Goodbye Andy It’s been a pleasure knowing you.

Andrew Robert Smith
3rd August 1966 – 15th August 2014 – Always in my heart.

So goodbye my friend
I know I’ll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It’s okay now
Goodbye my friend


Today is a day I have dreaded ever since I heard the terrible news that I had lost a dear dear friend.
Today is the day we say goodbye…  Today is the day of Andy Smiths Funeral.  He will be missed so much.

Sleep has not happened so I’m sitting here counting down the minutes until noon when the service starts.

Not only have I lost a good friend, Alex has lost his godfather, The world has lost one of the nicest people ever.


Down in the dumps, It must be the Birthday Blues

I’m Getting older again!!!

I guess the birthday curse is finally catching up with me.

For some reason I am just not excited the way I used to be years ago when I was a kid about the whole birthday thing. Funny really because when I was a kid birthdays were never a big thing.. I never had parties, well one and that was a major disaster when I was little as some kids nanny took over…

My birthday has always been close to Christmas so I usually got some crappy clothes or something.. If I wanted something big it was a combined birthday and Christmas present which of course I got at Christmas..

Yes we got one present and a stocking at Christmas… so I had to choose wisely.

Despite all that I still used to jump up and down with joy the whole so called birthday week and the counting of days till the actual day.

I guess I am just getting old and turning into a boring old Hag minus the wrinkles!! lol!!! Ok if I wasn’t so fat there would be wrinkles, well more than I have anyway.

For the past few days I am feeling heavy hearted about so many things that I should have done and the things I regret doing. Damn!! I don’t do the things I should have and the things I did just makes me regret about doing it!!! I guess that’s LIFE!! Always running towards the things you don’t have and when you have it you just regret having it isn’t it??? I am thinking all the not so intelligent things at the moment and it’s cracking me up literally!!


I saw someone post a quote yesterday and this kind of has meaning today because seriously I don’t know if I can even explain how I am feeling.


I am not a materialistic person honestly I am not… whenever I have spare money to spend it goes on the kids, House or Allan, I have spent over £100 just on Allan this year for Christmas.. what with his Arsenal membership, Then he wanted a compressor, then it was some hair grooming kit… WTF?? the twat is bald….. Oh its for other bits to trip away.. Then I have a t shirt for him because he knows about the other bits.. oh and some smellies plus no doubt I will pick up a bottle of Jamesons for him as well…


I have saved up some cash and transferred it over to a bank card for him so he could have some cash to actually buy me a present.. but I know so far that all but £15 has been spent on other bits.. £20 alone for bits for the puppy.. then he needed petrol… as you see… £50 has now gone down to £15 and I can guarantee that the rest will be spent on something that Allan needs to get…


He had at least 50 on another card as well but can also guarantee that it will be spent on stuff he wants.


Last year my dad bought Allan a razor which cost well over £130 I know because I ordered it for my dad… I got £20… but because we had been invited to a party and Allan had nothing to wear.. we ended up spending it on a jacket to match his suit trousers…… I will get it back he says… One year on I am still waiting…..


Anyway… Its like Déjà vu

My dad has this clothing catalogue, chums, Its mostly mens wear but there are some bits for women. he brought it round the other day and said if there is anything you want let me know.. I look. I looked to be honest it was full of granny shit.. nothing I was interested in… Allan saw some long john’s and said he would get those… so dad comes round… asks about it… Allan shows him the long john’s oh and some vests… (where the fuck did vests come from?) total price £74… Allan says oh we can have a pair each… Like I want fucking long john’s…

Ordered… dad says there you go that’s your birthday present…


Happy Birthday to me… I am now the proud owner of a suit jacket from last year and two pairs of long john’s and two fucking vests this year


 I know I am a hard person to buy for..

Like I said I am not really that materialistic when it comes to stuff for me…

I like to choose my own clothes and shoes etc so hate it when people buy me stuff like that… I am not a smellies kind of person.. I have bottles and bottles of perfume upstairs that I have accumulated over the years. I don’t want kitchen bits because I have practically everything there could ever be invented and If I don’t have it, its because I don’t want it or need it. Besides again its something I would rather buy myself.

