All because the lady loves Milk Tray

milk tray

Actually the lady loves any chocolate!    

But It was a lovely surprise when Allan came home from the school run today and gave me this big box of chocolate’s because he felt like it…

My reply… what have you done? What do you want? 😆

Apparently he loves me and thought he would spoil me AWWWWWW…….. 


I have to admit that I am not a very emotional person for most of the time.
I joke when we are watching a film or something on the tv and Allan has tears welling in his eyes.
I used to think I had no feeling at all,  I lost everything and cried…….
And then I taught myself not to let anything get to me…. I blocked everything bad out as best I can.

It takes a while for things to really hit me or soak in..
Sometimes I have a tendency to block out things.. If I don’t believe its true then it didn’t happen

I really thought I had my fair share of pain and that things could only get better in this world.
I was so wrong..

I hate funerals and I am sorry to say I have been to far to many.. from my sons to my mothers….. and other friends and relatives.

Even with my mum  I knew she was ill. I was her carer and as I have said before in previous blogs.. In some horrible way I felt free after her death I didn’t grieve for a long time after her death and when I did it was for the mother I had known in my younger years.  not this old woman who didn’t know me or recognise me and I admit she was a burden towards the end.  

When I buried my son, I grieved from the second he was born…..  I think of him all the time, especially every year on his birthday

…… he was born  30 August 1984

This year he would have been 30… no I haven’t forgotten him this year…..   
But the pain has come back raw as anything..
When I heard the news about Andy I was in a state of shock… regret…… all sorts of feelings……  I cried…. but I kept going…..

Fast Forward to yesterday I have hardly slept in ages…..   I was dreading the funeral.  because it’s always the final ending..

The thing is… this is when it hit me like a truck crashing into the wall,  Its true….. It happened.. I will never hear or see Andy again.
that’s not right……  He was always there…….  He was Alex’s godfather…. I only wish I had a picture of Alex at his christening with Andy.. but that wasnt possible.. Andy was taking the photos of the christening.

Andy would have loved his funeral and wake…… you see all his true friends turned up to say a last farewell.. there was over 100 people there…
old friends were back  together…. All People I have known through Andy…..

The thing with Andy is you can go months with not seeing or hearing from him and still know he would always be at the end of the phone to help you if you needed it.. or be there for a chat if you needed someone to talk to and vice versa.. I have had to many calls to count from Andy when he has been shit on from a great height by some of his so-called friends.. 
I loved Andy as a friend…
The most fitting and best tribute I have seen was one that was written by another good friend who was also close to Andy.
It sums it up perfectly.

Roy Jamison

We used to talk,
and laugh, and cry…
But now you’ve left,
there’s tears in my eyes

This feeling, this hole
that you’ve left inside
Won’t stop, won’t quit
Won’t be pushed aside

Can’t think, can’t do
can’t speak, nor breathe
All I can do now,
Is try and grieve

This feeling, this loss,
This hurt, this pain
I hope one day
To see you again

Maybe one day after the end,
I’ll see you again my best friend,
Just maybe I’ll be fine and dandy,
Until that day I miss you Andy

And now I can’t stop the tears……..  Sleep didn’t happen at all last night no matter how hard I tried

I feel like I have been ripped in half… 

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have lost a friend one of the best friends ever
The fact that as we all get older, I have realised that we are not all immortal.

I do know there will never be another person like him..
Yes at times he drove us all mad.

There are times when we thought he was being over dramatic about things and just had to say to him to sit back and chill, these things happen for  a reason..
There are times when I had to tell him in no uncertain terms.. he was being used…..  Usually by the radio stations.. But the thing is that was his life….
What he lived for…  
he was nocturnal..  and spent many a night here until dawn came and he went home to bed.
When the boys were born and we had to change our lives to daytime lives.. we still saw him……
He used to come around everyday when he got up it was usually around the time when the boys got in from school.

