages so I could decide on the length at the time, so I admit on the plus side I haven’t had to pay for a hair cut for years and I haven’t had to go into a salon… Now I have always hated going into salons to have my hair cut… to be honest that’s the reason my hair was down to my bum and had been for years and years with me just getting the ends trimmed when I really had to. I remember a hairdresser saying once when I went in for a trim as I sat very nervously in the chair while she washed it ready to trim that I had Tonsurephobia which is the general fear of getting my hair cut.

Anyway back to where I was before I started rambling on.

I wanted something other than the usual bob that my friend seems to always end up doing. I showed her the picture of how I wanted it done, nothing to taxing really, more like a layered mullet but not as long at the back so it didn’t look to 80’s … Yes she says No problem…

And away she starts snipping… there is a lot of hair falling to the ground and bearing in mind my hair was not that long only at the sides I’m starting to think what is she doing… She finishes and says what do you think? I go to the bathroom mirror and notice that one side is about 2 inches shorter than the other… she hasn’t flicked it ,layered it, what ever you call it back but cut it in a dead kind of line… not good… the long side is too long and the short side basically is too short… she says oh I can even that up… and yep cuts the long side shorter than the short side… She says once it has settled down it will be ok, your hair needs to learn how to go this way now… WTF??

At the time I’m thinking what utter bollocks but keep quiet… Off she goes home…

We’ve all had it happen. A haircut gone horribly, horribly wrong , it is a living nightmare. What makes this an earth-shattering event is that you can’t do a thing about it

If it was a bad poodle perm (and yes I had one of those once) you could have the hairdresser relax the curl if they can. If it was a bad dye job you could try to dye it again. But once those scissors have sliced through your hair  even crazy glue can’t re-attach it (Trust me, If I thought it would work I would have tried.)

I go and wash it and then get the hair dressing bag out that I have with straighteners, curling iron, hair dryer etc. and start to work… ok its possible except for one problem.. I am not one of these people who spends hours on my hair every day.. I like to wash and go and that’s it..

I’m not a vain person but I’m starting to get really fed up and down about it… I trim the other side that is short so at least I have both sides matching but I still can’t just wash it and let it dry on its own without having to spend at least an hour styling it,  as I look like I have a peanut head with a bowl on the top kinda haircut. I look on-line and to be honest realise that the only cure for this haircut is to go very very layered short.

I tell Allan and he just does the do what ever you want babe. I don’t think he quite realises that having a bad haircut can be quite traumatic!

That may be down to the fact that he is bald or the fact that he is just a man, I’m not sure which…

 

Anyway Like I said I looked on-line and decided that the only way to go is to get a very short layered haircut… I find a picture that looks like it would fit in with what hair I have left on the sides now and then find out that it was done by a No. 12 Wahl hair clipper attachment now we have a set of clippers that I use for the boy’s hair and they only go up to number 8 normally so I look on eBay and lo and behold yes there is such a thing as a number 12 attachment so I order away and it arrives a couple of days later…

I ask Allan to start shaving… He does… and there is no hair falling off the side but loads from the top and back… when he is finished or as I suspect gets bored doing it, I notice there is still long chunks on the top… I have a go and DISASTER STRIKES!!! The attachment falls off and the clippers carry on for that half an inch cutting my hair short……. thankfully not right down to the skin as clippers have been known to with no attachment on , so the only way out is to shave my head bald but close enough short for me to think lots of naughty words and have a tear in my eye!

 

I get the number 8 attachment out of the bag and go over that bit oh crap its shorter than that… I get right down to number 5 attachment, before it matches in evenly so there is no other choice,

Off with the lot on a number 5 attachment! I buzz away until it’s all even… I survey the damage and convince myself it could be worse and  that it’s not the first time I have shaved my head this short… well in fact shorter.. Remember that I mentioned I had a bad bubble perm once… Well the only way I could correct it myself at the time was to shave my head with a number 3 attachment and dye it green thankfully I was a big fan of the sex pistols at the time and it kinda went well with my ripped jean’s punk rock look, with the razor blade earrings etc.. Of course needless to say my mother was not exactly impressed at the time!

