Heartbroken

I have to admit that I am not a very emotional person for most of the time.
I joke when we are watching a film or something on the tv and Allan has tears welling in his eyes.
I used to think I had no feeling at all,  I lost everything and cried…….
And then I taught myself not to let anything get to me…. I blocked everything bad out as best I can.

It takes a while for things to really hit me or soak in..
Sometimes I have a tendency to block out things.. If I don’t believe its true then it didn’t happen

I really thought I had my fair share of pain and that things could only get better in this world.
I was so wrong..

I hate funerals and I am sorry to say I have been to far to many.. from my sons to my mothers….. and other friends and relatives.

Even with my mum  I knew she was ill. I was her carer and as I have said before in previous blogs.. In some horrible way I felt free after her death I didn’t grieve for a long time after her death and when I did it was for the mother I had known in my younger years.  not this old woman who didn’t know me or recognise me and I admit she was a burden towards the end.  

When I buried my son, I grieved from the second he was born…..  I think of him all the time, especially every year on his birthday

…… he was born  30 August 1984

This year he would have been 30… no I haven’t forgotten him this year…..   
But the pain has come back raw as anything..
When I heard the news about Andy I was in a state of shock… regret…… all sorts of feelings……  I cried…. but I kept going…..

Fast Forward to yesterday I have hardly slept in ages…..   I was dreading the funeral.  because it’s always the final ending..

The thing is… this is when it hit me like a truck crashing into the wall,  Its true….. It happened.. I will never hear or see Andy again.
that’s not right……  He was always there…….  He was Alex’s godfather…. I only wish I had a picture of Alex at his christening with Andy.. but that wasnt possible.. Andy was taking the photos of the christening.

Andy would have loved his funeral and wake…… you see all his true friends turned up to say a last farewell.. there was over 100 people there…
old friends were back  together…. All People I have known through Andy…..

The thing with Andy is you can go months with not seeing or hearing from him and still know he would always be at the end of the phone to help you if you needed it.. or be there for a chat if you needed someone to talk to and vice versa.. I have had to many calls to count from Andy when he has been shit on from a great height by some of his so-called friends.. 
I loved Andy as a friend…
The most fitting and best tribute I have seen was one that was written by another good friend who was also close to Andy.
It sums it up perfectly.
By

Roy Jamison

We used to talk,
and laugh, and cry…
But now you’ve left,
there’s tears in my eyes

This feeling, this hole
that you’ve left inside
Won’t stop, won’t quit
Won’t be pushed aside

Can’t think, can’t do
can’t speak, nor breathe
All I can do now,
Is try and grieve

This feeling, this loss,
This hurt, this pain
I hope one day
To see you again

Maybe one day after the end,
I’ll see you again my best friend,
Just maybe I’ll be fine and dandy,
Until that day I miss you Andy

And now I can’t stop the tears……..  Sleep didn’t happen at all last night no matter how hard I tried

I feel like I have been ripped in half… 

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have lost a friend one of the best friends ever
The fact that as we all get older, I have realised that we are not all immortal.

Memories.
I do know there will never be another person like him..
Yes at times he drove us all mad.

There are times when we thought he was being over dramatic about things and just had to say to him to sit back and chill, these things happen for  a reason..
There are times when I had to tell him in no uncertain terms.. he was being used…..  Usually by the radio stations.. But the thing is that was his life….
What he lived for…  
he was nocturnal..  and spent many a night here until dawn came and he went home to bed.
When the boys were born and we had to change our lives to daytime lives.. we still saw him……
He used to come around everyday when he got up it was usually around the time when the boys got in from school.