 No point in buying me chocolates…… Allan and the kids usually end up eating them as of course I am expected to share… Allan picked me up a box of chepo choc’s one year on mothers day.. It had 4 in it… (last min rush over the shop just before it closed on mothering sunday of course)  yep 4 in it  one each…..

Music and Dvd’s I can download myself… (One year Allan bought me the brand new UB40 cd because it would be nice to have the original instead of a downloaded one, guess who is the big UB40 fan in the house)

See where I am going with this.. I know I am not an easy person to buy for…

but for fuck sake I am getting sick and tired of being the only person in the world who gets a card bought on their birthday.. if I am lucky from the shop because he never has time to buy one.. or the money…

Just for once it would be nice to have a little something just for me, something I didn’t expect, something that a little thought had been put into it… I try and do this for everyone else.. I always try and make birthdays special in some way…

I do this because I know what its like to have such a crappy day..


My dad is and never has been a big birthday card sender my mum used to be the one who dealt with all that..


And Of course Allan never thinks to get me a card from the kids, I think this is what usually gets to me the most…

I have had 8 kids… 7 living and I don’t get a card from any of them… The older ones I have long ago given up thinking about receiving cards from.. I know its not going to happen again in my lifetime..

 Why am I feeling so Down????

Maybe its because I’m going to be 50 this year..

Who knows!!

Maybe its because both boys have been unwell, its half term and because I am now full of cold and everything seems to be getting on top of me.

Maybe its because in the last week or so we have ended up with another dog.. which is something I really did not want as I know the hard work with the training etc…

Maybe its because we have ended up baby sitting two more snakes while someone else has to sort their lives out.. Ok I know snakes are no trouble and they are going on top of the wall unit but still its something else we have to take responsibility for in the house.


Maybe its because I just cant seem to get on top of things at the moment.. what with Christmas approaching.. Finances being tight…


Maybe its because I am just a miserable cow..


Wine… Wine is the answer… I have bought myself some Wine…..

Yes I even like to buy my own wine as I know which one I like and there are so many I don’t. 

A friend with benefits


I could have a friend with benefits,

Whom off and on I see.

While I could use him to get my kicks,

He could also uses me.

 He’s not my boyfriend, just a friend

With whom I could have some sex.

Too old to love or so he says

he wont get hurt again,

he can never face the loss of someone

He will never whisper my name.

I could just play the game

And wonder what comes next.

 We have known each other for eternity

but can never let others know

we could sneak secret moments

but where would be go.

 Again I have a family and yes so does he

but we are soul mates we always have been

and yes no doubt will always be.

 In my dream of dreams I wish I could

but I could never break my boys hearts

I could never risk my life as it is.

 He says we could be friends with benefits

we could be together Again…

But this time there would be

No ties, No bonds, No pain.

 Our memories of how good it once was

are faded through the years.

I am no longer that young slim girl

the one he held so close

 I am not what he is remembering

More like someone all fat and gross

I feel we cant rekindle the fire we

once had so strong.. 😦

 I could have a friend with benefits,

Whom off and on I see.

While I could use him to get my kicks,

He could also uses me.

 Yet somehow, somewhere even we

Still know we yearn for love,

And wait like withered stalks to feel

That wind within us move

 We could be friends with benefits

But I don’t Know if I ever could!

You need to know that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,
I know I don’t always show it but the moment you came into my life it changed, for the better.

I have this amazing person, my soulmate who I care for even more than myself,
Who I would do anything in the world for in my life, I will never let you go for you’ve become my life

 You’ve taught me how to love, shown me what a bestfriend is.

And how lucky I am to have such a special person.

 Please promise me, that you will never give up on us.

No matter what obstacles we’ll face in this life that’s ahead of us

I know we will be friends and soulmates forever.  Dare we do anything to risk it.

 Some say first love never lasts, but it fact it never dies. I want to always have our friendship

 I love you to the sun and back, forever.

But I have to say you may be my soulmate but I’m not in love with you…

I guess for me to do what I did, How I treated you so badly, I never was, how could I be?…

But a life without you I could never imagine I need you there to talk to, I need your friendship forever…

you have been a part of my life for eternity

we have had our share of up’s and downs, of heart ache and pain.

 You have lost your one true real love…

I could never replace her… I never would try…….

I never could relieve the pain.