The problem is With short hair you have to get a haircut every two or three weeks. And if you’re colouring your hair, you have to colour it that often so I soon got very bored with the green look.

 

Anyway back to present day…. I’m standing in the bathroom  looking at my hair  in the mirror and I have two choices. I have the fluffy fuzzy look which is not good or the spiky wet look which is marginally better…. either way I look like a Bull dyke 😦

 

I rack my brains trying to think what else I can do but the only real  option is to colour it so I go to Sally’s  hairdressing supplies down the road from us and buy some purple hair dye… Trouble is If I had done it straight away I would have had to keep colouring it every week as it was growing so I couldn’t do it straight away…

The only redeeming feature of my very thick hair is that it grows quickly.

I am now Living With My Own Personal Bad Haircut 😦

Present day:
It is now the length of that original number 12 attachment… 4 weeks down the line and I’m thinking I can colour it soon I have the purple bottle of hair colour at the ready just waiting until I think I can get away with only having to colour it every 3 weeks

I have this feeling now of Déjà vu going back 35 years or so , only we were talking vivid green then.

I’m still wetting it every day because if I don’t now it really goes fuzzy… I’m going to carry on letting it grow and hopefully by Christmas it will look like something presentable again,  well hopefully not like some big fat Bull Dyke!! (No offence to any Big Fat Bull Dykes reading)

 I know one think I have learned, I will only ever go to a salon from now on to get a hair cut…

This of course may be in quite a few years!
And then there is my phobia to be taken into account… Although I think this recent experience may help me get over that fear if it will mean my hair will be cut properly in the future!

So much going on at the moment

I know I know, I promise I will keep up to day on my blog but then life takes over and I never seem to have time,
We have had a lovely Facebook friend I am proud to have met,  Vickie stay with us for a while.

The boys have had loads of things going on at school, Thankfully now they have broken up for half term Its a scary thought not long to go until the summer holidays.

Alex has joined the cubs and Ali the beavers and they love it.. there was a BBQ and activities evening the other day at the main scout building and I couldn’t believe the amount of stuff there or how big it was.

you are not really allowed to take pictures there but Allan managed to sneak in a couple. The boys haven’t been inaugurated yet so didn’t wear their uniform (however I have it ready ) The should be invested in a few weeks they cant wait to get their badges . Allan is thinking about helping out…  That should be interesting .

What else have we been up to? Ah yes…
We went sea fishing over at Barton Point…

Again the boys loved being out and about. Allan and Alex did the fishing thing, Ali sat by the sea getting soaked and Vickie and I stayed most of the time in the shelter… I am getting more mobile but have to say getting up and down and out and about on the very loose shingle and stones was not easy.  but this time 4 months ago i wouldn’t have been able to get out of the car so things are getting a lot better. Health wise I have been perfect. with the exception of what I think is a little hay fever my chest is clear still.   Slowly starting to get my life back.  Still get very tired and still in quite a bit of pain but what Allan doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him lol I use the famous words… I’m alright!

We also went over to leysdown for a day out with the boys, first we went to the amusements, did some bowling and then we went over to leysdown and did some metal detecting on the beach.


Alex had Bagheera for the day, the class stuffed Animal that was adopted, So we took Bagheera to the park.


And on another day out we took the dog for a walk to capstone park…. fantastic place there the boys loved it.




What else have we been up to… Oh yes, Last but not least the boys have had a jubilee party at school. and yesterday I got into the spirit and made them some cakes, They have another Jubilee party to go to with the scouts on Tuesday as well so their red white and blue clothes will have lots of use.

 

So as you can see, I really have been busy and not had time to update 🙂

As I always say I will try and do better next time.

I Hurt You, You Hurt me .. Are we even Now?

You know when some people say no matter what they will always be your friend, Always love you  Blah Blah Blah..
I often wonder if they are talking bollocks!!

You see, Acknowledgement once a year would be nice at least..
You’re safe you know, I don’t want you to declare your undivided love or you ask me to Marry you.

I don’t want anything from you except just a simple Happy Birthday from an old Friend once a year,

Is that really asking too much?? 😥


I know I hurt you and Yes I am sorry but this is the second year running now you havent said a word… 

Are we even now? 😥