He used to answer the why kids questions.. Both boys are geeks, and asked geeky questions and Andy always had time to tell them what they wanted to know.. or to teach them… when Alex was only one.. he had Alex on his knee and found a site called knee-bouncers…. and he showed Alex how to work the keyboard.. He did the same with Ali..  
In the garden once  when we were having a BBQ  we had wooden chairs at the time, he was wriggling around in the chair holding Alex as a baby and the chair gave away…
Andy went crashing to the ground with a bump… But held onto Alex tightly so he wasn’t hurt…
There are so many memories…… some good, some bad………… and some evil……… (yes Andy had a temper on him when someone had treated him badly) I never saw that side aimed at me… but had seen it when turned on others.. and sometimes I have to admit with very funny consequences. 
I have been there for Andy as well.
during times when he was at court….  (temper related)

During the times when his lovely mum and dad needed help, in the garden, or greenhouse.. getting stuff out of the attic.
Tidying up his mums house when they were away on holiday and Andy had been there on his own..
When his mum had a nasty fall and broke her hip… we lent them the wheelchair while she was on the long road to recovery.

And as I have said in an old post from a long time ago
Andy was the only godparent that Alex had that ever bothered with him

https://notyouraveragemother.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/religion-and-godparents-why-bother/

Yes I’m in tears…… 
and the pain is unbearable at times….
I miss him..

I always will…

Because I now know that in a few months time… or weeks or days  He wont be there at the end of the phone.

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Things can only get better… right?!

This has been kind of a rough week.  I have not been having the best of luck lately

Worst week of my life. & I feel like my blog is the only place I have to go to bitch about it I can set the odd pissed off status on facebook but at least here I get the chance to say how I really feel, Im not one for those dramatic woe is me status updates, In fact the one thing that annoys me more than anything else is the suicidal attention seeking updates you see on a regular basis on facebook.

I have one friend in particular who does this at least every couple of weeks, I even told him once if he is going to kill himself could he do it quietly as ive lost interest now… Then I hid him from my wall lol

anyway as this is a me me me post.. back to me:

I haven’t been this miserable in so long. All I’ve wanted to do all week is fall asleep & not wake up. not in the suicidal sense but in the I really cant face another shit day… I need some good days..

 

I really don’t understand what exactly the universe has against me this week, but damn. I could have honestly just lay in bed and waited for Monday, because this clearly wasn’t my week. Each day I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, but I’ve done that the past five days and it didn’t help at all.

Seriously. I can’t catch a fucking break.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to remain stubborn and keep my mess close to heart. Not to say a word to a soul, Because I’m losing that feeling in my gut that soothes my dismal existence.

Because I want to hold onto something familiar despite thorns and sharp teeth.

Because nothing feels right and everything feels wrong.Even these words. Cluttered. Ambiguous. Cold. Distant. Inarticulate. 

Because it’s an endless cycle that’s left me reeling, violently grappling for steady ground.I feel nauseated with the business of arranging letters and organizing stuff Such a tiring affair. I’m drained

and I fear it’s beyond rejuvenation

Askayridnfweoitpqwnqlwiryhodadjfpweotubnaifwuyevfclahsdiuerktkfjkoiyiujbdjwtyquevmcnbvgczfhjsfpoiuytebnasdmnjhkfdfssasidyensnbcviwtybzjalairuepoowdfbkjdbcdwe!!!!!

It’s the closest I can get to having a good scream!!!!

 

What has put me in this down side you are probably wondering… well its a catalogue of things really.

I’m getting so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life lately. Obviously having read my blog about my step daughter you can see that this is getting me down big time… Allan is great don’t get me wrong.. I cant fault him, he is backing me up 100%… He is on her case constantly now.. to the point where despite the fact that she is driving me mad I’m starting to feel sorry for her… WTF??!!

 

Last weekend I was talking to my soulmate we were having a really in-depth chat which always brings me “up” and then I don’t hear from him this week, yes I know he is probably busy but still a simple hi wouldn’t hurt… ok yes he hasn’t been on facebook at all so its not just me he is ignoring. but still its the start of things going downhill as im wondering if I have done or said something wrong!

Ali Not being well also drained me… staying up with him one night and since then lying in bed listening to him cough all night and that paranoid checking on him in the middle of the night is taking its toll.. I feel exhausted… I cant sleep… even silly things are keeping me awake…

Procrastination is my middle name but then I lie awake thinking I must get that form off to the electoral roll for amber living here… I must go and pay that library fine I owe for over due books… I must return the meter reading form for the electric… I must contact the water board over the last bill before we went onto the water meter as there is a discrepancy… I never seem to get round to remembering these things in the day time but at 4am… they are top of the list of things on my mind.

