When I’m talking bollocks because I have nothing really that I can blog about……… Problem Solved!

blogging-ideas

 

There are times when I really feel like updating my blog yet no matter how much I try to squeeze a post out of my head I still come up with nothing.

Those that know me know that I can come up with bollocks most of the time anyway.

The one reason why I always keep a notebook app on my phone is so wherever I go I can write down things that happen, events or other things that may just prop up.

Ideas usually come up when I’m drinking coffee in some cafe with the girls or even if I’m out and sitting on my own, especially when I can hear some interesting conversation around me,It’s not that I am nosey its just some people must want the whole world to overhear when they have a conversation.

Things pop into my head when I’m lining up in the local shop or waiting for my turn in Asda’s or in the queue for the cash machine, the dentist’s, or waiting in the local memorial hospital waiting usually for Ali’s eye appointments or at the hospital for his paediatric appointments to do with his autism.

Things slid through my mind and I think I could blog about that… this is why my blog is probably the most mish mash assorted blog you have ever seen…

one day I am ranting the next talking total bollocks… I do see things online that amuse me and I think oh I must mention about that. Or there are jokes I see and I think they have to be shared I know not everyone has the same sense of humour I have. Especially when I see things like a good joke or the hilarious ebay posting that I have blogged about in the past.. I just have to share……..

 

Or of course I need to rant and rave because I know if I did it in real life I would probably end up killing someone or being sectioned under the mental health act.

You should consider yourself lucky really because about 99% of what goes through my brain or I have jotted down on my trusty app never reaches the keyboard….. I never seem to find enough time to blog… even on days when I have nothing to do ……….

 

Anyway I have promised myself I will try to carry on and blog about the many various subjects that come to mind,  in the future
Just to carry on confusing you really and I was wondering what diversity of crap I could post about when I was surfing for something totally none related to blogging and I saw this bloggers list and thought

yeah what the hell I will give it a go.

It’s similar to the 30 day challenges but you just post in order at any time when you have no idea what to blog about………

or can’t blog about what you are really thinking and need some other idea’s instead

(in my case quite often)

oh and there are 50 things not 30…

This may take me years to finish… or 51 days you never know….. 😉

 

So here is the list……. And what you can expect at  any time in the future…..

 

 

1. Do you have any phobias? what thing do you fear most?

 

2. Describe your first date/first kiss. Hmm.. did you see stars or you just felt gross?

 

3. What is scariest experience you had?

 

4. What kind of games did you play as a kid?

 

5. What do you miss most about your childhood?

 

6. What kind of child where you? Shy? A bully? Popular? Loner? Stubborn? …

 

7. What gift would you give the person you “don’t like”

 

8. Who was your celebrity crush during your teens?

 

9. What outfit did you wear before that you swore you’d never wear again? If you have photos and the right amount of courage, then post it!

 

10. Do you have any regrets? Whats the biggest mistake you ever made?

 

12. What’s the weirdest/hardest/funniest job you ever had?

 

13. What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you?

 

14. What’s your wildest dream?

 

15. who is the worst neighbour you have ever had

 

16. Your dream gadgets..

 

17. Top 5 places you want to visit in your lifetime.

 

18. Top — movies you’d watched over and over again. OR if you are in the mood to be negative – movies you wish you didn’t watch.

 

19. Top 5/10 songs that makes you want to wish for ear plug..

 

20. List down your beauty product must-haves.

 

21. What’s inside your closet? Talk about your fashion style..

 

22. what season do you like best?

 

23. What’s always in your grocery trolley

 

24. List your favourite social network website

 

25. Have invisibility and teleportation at will or the ability to read minds and fly at will??

 

26. 5 things you want to change in yourself..

 

27. What was the last book you read?

 

28. Review any blog you find interesting.

 

29. Like eating out? Review a restaurant.

 

30. Talk about the last hotel you stayed in or holiday you had.

 

31. Review a product. Gadgets, beauty products, household products, whatever you fancy.

 

32. Review a TV show, a soap or a movie.

 

33. Talk about an excellent service you got..

 

34. Tell your readers how you got into blogging..

 

35. How did blogging change/influence you?

 

36. Have any special skills or hobbies?

 

37. What trait do you find the most annoying about people.

 

38. Check out the latest weird / odd news and talk about it.

 

39. Youtube, MetaCafe, Veoh etc offers a lot of interesting videos. Embed one and tell why you chose that one.

 

40. check the latest news and state your opinion about it.

 

41. Post something funny. A cartoon. A funny photo.Funny lists..

 

42. Find a quote. Share your thoughts.

 

43. What is the one word you can never remember how to spell…

 

44. What are the things you won’t write about in detail? Why you won’t blog about this topics?

 

Now is your chance to get back at them..I would suggest not naming them 😛 I’ve done this and somehow it got something off my chest.. lol!

 

45. Who was that teacher at school who made you almost made you pee in your pants.

 

46. The school bully who took pleasure in pulling your pigtails, or stealing your lunch money

 

47. That ugly boyfriend/girlfriend who left you for someone else.

 

48. the Nosiest neighbour you have ever had and did you actually do anything to wind them up

 

49. that obnoxious co-worker who keeps grabbing credit for your work.