He used to answer the why kids questions.. Both boys are geeks, and asked geeky questions and Andy always had time to tell them what they wanted to know.. or to teach them… when Alex was only one.. he had Alex on his knee and found a site called knee-bouncers…. and he showed Alex how to work the keyboard.. He did the same with Ali..  
In the garden once  when we were having a BBQ  we had wooden chairs at the time, he was wriggling around in the chair holding Alex as a baby and the chair gave away…
Andy went crashing to the ground with a bump… But held onto Alex tightly so he wasn’t hurt…
There are so many memories…… some good, some bad………… and some evil……… (yes Andy had a temper on him when someone had treated him badly) I never saw that side aimed at me… but had seen it when turned on others.. and sometimes I have to admit with very funny consequences. 
I have been there for Andy as well.
during times when he was at court….  (temper related)

During the times when his lovely mum and dad needed help, in the garden, or greenhouse.. getting stuff out of the attic.
Tidying up his mums house when they were away on holiday and Andy had been there on his own..
When his mum had a nasty fall and broke her hip… we lent them the wheelchair while she was on the long road to recovery.

And as I have said in an old post from a long time ago
Andy was the only godparent that Alex had that ever bothered with him

Yes I’m in tears…… 
and the pain is unbearable at times….
I miss him..

I always will…

Because I now know that in a few months time… or weeks or days  He wont be there at the end of the phone.


Goodbye Andy It’s been a pleasure knowing you.

Andrew Robert Smith
3rd August 1966 – 15th August 2014 – Always in my heart.

So goodbye my friend
I know I’ll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It’s okay now
Goodbye my friend


Today is a day I have dreaded ever since I heard the terrible news that I had lost a dear dear friend.
Today is the day we say goodbye…  Today is the day of Andy Smiths Funeral.  He will be missed so much.

Sleep has not happened so I’m sitting here counting down the minutes until noon when the service starts.

Not only have I lost a good friend, Alex has lost his godfather, The world has lost one of the nicest people ever.


Bonnie and Clyde Soulmates to their death


I would have loved the opportunity to spend time with these two characters, for at least a day. Can you believe today marks the 80th Anniversary of the day the two were ambushed! Where has time gone?


Wouldn’t you love the chance to hang with them?

What went on their heads?

Why did they go on the killing sprees they did?

Bonnie was so young!

How does a 23 year old become so infected with that much rage?

Of course, they did supply the nation with a lot of entertainment at a time when things were bad, real bad. Kind of like today. “They were front-page news, newsreel stars, heroes to those who hated banks and the government, institutions the young outlaws mocked.”

Kind of like today.


Outlaw soul mates Bonnie and Clyde, who disdain arrest and choose instead to die together in a hail of bullets.


Bonnie Parker seemed to know what fate awaited them. While the couple was on the run, she sent a poem to the media, which was printed across the country the next day and concluded with:


Some day they’ll go down together

they’ll bury them side by side.

To few it’ll be grief,

to the law a relief

but it’s death for Bonnie and Clyde.


Often when soul mates pass over to the other side, their bodies are buried side by side. However, this was not the case after the simultaneous deaths of Bonnie and Clyde, because Bonnie’s family refused to allow it. Sometimes, even soul mates can experience scorn and disapproval from those close to them, which makes immortality seem preferable.

Personally I think Bonnie knew that the only way they would ever be together forever was in spirit..  She knew that they disapproved of Clyde and she knew that if they were captured they would have been separated for as long as they both drew breath.
True love or utter madness.
Either way Soul mates until the end…
I used to think I had met my true soul mate. someone I would live and die for but now I wonder…

I wonder if I have met them and I wonder If I ever would.



25 Things Every Kid Should Do Before the Age of 10

I saw this idea posted for ten things all kids should do before ten and I thought no way there should be loads more.. My Boys spend most of their life giggling, be it together or just on their own when they are having fun.  Even Ali has done all these things ok he may not have been the greatest at them because of his sight and co-ordination but he has tried and had fun doing it.


There are things in life that all kids just need to do at some point. I’m not talking about the big things, like going to Alton towers or going on a plane on a holiday abroad or going to Euro Disney, but rather those little, everyday moments that are just full of wonder, joy, and youth.