 

The biggest cock up I had this last week was I lost my purse on Friday… .. I went to the chip shop to be honest in a lousy mood because of amber and something she had done that had peeved me. I got back home and Allan was clearing up Ali and changing him as the antibiotics he was given for his chest have given him the runs… and im looking for clean pants and towels etc while trying to dish the chips up to go with the pies I had in the oven cooking…

Now usually I always keep my purse in my bag and take my bag but as it was only going to the chippie in the car i just put my phone and purse in my pocket… I went I got to the chip shop I ordered a large chips and paid….

I remember getting home to the drama… that’s it.

Saturday I was making spag bol and I said to Allan we may need some onions… I went to get my purse from the side where the car keys were and my phone had been the night before as that’s where I thought I had put it and its gone… Allan had bowls so we both looked before he left and while he was gone I looked… I even searched through the bin in case I put it on the cooker top and it had been thrown away with the rubbish..

 

The problem is I had every spare penny we had in it… I had the gas bill money along with the gas card… I had the membership cards for us all for the swallows leisure centre and I had the bank debit card and a credit card in it… plus some other bits that I cant remember at the moment… I have another purse I keep all the cards in and just put in the ones I use at the time in my little purse.. so at least I haven’t lost driving licences and national insurance card etc

But its a big piss off all the same… thankfully we do on-line banking and Allan has another account so with the exception of the cash in the bank for direct debits i transferred everything over to that card so I can at least draw some cash out should I need to..

the credit card was maxed so that’s safe…….

we contacted the bank and credit card and they are sending out replacements.

I will contact the leisure centre tomorrow…

plus I will go to the chip shop and see if I left it in there while I was sitting waiting.. I’m not holding my breath of anyone handing it in not with the cash in it …

 

cards can be sorted but the cash we cant replace and to be honest we are skint at the moment anyway. so not sure what im going to do this week.. I need to top my phone up soon and cant even do that now… which kinda pisses me off….

 

I have a headache which has lasted the last two days and i mean big headache… we went out today to the Dover transport museum and instead of enjoying looking around I just had that thumping and feeling sick.

 

The boys are in bed now ready for school tomorrow and I have just remembered neither of them has done their home learning so wont be able to hand that in either.

Im tired I want to go to bed but cant face it yet..

 

so yes I have had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week what ever way you want to describe it.

 

Murphy’s law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and if you can’t see anything that could go wrong then you’ve obviously overlooked something.  Well I don’t think Murphy overlooked anything in our house this week. 

Things can only get better… right?!

 

The words of that song go round and round in my head.

 

I’m trying to be optimistic and really hope things can only get better!!

 

 

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Alex has got a Big Owie!! (If you are squemish dont read or look)

The Week started off quite well with lots of social activities (hey walking out of the door is a social activity for me nowadays)
In other words I have had quite a busy week, but on Tuesday all plans went downhill (literally) when Alex was playing a game with some friends and tumbled down a slope on the school field and cut his arm on a stone.
Unfortunately he has about an inch long cut on his Elbow.

I didn’t know about any of this until I was sitting in the Landrover waiting for Vickie while she was running a few errands and I get a call off Allan saying Alex has had an accident and could I get up the school to pick him up…

My first thought was why didn’t the school call me until I remembered that I have not long changed my number and guess who I have forgotten to give it to Yep the school DOH!!

 

Anyway we go up the school pick Alex up and see the head teacher and she tells me that she thinks he may need to go to the hospital and have a stitch in his elbow.. she had cleaned it out and dressed it as best she could. So I call Jo to see if she can pick Ali up and off I go with Alex to the Memorial hospital stopping for diesel on the way, which has just a Minor Injuries unit really.