 

50. What was the funniest/nastiest/most memorable prank you ever pulled on someone?

blog_ideas-669x272

Keep The Falklands British

FALKLANDS

https://www.facebook.com/keeptheislandsbritish

I guess having spent the whole of the Falklands war in the 80’s sitting behind desks at the Embassy in Washington dc working for Comcen….  GCHQ    (yes I did have a life before kids)
I’m kinda protective of the good friends I lost in the war …. Yes I did know some personally that died…….
Of course the recent news that President Fernandez de Kirchner has brought it all up again…….  has kinda peeved me…..


I totally agree with the group on Facebook…. See link above….

When I saw this posted there It did give me a giggle.

Dear Argentina…

 

NOW look. You’ve been whining about this since 1767 and it’s starting to get on my wick.

 

I’ve ignored you until now, because you’re very silly and your greatest cheerleader is Sean Penn, a man who pretends to be things he is not and once hit his then-wife Madonna with a baseball bat, tied her up for nine hours and abused her.

 

If he is on your side, it’s not a good side to be on.

 

But today you’ve written to Prime Minister Dishface demanding he enter negotiations to ‘return’ the islands we call the Falklands and you call Malvinas, 180 years after we cruelly stole them from you with our jackbooted naval officers of totalitarianism.

 

You were ‘forcibly stripped’ of these jewels in the South Atlantic and your people were ‘expelled’.

 

Only, that’s not quite what happened, is it Argentina? Someone obviously needs to remind you, and probably Mr Penn too, of the facts.

 

Allow me to start by saying there are probably things we can all agree on. War is bad, for example, and colonialism – aside from the roads, aqueducts, education, health reforms, economic development, culture, food, integration and innovation – tends to be a bad thing too.

 

We could probably avoid an argument over the fact that the Falkland Islands, in and of themselves, aren’t exactly pretty. There are no hanging gardens, no waterfalls, no exotic wildlife. They’re a windy bunch of rocks a long way from anywhere, although I grant they’re nearer to you than they are to us.

 

Which begs the question about why, exactly, you never bothered to settle them.

 

When they were first discovered by a Dutchman in 1600 there was nothing there but seabirds. No people, no cultural heritage for anyone to trample over. Just a windy bunch of rocks.

 

Ninety years later a British sailor was blown off course and sailed through a bit of water he named Falkland Sound, and 74 years after that the French turned up to form a colony.

 

WAIT! I hear you cry. The French colonised the Falklands?

 

Why yes, and 18th century email being what it was the British turned up two years later and built a settlement on another one of the islands and claimed the whole lot for the Crown, unaware the Frenchies were already in residence.

 

The French sold out to the Spaniards a year after that, who put the colony – containing French people – under control of a governor in Buenos Aires.

 

Three years later the Spanish picked a fight with the Brits, kicked them out and after a peace treaty let us back in. In 1774 the Brits, overstretched by the Americans kicking off, withdrew and left a plaque behind asserting their claim. Thirty two years later the Spaniards departed too, leaving another plaque, and in 1811 the last settlers threw in the towel.

 

We were back to empty, windy rocks known only to whalers and sealing ships, and two memorial plaques.

 

In 1820 an American pirate called David Jewett took shelter there, and finding the place deserted promptly claimed the islands for a union of South American provinces which later became Argentina.

 

You lot didn’t realise this for a year, but still didn’t settle the islands. Instead a German who pretended to be French called Luis Vernet came along, asked the Argentines and the Brits politely if they minded, and founded a little colony of his own.

 

It took him a few goes, but eventually he established a settlement, you named him governor and gave him the right to kill all the seals. This quite hacked off the Brits, who wanted some seals for themselves, but Vernet placated us by asking for our military protection.

 

It all got a bit hairy in 1831, when Vernet found some American seal ships, arrested their crews and sparked an international incident. The Americans sent a warship, blew up the settlement, and hot-headedly sent the most senior settlers to the mainland for trial for piracy.

 

The Argentines sent a new governor to establish a penal settlement, but he was killed in a mutiny the day he arrived. The Brits, quite reasonably, decided the whole thing was a dog’s breakfast.

 

And now we get to the bit you’re unhappy about Argentina, the invasion and forced expulsion.

 

The Brits arrived two months after this mutiny, and wrote to the chap in charge of the small Argentine garrison. The letter said:

“I have to direct you that I have received directions from His Excellency and Commander-in-Chief of His Britannic Majesty’s ships and vessels of war, South America station, in the name of His Britannic Majesty, to exercise the rights of sovereignty over these Islands.

 

It is my intention to hoist to-morrow the national flag of Great Britain on shore when I request you will be pleased to haul down your flag on shore and withdraw your force, taking all stores belonging to your Government.”

 

Now, there are many ways people can be oppressed, forced, compelled and abused – just ask Sean Penn – but a polite note is not one of them. The Argentine in charge thought briefly about resisting, but he didn’t have many soldiers and besides, most of them were British mercenaries who refused to fight. So on January 3, 1833 you left, Argentina, with wounded pride and your nose in the air.