Some of them are so simple, we don’t even note them when they happen for the first time, but years later, it’s these things we look back on as the core of our childhood. Here are 25 things all kids should do while they’re still kids, a bucket list if you will. See how many your kids have checked off as of now, and add any others you’d like to see on this list in the comments.
This is a list every one of my kids has completed at some point in their lives.. not just the boys either.. My girls have done all of these as well.


1. Lick the Beaters
2. Dance in the Rain
3. Eat a Bug
4. Play in the Mud
5. Climb a Tree
6. Climb Up a Slide

7. Have a Tea Party With Stuffed Animals
8. Roll Down a Grassy Hill
9. Cut Their Own — or a Sibling’s – Hair
10. Make Friends With an Elderly Person
11. Play With Worms
12. Care for a Pet
13. Build a Fort
14. Skip Stones
15. Plant Something & Watch It Grow
16. Go Camping
17. Skin a Knee
18. Go for a long walk in the country side.
19. Fly a Kite
20. Bury Someone in the Sand
21. Make a Snow Angel
22. Race Their Shadow
23. Laugh So Hard juice Comes Out of Their Nose
24. Eat snow, (make sure it’s not yellow 😉 )
25. Make jam from fruit they have picked.





Good-bye 2012, Hello 2013


Good grief! I can’t believe that in just a few hours 2012 will be history.

I don’t bother to make predictions or resolutions.

I’m not psychic, so I can’t see the future, and resolutions are usually broken in the first week.

So, I’ll try to be a better person by taking better care of myself. That way, I’ll feel better, my attitude will be better, I’ll have more patience and understanding, and I’ll have more tolerance toward stupid (I have a serious problem with stupid).

And finally, I will try to let those who are important to me know how important they are to me.

I won’t regret telling people how important they are to me, but I could regret not telling them.
I Dont make predictions or resolutions such as i am going on a diet because as well All know they are always doomed to fail.

Maybe in a few months we will think about doing a few life changes but for now… the time is to spend with friends and family around us.
family that we want around us anyway.

Happy New Year to All…….

I have a feeling its going to be a tough year ahead… both emotionally and financially for the majority of us….

Good luck folks I think we are going to need it..


An Open Letter to Parents Whose Children Don’t Have Autism…

I saw this posted on one of the Facebook pages I joined


And it really hit home because I know all about these melt downs we had one only today from Ali and that involved doors being kicked in, screaming, shouting and things being broken.

My friend’s sister has four children, ages 14, 13, 7, and 3. This woman’s 13-year-old son has a severe form of autism and a mood disorder with psychotic episodes; doctors have told his parents that their son is a very unusual case. As a result, life is extremely challenging for the entire family. Because their son is prone to frequent and uncontrollable outbursts, they’re all having a particularly difficult time in the condo complex where they moved last year for his mother’s job as a biotech scientist. Her heartbreaking Facebook post, which she allowed me to share, strikes me as the kind of thing every parent should read, particularly if he or she doesn’t have a child with autism–or any other disability or mental illness.


“I would like to say something to those people in our community who look at my husband, myself, and our disabled son in disgust or shout out your windows for us to just keep him quiet. He is a minor inconvenience to you. You get to go back to your lives, travel as you please, eat what you please, and go about your merry way. Imagine what it is like for us, constantly struggling to keep our son safe. Imagine what it is like for our other three children, whose friends’ parents won’t allow them to come over while our son is home, who are constantly told they can’t go places because it’s too difficult, and who often can’t make their needs heard above his yelling. But most of all, imagine what it is like for our son, whose level of anxiety is so great, whose suffering is so enormous, that he is driven to cry, driven to scream, driven to bang his head and bite his arms and legs. Have you ever in your life felt so much pain that you were driven to that? Be grateful for what you have, for being born with a normal functioning brain, and maybe you would consider being helpful instead. We could always use a home-cooked dinner, an offer to take one of our other children to a movie, or just a smile of support.”