Alex waiting to be seen with the dressing the school put on

After waiting for well over an hour to be seen Alex gets called in by this nurse… she had obviously had a bad day because she was snippy with him from the start, she took the dressing off.. said it needed cleaning and yes stitching as it was very deep and proceeded and not in a very careful manner to clean out the wound , anyway as soon as she touched it Alex screamed for England.. she took one small bit out and blood squirted at the wall, thankfully Alex didn’t see this as he had his eyes tightly shut at this point and mouth wide open with lots of noise coming out of it… I think he had decided that he had enough of being brave for the day… however he sat there holding my hand and squeezing and screaming while she (even I could see) quite roughly cleaned it out… then said she would have to give him a local anaesthetic…

she went and got this huge needle… It looked huge to me never mind Alex and she proceeded to stab him in three places with it… Alex cried out again… she then stuck it right inside the cut… This is when he let out a scream that I am sure they would have heard in Outer Mongolia 😦

he moved his arm and she shouted at him so I said I would hold his arm in place at which point she informed me I was not allowed to pin him down and restrain him and that she couldn’t get the rest of the local anaesthetic in on the other side so there was nothing she could do except glue the wound shut and put steri strips on but it wouldn’t hold, he would have a lovely scar and that then next time he fell or knocked it, most probably the whole thing will split open and we will be back to square one with it needing stitching its just a matter of time… could be a week could be a year…

 

 

So here we are… A child terrified in pain and she is tut tutting… I’m getting fed up and already deciding just glue it and we can get out of here.

So she pours the glue in which I have to say I know stings like hell from when I have had it done.. all hell broke loose he has a total meltdown seeing the wound and her squeezing it shut and didn’t want her to touch it any-more. I can totally understand how he feels, anyway once she has done that she puts some steri strips over as well to try to hold it shut ,He kept crying even after she had put a pad on and a bandage and refused to move his arm in the position she wanted.. In the end she didn’t bother putting another bandage on just the one she had around it, shoved some tape on to hold it and said …Do not get it wet… change the dressing on Friday and on Sunday he can have a shower so the strips can come off but not to soak it because he can’t have a bath for ten days because of the glue…

Alex by this time is white as a sheet… we go home and he is kinda shell-shocked for the rest of the day. He didn’t even touch any dinner.

 

By Wednesday morning there was blood seeping through the bandage so I know it’s opened a little… He was off school and came out with us… and had decided to make up for all the eating he missed the day before

Thursday he was back at school but can’t go out to play or do PE…. and Thursday Night he was Invested or Infested as he said into the cubs… He struggled with the salute but did great… He is now a fully fledged Cub….

TGIF

its been a long week, this afternoon when he comes home from school we are going to change the outer dressing and hopefully we can see exactly how well its healed up or if he needs to go to the main hospital to ask if it can be stitched up properly :-/

taking the dressing off to see what he has actually done

before its cleaned up by the nurse at the hospital

After its cleaned when he had calmed down and wanted to see so I had to take a pic to show him. I didn’t take any more pics at the hospital because as soon as she started with the jabs to sew him up all hell let loose.. will take some more when we check it out this evening.

Got some Major catching up to do!

 

Well, what an end to the Easter Holidays!
It’s been quite A rollercoaster of events and no time for blogging.
So get yourself a cup of tea –
I have a feeling this blog may be a long one as we catch up on events from the past few weeks.

 

 Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I shall begin …

We had some fantastic weather the last week the kids were at school, it wasn’t bad the first five days they were off school but since then we have had nothing but cold and overcast, its seems the clouds had rolled in and we’ve been treated to week of over cast, cold weather, sometimes the clouds were so black I thought we were going to have some torrential rain… but no… we had five min’s of rain and that’s it…. the clouds moved on by…. And the hose pipe ban has come into force…. This will of course affect the garden this summer and what is going to be grown in it, Veg wise  But I will blog about that another day.