 

You had never settled the islands. Never established a colony of your own. Never guarded it with a garrison of your own soldiers. They had never, ever, been yours.

 

And now to the matter of that expulsion. The log of an Argentine ship present at the time records the settlers were encouraged to stay, and those that left did so of their own free will and generally because they were fed up with living on some boring, windy rocks.

 

Eleven people left – four Argentines, three ‘foreigners’, one prisoner, a Brit and two Americans.

 

Twenty-two people remained – 12 Argentinians, four Uruguay Indians, two Brits, two Germans, a Frenchman and a Jamaican.

 

As the imposition of colonial power on an indigenous population goes, that takes some beating. And for the sake of clarity I should point out that a human melting pot like that makes the place about as British as you can be.

 

A few months later HMS Beagle, taking Charles Darwin to the Galapagos for a long think, popped in and found the settlement half-ruined and the residents lawless. There were several murders, some looting, and in 1834 the exasperated British sent Lieutenant Henry Smith to run the place.

 

The islands have been ours ever since, and is now home to almost 3,000 people descended from settlers who came from Britain, France, Scandinavia, Gibraltar, St Helena and Chile.

 

At the same time, you went on to fight wars with most of South America and colonise provinces with indigenous populations by killing or pushing them out.

 

When your government was broke and facing strong opposition in the 1980s, you invaded them to divert attention of the voters with the cost of 907 lives, and it cannot be unrelated to your letter that in a few weeks you face being ejected by the International Monetary Fund for lying over your economic figures.

 

At around the same time, the people who now live on these boring, windy rocks in the middle of nowhere are having a referendum about who they would like to govern them. You will ignore this, because you believe they do not have a right to make up their own minds and have repeatedly refused to talk to the islanders about your claims.

 

So allow me to make a couple of things clear. Firstly, the history of these windy rocks is an utter mess but someone had to take charge, and you weren’t up to the job. We did it pretty nicely, considering our record in other places.

 

Secondly, only jackbooted colonial scumbags refuse to listen to the democratic voice of the people who live somewhere, so you really ought to wind your hypocritical warmongering necks in.

 

And thirdly – well done with the wine, and the beef’s pretty good, but if you want to negotiate let’s start with you taking back your Total Wipeout, because as cultural imperialism goes it’s pretty offensive, and you might want to think about handing Patagonia back to its people as well.

 

After that we are quite prepared to let you come and holiday on these windy rocks, where you will be invited to pitch a tent anywhere you like within the 13 square kilometres where you left 19,000 land-mines last time you visited.

 

We know they’re a long way away. We know there’s not much to the rocks, and there might be oil and it might give someone a claim to Antarctica.

 

But we also know something you don’t – which is that a well-run, law-abiding and happy bunch of rocks is the best bunch of rocks you can hope to have. You’re no more up to that job now than you have ever been.

 

In case our position is still not clear, the above could be summed up as: No.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Blighty

The Facecloth

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive

today who won’t crack up over this!

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one

morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had

been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed

everyone off to work and school, and it was already

around 8:45 am. The

trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to

spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when

making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the

full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth

that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that

area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the

clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my

appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked

over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or

some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the

doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest

of the day was normal – some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from

the bathroom, ‘Mummy, where’s my facecloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my

glitter saved inside it.’

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!!

noel04

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good Mind to scrap the whole works.

I busted my Ass for damn near a year

Instead of “Thanks Santa” What do I hear?

The old Lady bitches because I work late at night..

The elves want more Money and the reindeer all bloody fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has Aids.

And just when I thought that things would get better,

Those Arseholes from the customs send me a letter,

They say I owe taxes

If that ain’t damn funny.

Who in the hell ever sent Santa any Money?

And the kids these days,

They are all the pits,

They want the impossible…

Those Mean little Shits..

I spent a whole year, Making wagons and Sleds,

Assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yoyo’s, No request for them …

They want computers and robots they think I’m Apple or IBM

Flying through the air Dodging the tree’s

 

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knee’s

I’m quitting this job… There is just no Enjoyment.

I’ll sit on my Fat Ass and draw unemployment.

There is no Christmas this year

Now you know the reason….

 

I found me a young blonde and

I’m going South for the Season!!!!

You have to laugh

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my other half that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ‘How long will this take? I asked.

 

‘They will grow larger over a period of years, my partner replies.

 

I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?

 

Without missing a beat he says ‘Worked for your butt, didn’t it?

 

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

Stupid, stupid man.

Laughter is the best Medicine

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again….back and forth…back and forth…in and out….in and out!

 

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

 

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK!

I CAN’T park the fucking car!

You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

 

OLD BUT PRICELESS – WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?”

HUSBAND:
“Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not?
Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of
course I do..”

WIFE: “Then why
wouldn’t you remarry? “

HUSBAND: “Okay,
okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You
would?” (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: “Would
you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure,
it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would
you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where
else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would
you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND:
“Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would
you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That
would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would
you give her my jewellery?”

HUSBAND: “No, I’m
sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: “Yes,
those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: “No,
she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: —
silence —

HUSBAND:
“shit.”