 We could be friends with benefits

But I don’t know if I ever could

We could be friends with benefits

But I don’t know If I ever would!.


In Memory of Michael Another year passes.

My Baby boy would have been 28 today 😦

Never forgotten and Always Missed.

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please, don’t look away

And change the subject, It’s ok.

You see at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk, come sit with me?

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail,

Broke from me.. My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

Everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say–

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.


My Mum, she tells lies

She never did before.

From now until she dies,

she’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is,

And because she can’t explain,

She will tell a little lie–

She can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,

She’ll say “I am all right.”

If that’s the truth, then tell me

Why does she cry every night?

Ask my Mum how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn’t have a choice, you see,

Nor had the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,

“I’m fine; I’m well; I’m coping.”

For God’s sake Mum, tell the truth,

Just say your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life–

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

Here I am in Heaven,

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you, don’t listen;

Hug her, and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We’ll smile, and I’ll be bold,

I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mum,

With all the lies you’ve told!”

Astronaut Neil Armstrong dies, aged 82 may he R.I.P

I am not one to post R.I.P notices for every person or celebrity that passes but I do think this Icon deserves a Mention.

So few men have had the opportunity to make such a mark upon history. He was a great man and will never be forgotten.

I was only 6 or 7 when he landed on the moon and I remember it being on the news and going round a friends house to see with my parents because they had a colour tv a luxury we didn’t have at the time.
I think it was the first newsworthy item that I ever actually paid attention to .. lets face it kids of that age are not really into the news.

So I have to say I was saddened to see this news this evening

US astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man to set foot on the Moon, has died at the age of 82.


His family says he died from complications from heart surgery he had earlier this month.


He walked on the Moon on 20 July 1969, famously describing the event as “one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind”.


Last November Armstrong received the Congressional Gold Medal, the highest US civilian award.


He was the commander of the Apollo 11 spacecraft. He and fellow astronaut Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin spent nearly three hours walking on the moon.


‘Reluctant hero’


Armstrong, who was raised in Ohio, took his first flight aged six with his father and formed a lifelong passion for flying.


He flew Navy fighter jets during the Korean War in the 1950s, and joined the US space programme in 1962.


Correspondents say Armstrong remained modest and never allowed himself to be caught up in the glamour of space exploration.


“I am, and ever will be, a white-socks, pocket-protector, nerdy engineer,” he said in February 2000, in a rare public appearance.


In a statement, his family praised him as a “reluctant American hero”who had “served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut”.

The Good The Bad and The Family!!

The Good New’s is as you will know if you have been following my blog, I am more than prepared for christmas, well the only thing that hadn’t been done was the wrapping of presents.. well I can now announce..

With the help of my wrapping fairy and friend Jo all the presents are wrapped up and hidden away in the appropriate sack,s stockings and bags so yes christmas could arrive in the morning and I would be ready!!

The Bad news Is last Sunday I went to feed the snakes their usual once a week feed and noticed that we had an escapee 😦

My beautiful Mindy has gone missing, we have set up a hide for her with some water and a heat lamp and hopefully she will come back, she must be getting hungry soon so we will put a furry out on sunday night when we feed the others. I’m really hoping we can catch her as I’m afraid in this cold weather she will freeze to death. how she got out I have no idea!!

having the warped sense of humour I have though I can’t but help giggle at the thought of her turning up next door… I bet I would soon hear the screams 😆

And then the Family news!!

The boys break up from school on Friday, I can’t wait. its been a long long term and they are ready for a break, not to mention the fact that I don’t have to do the school run for a few weeks. I’m really struggling every time I go outside in the cold. My chest is still bad and I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually slept in my bed now.

Allan has been blinding really, he has taken everything in his stride, done as much of the running around as he can for me. He may be saying Baa Humbug but I know he is actually looking forward to christmas. what with his plans for the karaoke for the kids, and games etc..

My dad has booked his taxi for christmas day so one of us will pick him up about 11.30am and then he will get the taxi home about 4.30pm so we can all eat drink and be merry.

My friend Jo and her son Adam are also joining us for christmas and boxing day so once the old man goes the fun can start and we can play the noisy games and the kids can have fun.. I’m getting that christmas I wanted this year with a full table and house..