The problem with this weather is what to do with the kids..   Alex had decided that he wanted to take a break from his Karate so we agreed he could have the Easter Break off…  As it goes the Wednesday before they broke up from school he was really under the weather anyway so he has had three weeks off which to be honest has done him good I think he was getting over tired from it and its given his knee’s and legs a rest as well.  (one day I will go into what’s actually wrong with him in more detail )

The first week they were off we took them to the Chatham dockyard which they loved going back to, and of course their old favourite the spitfire and RAF Manston museum.
The other trip I had planned for them was on the Sittingbourne and Kemsley Light Railway
http://www.sklr.net/
for a trip but sadly that was cancelled because asbestos was found in a pipe running adjacent to the railway.

 

Chatham Dockyard in the roof of the big space

 

Chatham Dockyard

 

RAF Manston Museum

 

As it goes that day it was cold anyway so the boys were happy having a chill day.

We did go out to the park a couple of times so it wasn’t a bad week.

On the way up the park

 

A quick kick around

Oh and we went on an Easter egg hunt as well to Riverside Country Park, we also took our neighbours son Adam with us.. With the exception of him running off (but was found) the boys really enjoyed the trail although I have to say while the 20 odd questions were actually very hard for youngsters the prize was not very good at all, A little Mini Egg… I think next year I will find somewhere else to take them to.

 

Finding the Clues and Answering the Questions..

Collecting their naff prize either a silly plastic toy or a mini egg... wow and the trail took two hours for that?!?

 

 

 

Sunday of course was Easter Sunday now I am not religious at all but I do know what its like for kids when all their friends at school go on about how they got this and that on religious holidays so I have never deprived my boys of Christmas and Easter… except for the fact that its more an end of year present giving and pig out… and Easter is chocolate egg weekend lol

And with that in mind I decided that this year I would make them a basket each instead of just buying a chocolate egg, I was actually quite impressed with them.

Their eggs and baskets I made


I think this will become a new tradition in the house…… Maybe next year I wont do all chocolate though… I may add a little treat in instead.

 

Having been ill Again 😦 I am now back on the sofa although I am recovering much better this time.. thankfully it’s not gone onto my chest completely just more of a cold and cough. I have been told I have a very weak immune system since I got bronchitis last year and need to build myself up so I am now on a course of some major Vitamin  and iron and omega 3 capsules and it all seems to be helping as I am now fighting this bug off on my own without needing huge amounts of antibiotics and I am just about managing to cope in the day.

 

Alex has been asking to go to an amusement park for a while now and the idea of Alton towers really filled me with dread as I knew it would cost fortunes and the boys wouldn’t be able to go on much, however there is one place I had forgotten about until someone reminded me the other day when they were posting some pictures… Southend Adventure Island…  It’s Ideal Not that far from home… its wrist band entry so not silly money… So I looked on-line and they were doing a deal on wrist bands which can be used any time in the year so I have bought a couple of the red bands for them and I am tempted while they are on offer to get a couple of the green ones,  If the boys are too tall for the red ones then I can always upgrade them and if they are too small for the greens ones then Allan can go on the rides with them…. (Did you notice I said Allan there… well he knows nothing about it yet lol ). The good thing is they don’t run out until the end of 2012 so will save them for special treats when the weather does eventually get better…

 http://www.adventureisland.co.uk/

Today is the last day off before the boys go back to school on Monday. I have to say on one hand I’m looking forward to it so I can start getting the house in some order but on the other hand not only is it back to the dreaded school run (which I may have mentioned I hate 🙄 ) but I will miss the boys… Although Ali has certainly had his challenging moments over the last two weeks.

 

Yesterday I had a trial run of a cake to make for this Cake Meeting… the theme is fruit and veg. so I thought the cake should contain both so had made an eggplant cake with strawberries… different and not that bad… We will also be making a carrot and ginger cake with lemon frosting.. Again Fruit and Veg…

 

I have noticed that the host is making an apple cake…. where is the veg in that… When I go if that is wall she has done I will ask what is the point in having a theme such as fruit and veg if it can be either after all anyone can make a normal carrot cake or a fruit cake..

 

Eggplant and Strawberry Cake

 

Oh and I will remember to put them right about who did most of the baking of the last cake…

I have a feeling I wont be invited again afterwards lol Anyway Hopefully I am caught up now and can try and get some sleep seeing as its now 3.08am   Yawn!!!

Night Folks!!!

I was the doctors worst nightmare today!

I had my appointment with the asthma nurse who has upped my medication big time so now on preventer’s and everything..   she then refereed me to the doctors because of my feet so I could be seen straight away she said they will squeeze me in between appointments for a quick look .

So there I am sitting back in the waiting room full of sick people and Im back there about five mins and my name pops up on the board… I go in and its a new doctor, I had agreed to see anyone in the practice,

She was really nice and took the time to listen to me. she looked at my feet and prescribed loads of things, plus listened to my chest… my asthma isnt the only cause of my breathing problems I have a bad chest infection as well,
she weighed me and although I had lost weight since I was last weighed in August it wasnt a lot and I was shocked…  lets just say its given me a real kick up the bum

I enquired about Xenical which I had heard about from a friend and she agreed I could have it but when she explained the side effects I decided to give it a pass, she said it can and will cause chronic diarrhoea, anal seepage and could also cause respiratory problems among other side effects especially in the first three months while you get used to eating a totally fat free diet. and she thinks hat once I am more mobile and can get some exercise in that I should lose the weight slowly again on my own without any pills,

So after being in there half an hour with her.. (have to admit I felt sorry for the people waiting for their appointments but hey now I know why some doctors are running really late… they actually are doing their job so I will have more patience next time my appointment is running half an hour late.

however I have to admit for once I’m glad I’m diabetic and get free prescriptions because she gave me three lots of creams for my feet. plus a 7 day course of antibiotics again for my chest. two more types of steroid inhalers as well as a repeat for my ventalin, along with my usual diabetic drugs and three lots of pain killers.. I didn’t go to my usual pharmacy I went to the one at the medical centre,

the woman at the chemist said I would have needed a bank loan to pay for it all [:/] Anyway priority at the moment is get my feet and chest sorted and then she said we could tackle the weight. however I have come out with good news that at last things may be sorted chest wise… feet wise and that I have lost weight since I was last weighed there in August. and I thought I had gained so not all bad.

Im Struggling here!!

No Seriously I feel about 90 years old,
I cant even joke about this now, I’m losing the will to live..
Just as I thought I was getting better my chest has got bad again,
I can hardly walk, I’m in so much pain from my feet as well as my hips, I feel like I’m an old lady!
the only time I can shuffle around is if im wearing a pair of old plimpsols I had, but I cant go to bed in them…….. and when its time to get up the pain upon standing is unreal, Im back to popping pills again left right and centre 😦

This is not me……….. I dont like being the miserable one…  I may be a bad tempered bitch but I dont like wallowing in self pity… but ffs………….. Come One!! Enough Already!!

Allan was going to ask Andy for the wheelchair back that we lent to him when his mum had her accident over a year ago, but I so don’t want to use it as I know once I do I’m actually wondering if I would get out of it again!.
2012 is supposed to be the year of getting myself sorted but things seem to be getting worse by the day!

As you can tell again its 3.14 am and Im wide awake… Insomnia has crept back in….
Oh and Allan has man flu……….
Just want I need!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had one bit of good luck this week but not going to jinx it yet!!

Childbirth and motherhood is really not like that!

Facebook Status: posted around all over the place………..
My mum carried me in her womb for nine months… She felt sick for months with nausea, then she watched her feet swell & her skin stretch & tear, she struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quick; she suffered from sleepless nights. She then went through excruciating pain to bring me into this world. Then, she became my nurse, chef, my chauffeur, my biggest fan, my teacher & my best friend. …She struggled for me, cried over me & prayed for me. Most of us take our mums for granted

NOW FOR THE TRUTH!!
its not that bad honest lol who ever’s mother told them pregnancy and labour was like that, must have been a bloody hypochondriac if having kids was like that i would never of had 8…. and no one else in the world would ever have had more than one……..

Come on folks… love your mum but dont believe everything they tell you.. Squeezing something the size of a pumpkin out of something the size of a lemon aint easy but its not excruciating… nature made women to be able to handle pain….
Thats how come we manage to live with men in the first place!!